***

It’s almost a full hour later before the opponents are called into the cage. I’ve sat through girls in skimpy bikinis holding up advertising signs, commentators giving their predictions on the fight, and Max and Vinny have each downed three hot dogs. Lily and Joe try to get me to have a beer with them. I know they’re trying to help, get me to relax a little. But I’m aware of the effect alcohol has on my emotional state and I’m way too afraid to lose any control. I’m about to watch the man I’m crazy about do things that I’m nervous will dredge up bad memories. Memories I can’t allow myself to associate with Nico Hunter.

***

“Ladies and Gentlemen, in the red corner, standing six-foot-three-inches tall, weighing in at two hundred and twenty-one pounds, he is the former heavyweight champion, he needs no introduction to the ladies…I give you Nico ‘The Laaaaaaaadddyy Killlllllllllllllllller’ Hunter.” The crowd goes crazy, but not half as crazy as Vinny, who is jumping up and down and screaming so loud I can see the veins popping from the sides of his neck. Lily looks at me, then at Vinny, and then back to me and we both laugh, but no one can hear us standing next to Nico’s number one fan.

Nico’s opponent is introduced and he receives only a fraction of the cheers, plus some actually boo for the poor guy. Mostly Vinny and my stepbrother. The announcer goes through a bunch of rules and rattles off some information about disciplines, none of which means much to me. I make a mental note to learn more about the sport and file it away for my next afternoon alone with Google.

The two men turn to make their way to their respective corners and Nico is facing the crowd for the first time since he entered the arena. He is undeniably a feast for the eyes, every woman’s fantasy. He’s tall and gorgeous with a square jaw and eyes the color of jade. And his body, oh his body. I could get lost in the valleys that define his muscles. But I’m not the only one to notice. Women yell and catcall to him like construction workers when a miniskirt passes by in the heat of summer. Nico either doesn’t care or he’s so focused he won’t let outside interference in. I figure he’s probably an expert at drowning out the crowd. But then he turns his head and his eyes find mine instantly through the crowd. And hold. There’s probably ten thousand screaming people in the room, but for a few quick seconds, there’s only me and Nico. He doesn’t smile or acknowledge me outwardly, but he wants to know I’m here. Watching him. Supporting him. And I finally realize, even with my past, there’s no place I’d rather be.

The first round is only five minutes long, but it feels more like five hours. I quickly learn it’s a lot more difficult to watch a fight when it’s someone you care about inside the cage. The gates to the cage close and I take a deep breath, hoping Lily is right and I can exhale in thirty seconds when it’s over.

Nico is holding his own, but it’s definitely not the lopsided fight everyone seems to have expected. The break between rounds is short, but Preach seems to spend the entire time yelling at Nico. Something is off. I can see it in the way Preach yells and Nico tunes him out. It shows on Nico’s brother’s face too.

The two men are back at it after a rest that was too short for me to catch my breath, no less a fighter. There’s less jumping around scathing at each other this time. The blows have started now and I watch as Nico’s opponent lands a strike connecting directly to the left side of his jaw. A real wave of nausea rolls over me and for a second I think I might be physically sick. Nico looks pissed, but takes the hit in stride, without as much as a waiver of his balance. He hits him back and his opponent takes two steps back from the force of the strike, but he remains on his feet. Fall, god damn it, fall.

Eventually Nico forces his opponent to the ground and he’s quickly put on his back with Nico on top of him. His opponent is completely exposed and it looks like Nico has the perfect opportunity to strike. I brace for what it looks like is about to come next to the poor man sprawled out on his back in such a vulnerable position. But then it never comes. A few seconds later his opponent is righting himself again and the two men take to a ground wrestle.

When the round finally ends, I peel my eyes away from the cage long enough to look at Lily. I feel desperate. “Is everything okay? It doesn’t look like the easy fight you thought it would be?”

Lily looks at me and I see a flash of pain in her eyes. She’s upset about the fight, but something in her expression tells me the pain has nothing to do with Nico’s opponent being able to stand longer than everyone predicted. Lily opens her mouth to respond, but then stops and closes it. But Joe chimes in.

“He’s afraid to hurt him. That’s not Nico fighting up there. I’ve seen him strike harder sparring in his gym as a warm up.”

Faster than I can take the enormity of the words that are slowly sinking in, the break is over and the two men meet back in the middle, ready for the final round. It’s only a few seconds into the clock when his opponent strikes hard, hitting Nico with a kick to the ribs that looks like it could leave a few broken in its wake. Again, Nico doesn’t flounder, he stands his ground. But something else happens, I see it in his face. He’s pissed. Really pissed.

His response is to lunge at his opponent, taking him to the mat in one powerful takedown. Nico moves fast, and within seconds he has him in some convoluted hold that looks like if the guy moves a fraction of an inch, his arm will snap in two. Nico twists his body once to add pressure and the guy taps his hand against the mat, conceding the fight.

The crowd roars, some of the women are standing on their seats and waving banners telling Nico they love him. I’m elated that it’s over, but somehow I can’t find it inside of me to cheer. I know I should celebrate, he’s won, but it doesn’t feel like victory. After taking in the crowd, I turn to see Lily and Joe aren’t celebrating either.

