Everything seemed to be fading out now; my picture of them in my head was becoming less clear. I couldn’t be certain of anything other than three things: the blinding pain in my lungs, the seatbelt restraining me, and Luke’s hand in mine. I looked at him now, not even blaming him for putting me through this. I looked at his face that I loved so much and I was kind of glad that we’d gone together like this; it was almost poetic in a horrifying, twisted, mortifying way. I blinked once, twice, three times, but when I tried to open my eyes after the third time I just couldn’t.

Chapter 30

An incessant beeping was the first thing I noticed, not loud, but just loud enough to catch my attention. My eyelids felt like ton weights as I registered another sound - soft snoring. I swallowed and then instantly wished I hadn’t because my throat was so dry that it actually hurt. My tongue felt too big for my mouth as I tried to lick my dry, cracked lips. My whole body felt heavy, like my limbs had suddenly turned into lumps of concrete. As I turned my head towards the snoring sound, pain zipped like lightening down across my shoulder and chest.

I groaned and squeezed my eyes shut tighter, fighting against the urge to cry. Confusion built up as I cracked my eyes open, blinking against the fogginess that seemed to have settled over me. Above me was a foam tiled ceiling. I frowned at it, trying to work out where I was. My hand moved, fingering the scratchy cotton blankets across my body. I swallowed painfully again, and ignored the pain in my neck this time as I turned my head to the side.

Immediately my gaze settled on Alex. He was slumped awkwardly in a chair, his head resting on his hand as he snored quietly. He looked a mess, his clothes were rumpled, his hair sticking up at all angles, and dark shadows resided under his eyes. I tore my gaze away from my twin, flicking my eyes around the room, taking in the white walls and the blue curtain that hung on a rail around my bed, separating off the room. I had a sudden feeling that I was in a hospital, but I had no idea why. I wracked my brains, thinking of anything that would cause my body to feel like I’d been hit by a train.

All at once it came back to me. The bridge, the water, the cold. I gasped and tried to sit up as my thoughts turned to Luke. A yelp left my lips as I fell helplessly back down to the pillows as pain burned through my chest, seeming to make my lungs constrict. The feeling of drowning washed over me as visions of the rising water filled my brain. A deep terror set in that was like reliving a nightmare as I fought against myself to get my breathing under control.

“Maisie?” Alex croaked sleepily.

I squeezed my eyes shut as my lungs burned with the memory of being filled with the murky, freezing water. It was all rushing over me again, like a flashback, little bits stabbing at my mind. Visions of the water rising, the light slowly fading out, the blood trickling down Luke’s forehead as he slumped over the steering wheel, his clothes floating around him as the water got too high, all of it filled my mind, almost making me lose grip on reality as if I was back there again.

I was vaguely aware of a loud moaning sound. It sounded like death, like someone was dying slowly and painfully. There was a pressure on my shoulders that made my neck ache as I was shaken gently. My name was being repeated over and over in a voice I recognised, but I was trapped, still trapped in that car with Luke. I knew the moaning sound was coming from me, but I just couldn’t stop it.

“Maisie, for goodness sake calm down!” Alex ordered, pulling me roughly so that my back rose off of the bed. His arms slipped around me as he crushed me against his body. One of his hands gripped the back of my head as I tried to fight the drowning memories. The pain that burned through my ribs as I moved was enough to jerk me out of the car and drop me back into the hospital bed.

I still couldn’t open my eyes as my twin’s warmth flooded my system, warming my cold and shocked body. His breathing was also laboured, as if he was struggling to remain in control too. My arms were like ton weights, but somehow I managed to get them up and wrap around his shoulders as the shock slowly sank in and relief built up inside me. I didn’t think I would ever see him again, but here he was, clinging to me like his life depended on it. I was alive. Somehow I hadn’t died in the car. I’d never been more grateful for life than in that moment. No more would I ever take anything for granted, because that experience just proved that it could all be taken away from you in a matter of seconds.

I pulled back slightly and kissed his cheek, seeing that he was close to tears as his blue eyes seemed to be memorising every inch of my face. “You frightened the shit out of me. Don’t ever do that to me again,” he grunted, shaking his head as he stroked my hair back softly.

I nodded, instantly groaning because it hurt to move even an inch. “What happened?” I choked out, my voice hoarse and barely above a whisper.

