Olivia

 

Five tiny breaths. I take five tiny breaths and lower my hands from my face. The stick confirmed my fear… the fear of a small baby growing inside of my body. Already my body feels alien to me, like I’m split in two. Seth stares at the stick… his face void of any emotion.

 

“Say something…” I utter, raking my teeth painfully over my bottom lip. “Say anything…”

 

He runs a large hand over his mouth before squeezing his chin. When it drops from his face, he pushes off of the counter and rakes his fingers through his hair. I watch him closely and I see him become more and more anxious with every second that passes. It’s going to be okay, I comfort myself, he promised… and Seth has never broken a promise to me.

 

“You haven’t been taking your pill?” His question is quiet. So quiet I barely hear it.

 

“You’re not exactly an effective reminder for birth control, Seth. I mean, look at you. You take your shirt off and my brain stops working, my ovaries ache, and my body forces itself into ovulation regardless of Mother Nature or the pills I’m taking.”

 

“We’re going to be parents?” he asks, not once looking at me.

 

“I… I guess so.” My bottom lip quivers. “Seth-”

 

“I can’t be a father,” he whispers, crouching low and cupping his face. “I can’t be a parent.”

 

“It’s a bit too late for that, don’t you think?” I snap, stepping forward.

 

Abruptly, Seth straightens and towers over me, but I refuse to cower from him. “It’s not too late, Olivia.”

 

I flinch as my breath hitches painfully in my throat. He would never suggest I do anything like that… abort my baby—our baby? “You’re out of your mind if you think I’m going to hurt our child.”

 

He frowns, genuinely perplexed with my response. “It’s not a child, not yet.”

 

My heart splinters and jabs painfully into my lungs. I can’t breathe. Tears burn my eyes, but I don’t dare pull away from his stare—his dark, chocolate stare.

 

“What you’re saying to me…” My voice cracks and my nose runs, but I don’t care. “Is not something a husband is meant to say to his wife…”

 

There’s pain in his face… I can see it as clear as day, but he won’t express it. He’s not giving me a reason to sympathize with him. He wants to be blamed, he wants me to hate him, to make it easier on him. Seth’s looking for a way to hurt himself, I know it. It’s what he does.

 

“You say you always want the truth from me. There you go.”

 

I growl as I shove my hands into his stomach. He barely flinches, taking a subtle step back. “Why are you doing this? You said we were going to be okay!”

 

I shove him again and he takes another step. I’m ugly crying—my eyes feel puffy, my throat clogged with sobs. He promised…

 

“And we will be okay, but we need to sort this out.”

 

There’s nothing to sort out. If he’s too scared to be a part of this, then fine, I don’t need him to be.

 

“I’m going to keep it, Seth,” I sob. “And I’m not asking for your permission.”

 

“You’re backing me into a corner!” he snaps. Regret immediately fills his glistening eyes, but that is the last straw.

 

“Is that what I’m doing? I’m backing you into a corner? How do you think I feel?” My shouts echo through the bathroom, bouncing off the walls. “You don’t think I feel trapped? You don’t think I’m fucking petrified? I’m not ready to be a mother.”

 

“At least you know you’ll be a good mom. I can’t be a good father, I’ve had no one to learn from—hell—how can I be a good dad when I’m not even sure if I’m a good person?”

 

My fight softens… it always comes back to Seth and his inability to see the good in himself. “You are a good person.” I swipe away the inundating tears. “How many times do I have to say it before you believe me?”

 

He shakes his head and pushes past me. “I have to go.”

 

I turn with his body, watching his back as he enters the bedroom. “What? Where are you going? If you walk away from me now, then every good thing I’ve ever thought about you isn’t true.”

 

He doesn’t respond, he just leaves… slamming doors in his wake. I stay rooted in my spot, expecting him to come back with a beautiful smile on his face and laugh it off, telling me it’s all part of some sick joke.

