“B, would you mind sending her something for her birthday?”

“I was already planning on it.”

“Really?”

“Of course. I’ve also started researching stalking cases.”

“Really?” He continues to surprise me.

“Yes. I want you back in my life, Keats. I need you back in my life.”

“My life is so messed up, B. Just when I think I’m getting somewhere, I realize that all I’ve done is screw it up more.”

“Take control.”

“What do you mean?”

“I guess maybe all this has made me cynical. Or maybe it’s because I’m not smoking much anymore. But I’m tired of relying on fate. I’m going to figure a way out of this.”

“I suggested to Garrett that we hire a hit man and be done with it.”

B laughs. “I suggested the same thing. How’s the play going?”

“Our first performance is in a couple weeks.”

“I wish I could come watch you.”

“I wish you could too. I’ve been following your surfing. You’ve been doing really well.”

“Yeah. Getting second in the last two tournaments has been amazing. But now, I want first.”

“Has my laid-back surfer boy got a competitive streak I didn’t know about?”

“I miss that the most.”

“Miss what?”

“Hearing you call me yours.”

My phone buzzes. I pull it away from my ear and see that Mom is calling.

“That’s my mom on the other line. I should probably take it.”

“Sweet dreams, Keats.”

I click over to Mom.

“Hey, Mom.”

“Keatyn, are you okay?”

“Yeah, I’m fine. She’s two. She doesn’t understand,” I sniffle.

“Sweetie, don’t cry. She doesn’t hate you.”

“This isn’t fair, Mom. I’m missing everything. Every new word. Every inch they grow. Every stupid thing the dog does. I can’t do this anymore. I love it here, but I’m living a lie. I’m lying to everyone. Most of all, myself. I’m trying to make a new life, but I don’t want to. I want my old life back. I’m going to do something drastic. I can’t take it anymore.”

“What do you mean, drastic?”

“Do you know anyone in the mob?”

“The mob?”

“I want to have Vincent killed.”

“Keatyn! No. You can go to jail for that. And you’d never see the girls if that happened.”

“How many years would I get if I got caught?”

“I don’t know.”

“I don’t either. But what if I didn’t get caught? And even if I did, I think if I explained it they would understand. I think I’d get a light sentence. And then I’d be out in a few years for good behavior. And I have money. Why couldn’t I hire the best lawyer and get out of it? At least if I went to jail, I’d know how long I had before it was over. I think that’s what’s killing me. What will I do when I get my life back? B and I made up. Like, we’re talking. Not fighting. And I really loved him, Mom. I really did. And I was so dumb. I tried to change him.”

“Honey, you’re young. You’re going to make mistakes. Boys are a part of that. But they aren’t life-changing mistakes.”

“Like becoming friends with Vincent was?”

“Don’t you dare blame yourself for this. It’s not your fault. Even if you hadn’t become friends, he would’ve been obsessed with you. There were photos from before you met.”

“Yeah, maybe.”

“Keatyn, Gracie is three. She won’t remember if you miss her party. We’ll make sure it’s fun. Just send her a present. And maybe we can do a video chat.”

“I also think I’m lovesick.”

“Lovesick?”

“Yes, one minute I think I should just choose Dawson. The next minute, I think I want to be with Aiden. It was bad enough when it was a sort of love triangle. Now that I’m talking to B again, I realize how much I miss him. Now I’m in a love rectangle. Or a rhombus. Whatever. And it’s making me sick. I even have a sore throat.”

“I wish I was there to take care of you like I did when you were little. Do you remember what we always did?”

“Watched The Little Mermaid and ate popcorn in bed.”

“Let me guess. The last boy you are with is the one that you think you like the most?”

“Yes.”

“That’s because it’s the last thing you felt. You can’t ping pong like that. Someone is going to get hurt. Probably, you.”

“Haven’t you ever been with someone and wondered if you should be with someone else? You practically had sex with your hot costar in To Maddie With Love. You can’t tell me you didn’t feel a thing.”

“My heart didn’t feel a thing. It’s late. You need to get to sleep. I love you.”

“I love you too, Mom . . . Mom?”

“What?”

“Give the girls big hugs for me. Tommy and James too.”

“I will, sweetie. I will.”

I hang up and think.

Maybe she’s right. Maybe it isn’t lovesickness. It’s ping ponging. Which is probably something like motion sickness. Only it causes you to question your feelings. And that makes you feel sick all the time.

Like a never-ending hangover.

That’s what this is.

It’s a hottie hangover.

I also think about what she didn’t say. What her body felt.

I trudge back to my room and try to go to sleep.

My phone lights up the room.

B: You are always new. The last of your kisses was ever the sweetest; the last smile the brightest, the last movement the gracefullest. Keats for my Keats. I want to be the last of your everythings. <3

I stare up at the stars glowing on my ceiling and think my head might explode.

Wednesday, October 26th

I’m not perfect.

6:20pm

Today, I am successful with English as my new lover. I study and avoid everyone. I’m in my room studying during dinner when my phone rings.

I smile when I see who’s calling.

“Hey, Damian! How’s Japan?”

“Crazy. Different. It’s been quite the experience. How are you? We haven’t talked since Miami. Your friend, Riley, told you that I called, right?”

“Yeah, he told me. It was so good to see you. To have you sing me a lullaby. I miss that.”

“I didn’t know he would come there. I never thought he would.”

“I didn’t either. Did you hear what he’s doing now? The nationwide search?”

“Yeah, Tommy told me.”

“You’ve been talking to Tommy?”

