“Think of Myrna,” Trey said.

“I’m mostly thinking of my stomach.” Brian scooted in next to Jace. “Man, you sure you should be out of the hospital? You look like death warmed over.”

Now Aggie felt guilty. She exchanged glances with Eric. “We should have let him sleep in this morning,” she whispered as she turned the hash browns.

“He usually doesn’t get out of bed until noon. He always looks like shit in the morning.”

Aggie went to the refrigerator and shoved the beer aside until she found a bottle of orange juice. She unscrewed the top and set it in front of Jace. “Here, baby, drink this.”

He blushed at her sentiment, and it did not go unnoticed by the other guys. “Yeah, baby, dwink your juice all up,” Trey said. “Be a good widdle man.”

Brian pinched Jace’s cheek. “Such a cute widdle baby, isn’t he? He needs to dwink his juice from his sippy cup.”

Scowling, Jace slapped Brian’s hand away.

Aggie grinned. The guys loved him. That’s why they teased him relentlessly. He was like their adored little brother. Why couldn’t Jace see that? Maybe Aggie needed to help him see what was already there.

Chapter 34

Jace stood behind the stage watching the roadies set up for the concert in Edmonton. He could hang out here until they were done. Then he’d have to leave because Jon would start rehearsing with the band for their show. He couldn’t force himself to watch that.

The next night there’d be a symphony playing in this venue, and the orchestra’s instruments had already been delivered. They were lined up along the back wall behind the stage area which made it challenging for the roadies to maneuver their stage sections into place. Feeling woozy from looking at the rigging, Jace meandered to the bench in front of the symphony’s grand piano. He sat heavily and took a deep breath. Maybe he should check himself into a hospital. He couldn’t regain his strength. That probably had to do with keeping Aggie satisfied. It was impossible to keep his hands off her. He didn’t bother trying.

Jace leaned against the keyboard of the piano, and it pinged discordantly. Someone had forgotten to cover the keys. He turned on the bench, tossed back the heavy canvas covering the instrument, and reached for the little knob connected to the wooden lid. His wrist hit the keys. He paused, instantly transported back in time. He could almost feel his mother sitting beside him, her arm pressed against his shoulder, her leg against his. During those times, he pretended she cared about him.

Jace shrugged his sling aside and allowed his fingers to settle on the keys, his feet on the pedals. He definitely felt Mother as his fingers found a familiar melody. He could hear her, speaking in that barely perceptible whisper of hers. Don’t play the music, Jason. Let the music play you. Give yourself over to it. Let it inside. It’s alive. Do you feel it?

Music was alive. He did feel it. He always had. It was more real than his own existence.

Jace let the melody take him, giving his fingers free rein. The keys beside him, where his mother’s fingers should have rested, remained still, but he heard her playing with him as surely as if she’d been sitting beside him. When he reached the end of the song, the final note rang and his mother faded away.

“I didn’t know you played piano,” Aggie said. “That was beautiful.” She slid onto the bench beside him. “Play something else.”

He shook his head and pulled the cover forward to hide the keyboard. He hurriedly slipped his arm back in his sling so she didn’t harass him about playing. Aggie took his left hand and squeezed. How did she always know when he was feeling most vulnerable? She sensed it like a vulture senses carrion, and circled overhead, waiting for the perfect opportunity to swoop down and rip his heart out.

“Where did you learn to play?” She brushed his hair behind his ear with her free hand. It was getting too long to spike, and he needed to bleach his roots, but since he wasn’t performing, he didn’t bother.

The shiny black cover that hid the keyboard blurred out of focus. “My mother taught me.”

“She must have been talented.”

“Yeah. Music was the only thing she really loved.”

Aggie’s hand slid over his lower back, and she leaned against him. “And you. She loved you.”

He shook his head slightly. “No. She never wanted me.”

“I don’t believe that.”

He found the anger—found it and clung to it. “I don’t give a fuck what you believe.”

He shoved her away and tried to stand, but she grasped him around the waist and pulled him back on the bench.

“I don’t believe that either. Talk.” She slid a hand up his face and turned his head. He couldn’t meet her eyes, so he stared at her chin. “Talk to me, Jace.”

He didn’t want to talk. He wanted to fester. Why wouldn’t she leave him alone?

“Tell me why you think your mother didn’t want you.”

The ache in his chest spread up his throat, stealing his air. “Because…” He took a deep shaky breath. “Because she told me. Every day she told me.”

He fought the stinging ache behind his eyes. Men don’t cry, son. Yes, Father. I know. I know. It’s her fault. Aggie’s. She won’t leave me alone. She keeps pushing. And pushing.

“What did she say exactly, Jace?” Aggie asked. “Maybe you misunderstood.”

He laughed bitterly. “Yeah, I was just a dumb kid. I must have misunderstood.” He peeled her off his body and stood. He’d lock himself in the men’s room for a while until he got himself under control. Surely she wouldn’t follow him there.

Aggie shoved him back down on the bench. His back hit the fall board covering the piano keys, and pain snaked through the healing wound in his shoulder. She straddled his lap, facing him, and grabbed his chin in one hand. She had that cold, dominatrix look in her eyes. It effectively got his attention.