 

He doesn’t come back. I stand still, waiting for twenty minutes but he doesn’t come back. A single, scalding tear falls from my eye and tolls down my cheek. I wipe it away, along with my sadness. The only thing that fills me now is rage… He fucking left? Just like that? I storm through the room, scooping up a pretty lion ornament. I pull the bedroom door open and, for the first time in my life, I throw something… it sails over the stair banister and onto the floor, shattering into a million tiny pieces, just like my relationship, the relationship that I defended from the beginning. I turn on my heel and throw myself onto our bed. It smells like him—of course it fucking does. God forbid it absorbs my scent, something that doesn’t set me on fire or crush my soul. I bunch up the satin sheets and bury my head in them. He’ll come back. I know he will… but even as I think that, there’s an uncertainty swirling around my stomach. I have to call him. I sit up as I pull my phone from my pocket and dial his number. It rings out, going straight to voicemail. After the beep, I leave my message.

 

“I want you to come home… I need you to come home.” I swallow a sob. “This whole time that I’ve let you have me—let you do whatever you want to do to me—was because I love you and I believed you would take care of me no matter what. I don’t blame you, Seth. I don’t blame you because I tricked myself into believing that you weren’t the person that everyone said you were. My heart is telling me that you are a good man, but my brain is telling me that a good man would never have walked out on his wife when she needed him most. I’m scared, too. I have a human in my belly that I have to take care of. I have this baby that’s half me and half you that I have to share my body with and I’m terrified. I’m terrified that I’m responsible for another life when I can barely look after my own.” I angrily wipe away a tear. “You’re not ready for this? I’m the one that has to take all of the risks and I’m mad! I’m mad that you were man enough to stick it in, but not stick around. I’m alone in our room… it’s empty and it’s cold, and it smells like you.” I can’t help the smile that pulls at my lips as his amazing smell filters in through my nose with every inhale. “You know, my father promised me that you were a good man… he vouched for you when no one else would. Please don’t make him a liar. Come home to me, Seth… I love you.”

 

I hang up the phone and fall against the soft mattress. I let my fingers trail over my abdomen and I wonder if the baby can feel how sad I am… am I making it sad? Can it hear me? Does it have ears yet? I’m pregnant… and I have no idea what that entails exactly. I’m not mad at Seth anymore… I forgive him. He’s scared and I want him to come home.

 

I close my eyes and take calming breaths. In my chest, my heart still beats fast and my throat tingles. Seth’s face flashes through my mind. I see his gorgeous brown eyes and heartbreaking smile, and I lose it. Sobs erupt from my throat and I roll onto my side, gripping the sheet and pulling it into my face to catch the tears…

 

He left.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Seth

 

 

 

 

 

“You know, my father promised me that you were a good man… he vouched for you when no one else would. Please don’t make him a liar. Come home to me, Seth… I love you.”

 

Her sad voice plays through my phone speaker and I rake my teeth over my bottom lip to stop it from trembling. To hear her so destroyed and knowing it’s because of me makes it so much worse.

 

“Fuck!” I shout as I throw my phone against the concrete wall.

 

It impacts with tremendous speed, sending pieces of cell phone in every direction. Leaving it in on the floor, I keep heading down the hallway towards Darryl’s room. I know he’ll give me some good advice or help me in some way. I didn’t mean to bail on Olivia… I panicked. I subconsciously knew the test would be positive… but I wasn’t expecting it to be, if that makes any sense at all. I’m not ready for this. A kid is a big deal and I don’t know what the hell I’m going to do.

 

“What you’re saying to me,” her voice cracks, “is not something a husband is meant to say to his wife…”

 

I drop my head. I told her to get rid of our child… more or less. I didn’t mean to tell her to get rid of it. I don’t want that, not at all, but I said it and once I said it, it seemed like a sound solution. We can always try again when we’re both ready, right? I’m an idiot… a heartless, selfish idiot.

 

I knock on Darryl’s door and wait a few seconds. I don’t expect him to answer. I pissed him off pretty badly today and I don’t know if I can come back from it. What I do know, though, is that I need his advice more than anything right now. I need him to kick me in the ass and send me right back upstairs to Olivia, who’s probably crying her ass off and not sure if she’ll ever see me again. I need someone to tell me it’s not a big deal and that I should stop being selfish and be happy—excited, even.

 

To my surprise, the door opens almost immediately.

 

“I had a feeling I was going to see you,” he grumbles. “Unfortunately, I’m a little caught up with this ridiculous riot on the news, so you’ll have to come back later.”

 

He attempts to shut the door, but I jam my foot in and prevent it from closing. “It’s about Olivia.”