The announcer holds up Nico’s hand, declaring him the winner, and I catch my first glimpse of him. He’s not smiling either. His face is blank, devoid of any emotion and it sends a shiver down my spine. I notice he doesn’t look my way, not even on his way out when he passes right by our row. It’s the first time the shiver I get from Nico Hunter isn’t welcomed.

Chapter 32

Elle

Max is excited to go back to see Nico after the fight. He’s invited Vinny and the two of them are reenacting the fight, throwing air punches at each other as we make our way to the hall of the arena. There are more fights going on after Nico’s, but I don’t want to stay to watch them and the boys are anxious to see their role model anyway.

We show our backstage pass to the security guard, who looks like he should be in the cage instead of checking IDs. The boys are brimming with pride that we have backstage access and they wear their tags around their necks proudly. We follow the directions the security guard gave us down a flight of stairs and a series of long hallways. We’re underneath the building and there is a bevy of fighters, trainers, and advertising people milling around. There’s also more than a few groupie-looking-type women, each has less clothes on than the next. Vinny seems to recognize all the fighters and recites their statistics as they pass. The kid is a walking encyclopedia on the who’s who in MMA fighting.

Eventually Room 153 comes into sight, where we were told Nico would be. The door is ajar and there’s loud voices coming from its direction. As we get closer, I recognize the loud voice is Preach and he’s not just speaking loudly, he’s screaming like a madman.

“I thought we were past this shit! You told me you were ready. You’re not f**king ready. I got your body ready, but only you know what’s in that thick skull of yours…”

I’m stopped outside the door listening, basically eavesdropping when I remember the boys are hearing it all too. “You two.” I rummage in my purse and pull out a twenty-dollar bill. “Go back up and buy some pretzels and watch the next fight. Come back when it’s over.” Max starts to respond and complain and I hit him with the big sister death stare and point a finger back in the direction we just came from. “Now.”

Vinny nudges my stepbrother, “Come on man,” and the two begrudgingly turn to leave. Vinny’s a smart kid, he quickly knows which battles to fight and which he will never win. He’ll do okay in life.

Now that I’ve sent the boys away, I’m not sure what to do. Preach is still yelling and I haven’t heard Nico say one word yet. Part of me feels like I shouldn’t interrupt, but another part of me has the urge to go in and protect Nico. I knew something was off, but he won damn it, he doesn’t deserve to be treated like this. The lioness in me wins out and I knock on the door once and then enter the room without waiting for a response.

Nico is sitting on a bench with his head in his hands looking down. His posture reminds me of a child that’s getting scolded. It’s defeated and disappointed. He doesn’t look up when I enter, but Preach quiets momentarily and turns to me.

“Maybe you can talk some sense into his thick skull.” Preach throws the towel he was holding on the floor and stalks out of the room, slamming the door as the exclamation point to end his final departing rant.

I wait a few seconds, long seconds where I actually hear the clock on the wall ticking behind me, but Nico still doesn’t acknowledge me. He hasn’t moved. So I take a deep breath and walk to him, stopping in front of the bench where he sits. I slowly reach down and put my hands on his shoulders. I’m unsure of what to say, but I want to comfort him somehow.

Gently, I glide my fingers back and forth over his warm skin in what I hope is a soothing motion. His shoulders untense slightly at my touch. “Are you okay?” My words are barely above a whisper.

Nico shakes his head. No.

“Are you physically hurt? Can I get you anything?”

Again, only a headshake no in response.

“Do you want to talk about it?”

Yet another shake of the head.

I stand there for a few more minutes, quietly, my hands on his shoulders and him with his head still bowed. It’s the longest I’ve been near him without him touching me. He’s right in front of me, but he’s light years away. I want to help him so badly, need to make him feel better. But he still hasn’t looked at me or spoken. I kneel down in front of him and fold my hands around his clasped ones and look up at his face. I’m so close, he can’t avoid me anymore. He tilts his head up slightly and his eyes lift to mine. What I find looking back at me breaks my heart into a million little pieces. My normally strong, confident man’s eyes are filled with unshed tears and he looks…broken. Scared. Sad. His face is filled with anguish as he looks at me. He still doesn’t speak, but his eyes say it all.

I hear voices from the door and then there’s a knock before Vinny and Max enter the room. I turn away for a split second to look at the boys and when I turn back to Nico the emotion on his face is gone. Replaced by a stony façade that I’ve never seen before.

“Get the boys out of here.” A stern voice I don’t expect to hear commands, taking me by surprise. It’s cold and distant and it startles me to hear such a tone in Nico’s voice. So much so that I look up at his face with my brow furrowed, confused, as if the words he just spoke were foreign. But if his intentions weren’t clear the first time he speaks, there’s no mistaking them the second. “Go home, Elle.”

***

It takes me hours to fall asleep and when I finally do, I toss and turn all night restlessly. I can’t get the look on Nico’s face, when I kneeled before him, out of my head. It’s one I’m all too familiar with. Sorrow. Shame. Self-loathing. That moment comes back to haunt you when you least expect it. Just when you think you’ve finally found a way to bury it somewhere deep inside yourself, it rears its ugly head and then you’re back to square one. