“You’re afraid of the other side of the coin.”

“Oh, I’m not afraid,” I say. “That’s what terrifies me.”

“Let’s concentrate on the bright side first,” Dad says. “Ashley is the object of your love, I take it?”

I nod. “Ridiculous, I know. I’ve barely known her for a couple of weeks.”

“Does she know how you feel?”

“No. I’ve been… I haven’t been the nicest to her.”

He laughs. My father fucking laughs! But it’s a different kind of laugh. He’s not making fun of me. He’s… Is he understanding me?

“What the hell is funny about this?” I finally say.

“Nothing. Nothing at all. I just see so much of myself in you.” He shakes his head. “We may not share blood, but you’re the most like me of all four of my children. Somehow, I’ve always known this. Now do you see why I had to adopt you and your brother? I had to give you what no one else could.”

The love a son can feel only for a father overwhelms me in that moment. I’ll never be able to repay this man. I can’t even try. The beauty is he doesn’t expect it. Doesn’t want it. He only wants my happiness. Mine and my brother’s and sisters’.

Questions for my father are jumbled in my mind. How did you get through this? How did you make a relationship work? How? How? How?

But I don’t ask them. I’m not sure his answer would help anyway. He and I are two different people.

“Something you need to realize,” he continues, “is that your mother made the same commitment to you that I did.”

“I know that.”

“But you’ve never felt close to her.”

I sigh. “It’s not the way I want it. We’re just…different, I guess. Aunt Mel says it’s okay. You’ve told me it’s okay.”

“It is. Even your mother has accepted it now.”

“I’m sorry I was hard on her. You’re right. I owe her as much as I owe you.”

“You owe neither of us anything. I just wanted to make sure you understood that it wasn’t just me. If your mother hadn’t been all in with the idea of adopting you and Donny, I wouldn’t have pushed it.”

My eyes widen.

“Don’t get me wrong,” he goes on. “I wanted you two more than anything. But marriage is a two-way street. I couldn’t have given you what you needed without Jade’s full support.”

“I never doubted her love for me.”

“No, I don’t think you have. She has doubted your love for her, though. She doesn’t anymore. Jade was young, only twenty-five, when we took you boys in. She was still a child herself in some ways. Sure, she was ready to have an infant, but maybe not quite ready to have a troubled ten-year-old.”

I sigh. “I know, Dad. I’ve been over and over this in my own mind. Believe me.”

“I believe you have. Your mother rose to the occasion. She has a strength inside her that is tougher than anything. In her way, she’s stronger than I am.”

I lift my eyebrows. “I find that difficult to believe.”

“I don’t think you’ve ever really seen the truth of who your mother actually is. She’s brilliant.”

“I know that.”

“Do you? The two of you don’t click, and that’s not the fault of either of you. It happens with parents and children sometimes. I’m not asking that you change your relationship with her. Just look beyond what you know of her. See what’s inside.”

“And then…” My mind whirls. “And then I’ll understand why you love her so much. Which will…”

Dad’s dark eyes light up. “You read me better than I read myself sometimes, Dale. You’re right. It will help you understand your love for Ashley.”

I scoff. “It’s incomprehensible.”

“Is it? She’s beautiful. Brilliant. A lot like your mother in many ways.”

“She’s nothing like Mom.”

“Not in looks, no. But think about who she is inside. Understand why I was so drawn to your mother, and you’ll understand better why you’re drawn to Ashley.”

“It’s completely different. Mom was… Well, she’d been left at the altar.”

“True. Which made her resistant to another relationship so soon.”

“Then how…?”

“It was a bumpy ride at first. But the heart wants what the heart wants, Dale. There’s not a lot of rhyme and reason to it in the beginning sometimes. If you dig deeper, you’ll see that the heart and head can be in agreement.”

I shake my head. “I hardly know Ashley.”

“You know her better than you think you do.”

“How can you say that?”

“Because you’re very stingy with your affection, Dale, but you’re giving it to her. Somewhere inside you, you know she’s worth it.”

I rub at my temples, trying to soothe the headache that erupts whenever I try to make sense of my emotions. “I’m still being stingy with my affection. And damn, it’s difficult with her. I want to give her everything.”

“What’s stopping you?”

The monster inside me. The chaos. The ride into hell.

But I don’t say any of this to my father. Instead, “What do I do now?”

“My best advice?” He smiles. “Don’t fuck it up.”

My father, as usual, doesn’t mince words, but it’s advice I fear I won’t be able to heed. I don’t know how to love Ashley. Not the way she wants me to.

And what I want from her… She won’t know how to give her love to someone like me.

The buzz of my phone interrupts my thoughts. It’s a group text from Brock.

Dad and I are heading into town for a drink at Murphy’s. Anyone want to join?

Dad glances at his phone, presumably at the same text.

“I could use a cold one.” He points to his eye. “You up for it?”

Given that Ashley is no doubt out with Brendan Murphy this very minute, I’m up for it.

“Absolutely.” I shove my phone back into my pocket after texting that Dad and I will join. “Let’s go.”

Chapter Nineteen