 

Darryl smirks. “Did she have enough sense to leave your ass?”

 

I shake my head. “She’s pregnant.”

 

His body stills and he drops his hand from the handle. Darryl always expects me to do something stupid so it’s not often I surprise him like this. “She’s…”

 

“That’s right. Olivia’s pregnant.”

 

He steps back from the door, giving me enough room to slip in. He watches me closely—shocked as all hell—as I enter his room and stroll down the hallway. His room is nice—a little too small—but still nice. I step into the living room, and sure enough, the riot he was talking about was the one Jackson, Selena, and I started at the Aria casino. The sight of it makes my stomach churn. As I drop into a leather armchair, Darryl leans for the remote off the coffee table and switches off the T.V.

 

“Seth, what are—”

 

“I know, what am I doing? I don’t need this distraction two weeks out from a fight.”

 

“No.” He folds his arms, making his bright orange shirt tighten around his biceps. “What are you doing here? You need to be upstairs with your wife.” A smile splits his face and he lowers himself onto the edge of the coffee table, directly in front of me. “You’re having a baby!”

 

I quirk an eyebrow. He’s happy? “Wait… what? You’re okay with this?”

 

His smile doesn’t falter. “Why wouldn’t I be?”

 

“I…I just assumed you’d be pissed. A child is a huge distraction.”

 

His groomed brows pull together. “I should slap you. A child is a blessing, not a distraction, and it’s attitude like that that makes me think you’ve absorbed more of your father’s stupid advice than mine.”

 

“A blessing? Well… I never thought of it like that.” Even so, the word doesn’t ease the absolute fear of being the head of a family—an actual family—with a kid and all. “I fucked up,” I groan, dropping my head into my hands.

 

“You’re having a baby, I’m sure Olivia can bring herself to forgive what happened today.”

 

“No,” I shake my head. “It’s not about that. I… I told Olivia to—I’m not ready for a baby, Darryl. I freaked out and I yelled and I told her to—” Jesus Christ. I can’t even bring myself to say it. I’m shittier than I thought.

 

Darryl doesn’t need a further explanation. The silence tells me everything, and when I lower my hands, the look of disgust solidifies his silence.

 

“What the hell’s the matter with you?” he demands. His voice is low and laced with bitter disappointment. “She’s your wife… not some one night stand you picked up at a club.”

 

“I know that.”

 

“So why are you treating her like it?”

 

I drop my gaze to the carpet. I have nothing to say to that… I can’t contest something that’s true. I can’t say I’ve been treating her well—like the princess I promised her father or the queen I promised her brother on our wedding day.

 

“I’m scared,” I mutter. I don’t think that’s something I’ve ever admitted aloud before.

 

“I know. The first time is always the scariest, but by tomorrow, you’ll come to terms with it.” He slaps my knee. “You can’t hide down here, Seth. You need to be upstairs.”

 

I almost cringe. Olivia isn’t going to want to see me. What if she wants to end it? To leave me for what I said?

 

“If you think she doesn’t want to see you, then you’re stupider than I thought,” he says, reading my mind.

 

“I told her that when I have kids, I don’t want to fight anymore…” His face remains neutral and I clear my throat. “If I’m going to do this… then Don is my last, Darryl.”

 

I don’t know what I’m expecting him to say… maybe he’ll call me selfish? Maybe he’ll tell me I can have both. I wait with bated breath until he nods at me finally, and with a proud smirk, he says, “So I’ll call your lawyers in the morning. We have more than enough proof to claim a breach of contract. If you want out, I’ll get you out.”

 

“Just like that?”

 

He flashes his palms before running them over the thighs of his pants. “Just like that.” He pushes himself to his feet. “Now get the hell out of here. You have a lot of sucking up to do.”

 

“Yeah…” My chest fills with something light and warm. Love? Happiness? Acceptance? Excitement? I can’t tell. “I guess I do.”

 

I leave the armchair and Darryl follows closely behind me as I head back to the door. I reach for the handle, but he catches my shoulder. “Do me a favor and tell Jackson before you go back to Olivia. He’s not going to take it very well… it’ll give him the day to cool down.”

 

I nod. “Can you call her and tell her I’m coming back after I see Jackson?” I open the door and step out into the hallway. “I would, but I smashed my phone.”