“Here, let’s lay you back down,” he murmured. Frown lines covered his forehead as he gently helped me lay back into the firm pillows. Once I was settled, he sat on the edge of my bed, taking my hand and holding it too tightly for comfort, but I was too grateful that he was here to complain about it. He didn’t look at me as he spoke, “Luke’s car went over the side of the bridge. You nearly died. Actually, you did die for a while, but some people saw it happen so they climbed down the verge and dived in after you. They pulled you out, and luckily one of them knew basic CPR so he got you breathing again,” he said quietly. He swallowed loudly as his eyes met mine. “You were lucky. The doctors said that if you’d been without oxygen for any longer then you wouldn’t have been able to be revived, or if you were revived then you might have had brain damage.” He shifted on the bed gently, making the pain more prominent in my ribs as the mattress dipped. Alex winced apologetically. “You have broken ribs and bruising across your stomach from the seatbelt. You have whiplash too,” he explained.

My injuries were the last thing I was thinking about now though. Alex words were slowly filtering through my brain. Someone dived in and saved us? Gratitude made my eyes prickle as I realised that I would never be able to repay this person who risked their own life to dive into the depths of the dirty water to save us. The word hero didn’t really seem enough to describe this faceless, nameless person. Luke and I would be in their debt for ever.

As soon as I thought about Luke, my eyes flitted to the side, looking around the room that was empty other than me and my brother. Luke must have his own room.

“Where’s Luke?”

Alex shifted again, getting to his feet, his eyes leaving mine. “I’ll go get Mom and Dad and tell them you’re awake, they’re getting coffee,” he mumbled.

As he turned to leave I grabbed his hand, needing to know. “Alex, where’s Luke?” I whispered. Dread was already settling in the pit of my stomach. I think deep down I already knew, but I needed to hear the words anyway.

Alex’s face contorted in pain as he turned back to me, his hand tightening on mine to the point of my fingers feeling about ready to snap from the pressure. “He didn’t make it, Maze-daze,” he croaked, shaking his head, his voice filled with pain.

My breath left my body in one big gust as my heart seemed to shatter into a million pieces. He’d died. He’d left me here to pick up the pieces and live without him. In a way I hated him for it, but another part of me loved him so much that it was like someone had stabbed me in the stomach. The grief was crushing as Alex bent over and wrapped an arm around my shoulders awkwardly, pulling me into another hug as he gripped my shoulder tightly.

I didn’t know what to say as I cried helplessly, clinging to Alex as if he could somehow make it better and take away the pain, to fill the gaping hole that resided where my heart used to be. Alex mumbled soothing words as he stroked my back, telling me how sorry he was, but I could barely hear him. My heartbeat was banging in my ears, echoed by shrill beeping from the machine I was attached too.

Luke’s face swam before me, haunting me, terrorising me, but most of all, ripping my heart into a million pieces. He was my everything, and now he was gone. I’d only just got him back, we’d made plans for our combined future, and now he was gone. He’d left me, and now I was going to have to be without him.

I could barely cope as in the back of my mind I registered being forced back into the pillows as I thrashed and cried, gasping for breath, wishing for death because the emotional pain was too much for me to deal with. I barely registered that there were people around me, holding me down, shouting words to one another, words like sedative, IV line, oxygen and cardiac arrest.

I saw the flash of a syringe before the person holding it pushed it into the drip that was hanging next to me. I choked on my sob, swatting away the plastic mask that someone was attempting to put over my face. My dad’s worried face, my mom crying, Alex looking at me with wide, horrified eyes; those were the things I saw as my eyes started to get heavy. My efforts to fight them off became less and less violent as my body started to get heavy. I gave in, hoping that whatever they’d given me would just kill me so I wouldn’t have to deal with this grief.

Unfortunately, the sedative seemed to turn off my body, but not my brain. It paralysed me, trapping me in a sleep which I didn’t want to be in. A sleep where Luke floated in front of me, gasping for breath, clutching at his throat as the cut on his head slowly turned the water around me into blood. His eyes were terrified, fearful, and hopeless. They were the eyes I’d seen just before he told me he couldn’t live without me and then drove us off of the bridge. In the dream I screamed and screamed for help that never came, so I watched him drown before me while I clutched at his hand, my lungs burning as I tried not to drown in his blood too. I was trapped in a never-ending nightmare, replaying the whole thing over and over. It was like hell, and I actually wondered if maybe that stranger hadn’t saved me after all, maybe I died in that crash and this was hell that I was doomed to watch my boyfriend die over and over while I could do nothing about it.

For too long I drifted in and out of my nightmares. Just as some semblance of the world came back to me again I was pulled back under, crushed by the onslaught of both memories and dreams. By the time I could fully open my eyes and blink without being dragged back into sleep, it was dark outside. The glow of the halogen strip lighting was too bright as I squinted up at the ceiling. My whole body hurt, but mostly my chest which felt like someone had hollowed me out with some rusty, blunt instrument, leaving just an empty shell behind. The grief felt like it had torn me apart inside, took all my hope, dreams and happiness and separated them from me completely so that I could barely even remember what it felt like not to feel like I’d been hit by a train at full speed.