I just wasn’t sure if Demetri was willing to share me with someone who was dead. I wasn’t sure if I would share me. Was I really worth it all in the end? Or would he tire of my emotional breakdowns like everyone else did? Would he constantly wonder about where my thoughts were? When he kissed me would he think I was wishing it was Brady?

“Penny for your thoughts.” Demetri grabbed my hand and kissed it.

“My thoughts are worth more than a penny.” I argued.

His face turned serious. “Believe me, I know. I just hope one day I’ll be able to afford them.” He gave me a sad smile and went back to the chair where he began gathering the pencils and papers.

“Alright, everyone, it’s time to come back together.”

The rest of the group sat down. Sam looked like he had been crying as he wiped his eyes and sighed. Connor looked just as bad if not worse. I could guess what he wrote, something about regretting driving that night or even possessing a license. Aaron and Holly were sad too, but I think most of their grief came from something unrelated to Brady and the accident. Aaron kissed Holly’s head and sighed heavily.

Demetri took everyone’s papers. “I’m not going to read these. They’re private. Between you and what you regret. But if anyone’s willing to share, I think it would be really cool.”

Holly spoke up. “I lost my baby.”

Aaron held her tightly as she began to softly cry. “In high school I got pregnant and I had a miscarriage. It was really hard and… well, it almost destroyed my relationship with Aaron.”

Aaron cleared his throat. “It was a Friday night. I was angry at Holly. She had been drinking and instead of staying with her at the party I ran off.”

I listened intently as Holly continued where Aaron left off. “I was so upset he would abandon me that I slept with one of the football players. I found out I was pregnant at the beginning of football season. I told Aaron and he threatened to kill the father.

But I refused to tell him who it was. It wasn’t his business, and it nearly killed us both.”

The room fell silent. Holly choked back a few more tears. “It felt good. To write that letter. To talk to Aaron about it. I feel better.

Thanks, Demetri.”

Demetri smiled warmly. “Anytime. And don’t worry, the first time Mrs. Murray asked me to do this I cried for days. And if that ever gets leaked out into the press I’ll hunt each and every one of you down.”

Everyone laughed nervously.

“Let’s plan to meet in a few more days. I want all of you to think about regrets this week. Live your life as if each moment is your last. This isn’t about going crazy. It’s about appreciation.”

Suddenly Demetri seemed so much older than I. He had gone through a lot in his life, and it showed in the way he spoke about regret, about living. If there was one thing I was confident about, it was that Demetri knew how to live, and I desperately wanted to follow in his footsteps. But what do you do when the very person’s footsteps you hope to follow in is the exact person you want to carry you?

Chapter Twenty-four

Demetri

“I’m like James Bond minus the British accent,” I announced to Alec on the phone that night.

“Yeah, you’re a regular 007. Tell me, Goldfinger, is the world ever enough?”

“You only live twice, Octopussy.”

“Demetri Daniels, Man with the Golden Gun.”

“I have decided to Die Another Day.”

“I’ve got nothing.” Alec cursed. “Damn, how is it that you beat me at the movie game every single time?”

“I’m sorry, did you not get the whole 007 reference? I’m freaking awesome.”

Alec sighed. “Fine. Tell me what made you like James Bond, and hurry. Nat’s been begging for me to take her to the mall so she can buy you a birthday present.”

“Tell her nothing pink. It makes me look pale.”

“Noted. Now speak, Dr. No, before I hang up on you.”

I nodded in appreciation, even though he couldn’t see me. “I totally forgot about Dr. No, good one. You still lost, but good one.

Anyway…” I moved my guitar and lay across my bed. “I got everyone out of the house without any of the paparazzi seeing them.”

“How’d you do that?”

“Magic.”

Silence. “What, you used your wand?”

“Hilarious. No, my brain. You know all that Cristal our publicist sent over from the record agency and everyone else?”

“Yeah?”

I laughed. “Let’s just say we had a lot of really happy reporters on our front lawn. I passed out all the free shit and they flocked. I gave autographs and the whole time the rest of the gang walked out the back and down the street. Bob drove the cars one by one down the block until they all had their rides and all without any pictures taken.”

“Wow, brilliant Demetri, and without drugs or your wand.

I’m impressed.”

“I live to impress my older brother.”

“And Nat,” Alec interjected. “Don’t forget Nat.”

“Am I on speakerphone?”

“Why can’t I get you pink, Demetri? Remember the pink shirt I got you at —”

“No, I’ve blocked that memory, and it said I sing for Seaside. I almost got punched when I wore that shirt. No pink, Nat. No pastels. Get me a guy gift. It is my nineteenth birthday. I think I deserve it.”

“Fine,” she grumbled. “Alec, you ready?”

“Gotta run, bro. It’s time to go into Nat’s quantum of solace.”