 

Darryl leans against the door frame and stares at me with that fatherly disapproval. “Of course you did.”

 

I roll my eyes and turn away. “I’ll see you tomorrow.”

 

I stroll down the hallway toward the elevator. From memory, Jackson’s staying on the floor above Darryl.

 

“Hey, Seth!” Darryl calls, making me turn around. His lips pull up at the corners, curving into a wide smile. “I’m proud of you, you know that, right?”

 

“You were singing a different tune this morning,” I tell him, but his smile stays plastered in place.

 

“That wasn’t you, that was the old Seth. The new one makes me proud every day.”

 

He slips back inside his room and closes the door. I catch myself smiling stupidly at the wood and quickly drop it. It’s still too early to be happy, I have to tell Jackson and make it up to Olivia before I’m in the clear and it isn’t going to be an easy feat. The way I see it, it can go two ways. One, Jackson punches me in the face (hard) and tells me to go fuck myself. I have a feeling he’s still pissed about what happened between Selena and I. And two, Olivia is also going to punch me in the face (hard) and tell me to go fuck myself. I hear those pregnancy mood swings aren’t too good for the man responsible for them. I step into the elevator and hit the glowing button above the current one. Now that I have a clearer head, it’s time to do some damage control.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Selena answers her door quickly and pouts when she sees my face. “Oh, it’s only you. How’d she take it?”

 

She makes no move to open the door and let me into the room. That’s fine by me, it’s not like I really want to go in there, anyway. Selena plucks a chopped strawberry from the container she’s holding and stuffs it into her mouth. She’s on edge—cranky, too. I’m assuming things didn’t go too well with Jackson after the whole Aria incident.

 

“I didn’t tell her,” I admit on exhale.

 

“Oh, awkward. I hope you’re not here to declare your love for me.” She smirks. “It was only a kiss.”

 

I narrow my eyes at her. It’s way too soon for ‘we kissed’ jokes, but it beats an awkward silence, I guess.

 

“Firstly, if anyone is falling in love with anyone, it’s you. I’m that good a kisser.” She rolls her eyes. “And secondly, sorry, but I prefer brunettes. Where’s Jackson?” I leave no room for more small talk. I just want to know where Jackson is so I can tell him that Don is my last fight.

 

She shrugs, popping another strawberry into her mouth. “Well, he yelled at me a little bit and didn’t want to discuss what happened, so he left for a place called Lucky’s.”

 

I turn away and head for the elevator. It’ll take me straight to the ground floor. I should have known Jackson would disappear to Lucky’s. Now that he and Selena are on a rocky path, that’s where he spends all of his time outside of training. It’s classic tortured Jackson bullshit. I find it strange he’d go there. I know for a fact Lucky’s doesn’t have day fights. Their fights start after eleven p.m. so Jackson is either going there to start a fight or drink until there’s nothing left.

 

“Seth? Where are you going?” she calls after me. “Is it Jackson?”

 

I ignore her, but only because I know if I tell her, she’ll insist on coming with me and, if I’m being honest, I’d rather not spend any more time with Selena. When I reflect back on my day later on—when I’m telling Olivia about it—I don’t want Selena’s name to pop up more times than it should. I don’t want Olivia to think for a second that Selena means anything to me. Selena is Olivia’s friend, and most of the time I dislike her. She helped me out today and that was it. I want nothing else to do with her.

 

 

 

***

 

 

 

 

 

Lucky’s bar. I haven’t been here in years. I rest my arm against the window frame and survey the seedy tavern. It looks the same. It has the same old busted, stone exterior and green trimmings. It has the same old picture windows and low door frames, and it definitely lacks the classy prestige the rest of Las Vegas has, but so did many other bars in this part of town. The only difference between then and now is the thicker blanket of sand shrouding it. On the surface, it looks like your classic run down bar, but underneath its floorboards, there is a whole new world. The surfaces were cleaner, the women hotter, and the alcohol more expensive. Amidst all of the new age decals and accessories, situated in the center of the room, was a tall, steel cage. The cage wasn’t like the rest of the room—polished and clean. It was worn and spattered with blood. I used to love it here. This place instilled in me the passion to fight. This is where my love for Vegas began… back then, though, I only saw this joint at night time. In the middle of the day, all of its appeal didn’t, well, appeal to me.