“You’re not going to get out of this that easily. You can pretend to be mad at me, but it won’t get me off your case.”

“Who’s pretending?”

“You are. Tell me what your mother said that hurt you so deeply.”

“I’m not hurt.”

“You are hurt, you dummy, and that pain won’t ever go away unless you let it go. I want to help you, but I don’t know what I’m up against, Jace. Talk to me. Tell me.”

“Maybe I don’t want it to go away. Maybe I like it. You’re the one who made me admit I like pain.”

She hit him in the chest with both palms. “This isn’t a game anymore, dammit. Don’t you get it?” She hugged him unexpectedly, pressing her nose into his neck. Her warm breath brushed his skin beneath his ear. “I’m sorry I hit you. I’m so frustrated. What did she say to you, sweetheart? What did she say? Go away? Give me a minute to myself? Go play in your room for a while, Mommy’s busy right now? What? Just tell me.”

Jace snorted. If Mother had only been so kind. He repeated his mother’s mantra to Aggie in the same low whisper she’d always used. Mother had always whispered it close to his ear, as if she wasn’t really saying those hurtful words, if she said them quietly enough, if no one heard them but him. “If it weren’t for you, Jason, I could have had my dream. If it weren’t for you, Jason, I wouldn’t have had to marry your father. Why did I get pregnant? I should have given you up for adoption. I never wanted you. You’re the reason I live like this. In this hovel. With that man. I could have been a concert pianist. I could have been somebody. And now, you know what I am? I’m just your mother. That’s all I am. His wife. Your mother. I am no one. I don’t want to be your mother, Jason. I never did. I’ll give you away. Give you to someone who can stand to look at you.”

His hands gripped Aggie’s waist as old fears found their way into his heart. “She left me places, Aggie. She pretended she was happy to see me when the cops brought me home. ‘He’s always wandering off by himself,’ she’d tell them and then give them coffee and cookies while she told them stories about my wandering ways. They’d laugh about how cute I was. ‘He’s adorable. You’re lucky no one took him,’ they’d say. I was afraid to leave the house with her. I never knew where she’d leave me. When we were out, I didn’t dare go to the bathroom or turn my back or let her out of my sight, because if I did, she’d be gone. I could never find her. I’d look for her and call for her, but she’d be gone. She didn’t want me, Aggie. She never wanted me. But when we played piano together, I felt something—some closeness to her. I don’t know what it was.” Something hot and wet slipped down his cheek. “She loved that fucking piano, but she never loved me.” He dashed a tear away angrily. “Do you see why I don’t want to talk about this? Now I’m fuckin’ crying like a little girl.”

Aggie crushed his face into her chest, her body shaking with sobs. What was she crying about? She’d wanted him to tell her, so he had. And now she was crying? Women. He didn’t understand them.

Aggie kissed the top of his head, rubbing her face against his hair. Getting it wet with tears. Messing it up. Making him feel like a total ass. What if one of the guys saw them like this? He’d never hear the end of it.

“She’s gone, Jace. She can’t hurt you anymore.”

She was gone. His mother. And before she died, he never got to tell her it didn’t matter that she didn’t love him. He loved her. And that fucking piano of hers? He loved it too. A week after she’d been buried, his father had donated her piano to some school—gotten rid of it because it reminded him of her. That had been worse for Jace, somehow, than her actual death. Father wanted no reminders of her in his house. The woman had been everything to him. Not just his wife. His life. He’d changed after she’d died. He became crueler than Jace’s mother had ever thought of being, because Dad needed someone to blame for the love of his life’s premature death, and Jace had been the only one available to hold responsible.

Jace closed his eyes tightly, blocking thoughts of his father from his mind.

Aggie kissed his temple tenderly. “I think she did love you, Jace, but it doesn’t matter. She’s gone, and I’m here. I love you. I do. I love you.”

Fear paralyzed him. He couldn’t move when every instinct told him to run. “Don’t,” he whispered.

“Shhh,” Aggie murmured. “It’s okay. I know you don’t know how to respond. I understand. I won’t ever abandon you. I’ll be here whenever you need me.”

And that was far more terrifying than being six years old and left alone in the reptile house at the zoo. At least there, the things that frightened him were in cages. They couldn’t get to him. But Aggie got to him. And it scared the hell out of him. “Will you hurt me?” he asked. “I need it.” The pain was too raw. He needed help burying it again.

She cupped his face in both hands—kissed his eyelids, the tip of his nose, his lips. “Yes. I’ll hurt you. I know what to do now.”

Panic flooded his chest. She knew what to do? What did she mean by that?

“We need someplace private,” she murmured. “Do you think the guys would be willing to install a soundproof room on the tour bus?”

Jace laughed. “You know, they might. We wouldn’t be the only ones to benefit from that.”

She kissed him again, smiling down at him. “Let’s go.”

***

Aggie approached Sed, who sat slouched on the couch watching television in a trancelike state next to Eric. Jace headed straight for the bedroom.

Sed glanced at her. “What’s up?”

“Do you think you could get everyone to stay off this bus for about an hour? Jace and I need a little privacy. Well, a lot of privacy.”