“He’s coming to Tokyo next week to shoot a commercial. We’re gonna have dinner.”

“That’s great.”

“I talked to Brooklyn too. He told me you two made up.”

“I’m not perfect, Damian.”

Damian laughs. “You just now figuring that out?”

“Kinda. I blamed him for everything that didn’t work between us. A lot of it was my fault too.”

“So do I need to kick his ass?”

That makes me laugh. “You planning on seeing him?”

“Actually, yeah, that’s why I called. He’s in Japan this weekend. Surfing Tahara. Our concert is in Kyoto on Friday. They’re only a couple hours apart.”

“Gracie’s birthday is coming up.”

“I know. I bought her a huge stuffed Hello Kitty. I think she’ll like it.”

“You did? That’s so sweet. Thank you.”

“You don’t have to thank me. I love Gracie. I mean, who could resist that pout?”

“No one can.” I laugh. “You don’t need to kick B’s ass anymore. Can I ask you a question though?”

“Of course.”

“He says when this is all over that he wants to give us another chance. Do you think I should?”

“I think that all depends on where you are when this is all over. Right now, it being over isn’t looking too good.”

“I know, but I need to hang onto that hope. It’s what gets me through, you know?”

“I know. What did you decide to do for Thanksgiving?”

“I’d like to go to The Crab, if that’s still okay.”

“I’ll let Dad’s assistant know. She’ll make sure everything is ready for you. Will you be there alone?”

“I mentioned it to a friend, but we haven’t talk about it since. So yeah, probably.”

“I hate that you’ll be alone.”

“It’ll be okay. I’m looking forward to it, actually.”

“Well, the jury’s still out on Brooklyn as far as I’m concerned. I’ll let you know if I had to kick his ass or not.”

“Sounds good. Tell him hi for me. And know that I wish I was there with you guys.”

“We’ll wish you were too. Bye, Keats.”

Thursday, October 27th

I’m getting jacked.

English

I let out a huge sigh of relief, walk to the teacher’s desk, and hand in my English test. I’m pretty sure I got a good grade.

Dallas follows me out the door. I look over and realize that I have to look up at him.

“Have you gotten taller?”

“Yeah, a little.”

“You’re taller than me now. No wonder you eat so much.”

He pulls up his Eastbrooke polo sleeve and flexes a surprisingly buff arm at me. “I’m getting jacked too.”

I squeeze his bicep. “Damn. You are.”

“Oh, hey, there’s the love god stalking you. See ya, Kiki.”

“So, how was the test?” Aiden asks me.

“How do you know my schedule?”

“I think you told me.”

“I don’t remember telling you,” I tease.

“Fine. Dallas told me.”

I raise my eyebrows at him. “So you were talking about me, huh?”

He shakes his head as his big hand cups my waist. “Maybe a little.”

Electricity runs through my blood, energizing me more than a Red Bull. I was tired, but now I’m wide awake, my heart racing.

“So?” He gives my waist a little tickle.

I giggle and move my away, even though I don’t really want him to stop touching me.

“I think I did well. English has always been my best subject, but I forgot to study for a test the night I missed curfew, when we were dancing, and I totally bombed it. Like, I got a 37. It killed my grade.”

“So it’s my fault?”

I smile. “Well, now that you mention it, I think it is.”

“Have lunch with me today?”

“Sure.”

“Cool,” he says. “I need to stop in the office real quick. Meet me there?”

I tell him okay, then get a text from Dawson.

Dawson: You done with the boy-free zone yet?

Me: Yes :) Test is OVER!

Dawson: I miss you :(

Me: And you’re horny?

Dawson: Very. You don’t want me wandering around school all horny and lonely, do you?

Me: I could have sex with you every minute of every day, and you’d still be horny. You’re a boy. And even worse, you’re a Johnson. I’ve been hearing about Cam’s exploits last year in the dance locker room.

Dawson: You know I’m not like him. Go to the JV game with me tonight. I’ll bring a big sweatshirt ;)

Me: I have rehearsal.

Dawson: Sit with me at lunch?

Me: Aiden already asked me to.

Dawson: That pisses me off.

Me: Would you prefer I have lunch with you and start having sex with him?

Dawson: Good point.

I get some food then sit down next to Dallas. A few minutes later, Aiden joins us.

“You coming to watch the JV game tonight?” Riley asks me.

“I can’t. I have rehearsal.”

“Shoot. Forgot about that. When do you have it this weekend?”

“Early Saturday morning and then Sunday night.”

“Perfect. You’re coming home with me.”

“What for?”

“Saturday is my birthday.”

“Really? I didn’t know that!”

“You know now.”

“Is Ariela coming too?”

“No, she has that cheer competition. Sucks. Dawson and I have to go home with our parents after the game on Friday. Maybe you could take the train after practice?”

“Of course. I wouldn’t miss it.”

“I’ll wait and come with her,” Dallas offers.

I pat his forearm and lean my head into the side of his. “That’s sweet,” I tell him.

“I have plans Friday night,” he whispers.

I roll my eyes at him. Then I glance at Aiden.

He doesn’t look happy. And I’m not sure why.

But as we walk together to French, he doesn’t say a word to me.

Not my fault.

8:30pm

I come off the stage after doing one of my scenes and look around for Aiden.

“I don’t think he’s coming,” Logan says to me.

“Why not?”

“Where are you going this weekend?”

“Riley’s birthday party.”

“At Dawson’s house.”

“That’s not my fault.”

“You’re driving him nuts.”