 

“Here I go,” I breathe, stepping out of the car. The hot Vegas air fills my lungs and I try not to breathe too much of it in. On this side of town, there’s only so much piss-filled air you can ingest before you throw up all over the sidewalk.

 

As I approach the steps of the establishment, I hear shouting coming from the alley adjacent to the bar and I don’t need to look to know who it is. There’s only one angry man walking around Vegas at this time—the rest are still asleep. I break into a quick jog and sure enough, I see Jackson, drunk and shirtless, trying to take on two of Lucky’s security guards.

 

“Jackson, you’re drunk. Go home.” the taller one orders, turning his back.

 

“Fight me, you pussies!” he demands, spitting onto the gray gravel beside him.

 

The second guard barely flinches. He’s relaxed, not threatened in the slightest by Jackson’s show of aggression. Instead of acting on Jackson’s drunken demand, the guard throws his shirt at him. “Come back when you’re sober, man.”

 

They disappear back inside, leaving Jackson outside on his own. He growls ferociously before cocking his hand back, turning and letting it fly into the concrete wall.

 

“Shit!” He shakes his hand and flexes his fingers. “Fuck! Fuck you!”

 

Blood flows from his knuckles, dripping onto the colorless stones. I step forward and my shoes scuff on the gravel. Cradling his hand to his chest and smearing it with blood, he snaps his head in my direction.

 

“What the hell are you doing here?”

 

Well… I guess someone isn’t in the mood to see me. His aggressive tone doesn’t affect me. I let it roll right off my squared shoulders.

 

“I’ve come to talk.” I stuff my hands into the pockets of my jeans.

 

Jackson snorts and unknowingly begins to pace. “You’re shit out of luck. I’m not in the talking mood.”

 

“You never are.”

 

Silence falls as he wraps his hand in his black tee. “Let me guess. You’re here because Olivia doesn’t forgive you and you want me to make it better?”

 

I clench my jaw and then relax it. “I don’t need you to do anything. I can handle Olivia. I’m here because—”

 

“—because Selena’s upset I yelled at her and she called you in to save the day.”

 

“No, I’m here—”

 

“Because you—”

 

“Will you shut up and let me finish?” I snap.

 

“No, you shut up!” He shakes his head, taking a hostile step forward. “I’m done hearing you talk. I’m done always coming second to you!”

 

He marches forward until he’s right in my face. I want to hit him. I want to punch him square in the eyes and kick start his brain. He smells of whiskey and cigarettes—not on his breath, but on his skin. “Why’d you come looking for me? To talk about today? To talk about what you did?”

 

I frown. “What I did?” I have to think hard, then it hits me. Ohh, he’s talking about Selena. “That didn’t mean anything, Jacks. It was all part of a plan—an act.”

 

“And the second time? When you grabbed her like she was yours?”

 

I put my hands on my hips, realizing what this whole childish act is about. He didn’t like the way I put my hands on ‘his’ woman. In my defense, she isn’t his. “I think you’re blowing this way out of proportion.”

 

Minutely, he shakes his head. “Blowing it out of proportion? That’s awfully rich, coming from you, asshole. Just the other morning you made me switch seats when Olivia rested her legs on me.”

 

“So? At least everyone knows she’s mine. At least I make it clear to her that she belongs to me. You can’t claim something you don’t truly want the minute someone else touches it. What are you, seven?”

 

He steps back, his face pinching into a violent scowl. “You know what I want? I want to hit you.”

 

I smirk. That’s the difference between Jackson and I. He threatens, I follow through. If that was him kissing Olivia, I’d have destroyed him at the Aria. “Do it, if it’ll make you feel better, but you wanna hope you can outrun me.”

 

On a heavy exhale, Jackson runs his shirt over his face, collecting drunken sweat. “Why did you find me?” His tone is even and calm. I savor the moment because the second I tell him about Olivia, he’s going to lose his mind. “I get the feeling it’s not to save me from myself.”

 

I shrug. “You know I let you handle your own shit. It’s too complicated for me.”

 

He scoffs, taking another step back, but never dropping his slack, intense eyes from mine.