“Huh?” Nat said as Alec and I both burst out laughing.

“Some things are just for our eyes only, Nat,” I said and then hung up. Damn, I missed my brother sometimes.

I looked at my phone. I wanted to call Alyssa so bad. My fingers ran across her number. Should I? Shouldn’t I? Someone punch me and put me out of my misery. For some reason I felt like she needed her space today, after everything that happened; it just seemed like she was distant.

I decided against it. Space. I needed to give her space and stop being such a damn girl. Trying to distract myself, I ran down the stairs and pulled out a soda from the fridge. I flipped the TV on and jumped onto the couch, causing enough air to move that the papers from group fluttered off the coffee table.

Cursing, I bent to grab them and froze when I saw a name.

Brady.

Thinking it was Alyssa’s I picked it up.

It wasn’t Alyssa’s.

Oh God, I thought I was going to be sick. It couldn’t be Alyssa’s; there was no way it was. Part of me wished it was hers. I needed to look away. I needed to throw the paper away and pretend like I didn’t see it, but I did. I saw everything.

Dear Brady, I’m sorry I never told you about the baby. It just felt like there was never a good time, and you were so happy with Alyssa. I couldn’t do it. I tried to so many times. The night before you died, I even went to your house. I had this huge speech built up. I was a few months along and knew I was going to start showing. I still hadn’t told Aaron it was you, but I knew I needed to tell you first. I remember ringing your doorbell and then I heard laughter. It was her. It was Alyssa, and I thought, why would I ruin her life for my mistake? I was drunk, you were drunk. It didn’t mean anything, and I was so tired of crying. Of bringing others down with me.

So I left. I remember your confused look as you opened the door. Alyssa came bounding out behind you, you wrapped your arms around her and kissed her, and I knew I made a good decision.

The next day I started bleeding. It was like the baby rejected being inside me. Was it because I was an awful person for not telling the baby’s dad? I never got the chance though. Because the same day our baby died, you lost your life too. I regret not telling you that you were a father, only because I think you would have been a great father, and because you were a great person inside and out. I know you didn’t mean to cheat on her.

You guys had been together for a while. You were inseparable. Alcohol has a way of messing with us, doesn’t it? I guess what I’m trying to say is I’m sorry. But I’m so glad that our baby is in heaven with you. I’m glad you get to be a father, even if I lost the chance to be a mother.

I’m sorry, Brady…

Holly.

Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit! I slammed my hand against the table, causing a slicing pain to radiate from my thumb all the way up my forearm.

After cursing for another five minutes. I grabbed the pieces of paper and ran next door. I let myself in, I mean I usually only did that when Nat was home, but this was an emergency.

I banged on the door to Mrs. Murray’s office. “I have to talk to you. Now!” I was going to freaking lose my mind if she didn’t open the door and — “— Demetri? I’m just finishing up with another client. Why don’t you wait on the couch, okay?” Her eyes narrowed as she took in my panic-stricken face. “Don’t do anything stupid. Just sit and pull yourself together, alright?”

“Right,” I said shakily. I couldn’t sit. I paced in the living room for the next ten minutes, alternating between cursing and wanting to run my own face through the wall.

Finally the door to Mrs. Murray’s office opened up. And because I was currently living my own version of hell, it didn’t seem shocking to have Holly be the girl coming out of the office.

In tears.

She looked in my direction and then down at the papers in my hand. I tried to hide them, instead I froze. She froze too. I wasn’t sure who was more freaked out, she or I.

“You know?”

“No.” I lied.

“You’re lying.”

I gulped and looked down. I couldn’t even look her in the eyes. “I didn’t mean to read it. I was gathering the papers, and it fell and I saw his name and… I’m so sorry.” My voice cracked.

Holly sighed and walked over to me. “Maybe it’s good that you know.”

“How is it good that I know? How the hell is it good?” I was shaking again. Damn, what I wouldn’t do for a drink or for someone to shoot me and put me out of my misery.

“At least you know why I waited to so long to tell Aaron, and why Brady’s death upset me so much. It feels good to tell someone else. Now four people know. You, Sam, Mrs. Murray, and Aaron.”

I knew where this was going. I took a step back, but she took a step forward at the exact same time. “I can’t tell her yet. I’m not ready.”

I wasn’t able to find my voice.

Holly’s eyes welled with tears. “What good would it do anyway? I can’t have her remember him as a cheater. It’s bad enough that Sam knows. Besides, Brady loved her. It was a mistake. I can’t do that to his memory.”

“He’s dead!” I screamed, completely losing my cool.

Holly stepped back.

“He’s freaking dead, and everyone pretends like he was some sort of hero, some saint! She deserves to know what he did, what he did to both of you! He should have taken care of you. He shouldn’t have been at a party when he had a girlfriend, and he sure as hell shouldn’t have been drinking if he was tempted by other girls!”