 

“Olivia is pregnant.” Like I expected, the air grows tense again. “I’m going to be a dad, Jacks.”

 

The bright sun above illumines his skin, making it seem extra pale—even green—between his myriad of tattoos. “That’s why you came out here? To pass on your ‘good’ news while I’m drowning in my own fucking problems?”

 

Fucking hell. I lift my hand and pinch the bridge of my nose. There’s no reasoning with a drunken Jackson. No matter what I say to him, he’ll flip it on me, dragging me into his shit and making everything my fault.

 

“Why does my happiness piss you off so much?” I ask. Fuck beating around the bush.

 

“Why?” he repeats, shouting. “C’mon, Seth, you said it yourself. You have everything that I wanted and you claimed you never did. I wanted the fighting career, the good wife, the big house—a family—I wanted a family.”

 

He stumbles as he takes another step back and I inch forward, but he thrusts his hands at me, warning me off. When he straightens, he begins to pace, back and forth.

 

“You can still have those things.”

 

“I’m not like you!” he snaps. I take in his scrunched face and dark eyes. “I can’t fight publicly. When I fight, it reminds me of Amelia and I can’t break apart in front of thousands of people. I sure as shit can’t have a relationship like you because I’m fucked. I’m fucked from head to toe and there’s no redemption for me!” I watch as he stalks toward Lucky’s and slumps against its dirty wall, defeated. “I’m going to be stuck here.” He gestures to the bar. “Fighting in illegal establishments and hooking up with random girls. I’m going to die alone. No one can love me like Olivia loves you—I don’t deserve that kind of love.”

 

I shift my weight onto my left leg. “Selena lov-”

 

“—Selena loves what I do to her.” He rakes his teeth over his bottom lip repeatedly before speaking again. “She wants to change me… but even I know if you’re deeply in love with someone, you love them for all that they are, not what they could be.”

 

Easy fix. “So leave Selena and find someone else.”

 

Jackson’s shoulders pull in and he sags, putting an unnatural curve in his spine. “I can’t leave her…”

 

“Out of moral obligation?”

 

“Out of desire!” He straightens his back and squares his shoulders. “Out of possession and lust. I’m stuck to her, like a grenade strapped to her hip. I can’t bring myself to leave, even if I tried.”

 

“Because you love her.”

 

He shakes his head and it’s like an etch-a-sketch, all his lines fade away, softening his features. “Because I love what she does to me… because I love the passion she brings out in me. Others see the fire in my eyes and they fear it, but not her, no.” His lips twitch and he drops his stare to his shoes. “She sees the fire and wants to play with it.”

 

Sounds like love. He’s in love. The idiot is in love, but refuses to see it. “Maybe it’s time to stop focusing on what you deserve and more on what you have,” I say… and I’m not sure if it’s for him or me.

 

I don’t know how long I stand there watching him in silence, but after the first ten minutes it’s clear our conversation is finished. Regardless, I stay a little while longer to show him that I’m here for him. It’s the least I can do considering I’m the reason he’s spiraling out of control. When the sun becomes too hot to handle, I walk away.

 

“You’re going to quit fighting, aren’t you?” Jackson calls out, forcing me to stop and turn around. It doesn’t sound like a question… more of an ‘I know you are’ kind of statement.

 

I nod, squinting away from the sun. “Yeah, I am.”

 

I made promises to Olivia that I have to keep—that I want to keep. I made promises to myself, too. I’m going to be the parent my father never was. My home is going to be happy and warm, not cold and sterile.

 

Jackson keeps his eyes on his shoes. “Congrats, man,” he mutters.

 

I let one side of my lips pull into a semi-smile and turn around. That’s the best I’m going to get out of him and I’ll take it.

 

Quickly, I make my way to my car and get in. After I turn my key in the ignition, I pause. If Don is going to be my last fight, I have to win it. I will not quit on a loss… my pride won’t let me. If I’m going to win, I need to keep a clear head… which means I have to hold off on telling Olivia what happened at the Aria casino today. I rake my fingers through my hair. I don’t want guilt to weigh on me if she leaves. I know it’s not right and I know it’s messed up. I don’t like keeping things from her, but once this is over I’ll spend the rest of my life making it up to her, treating her like the queen I promised her father and her brother.

 

I swear it.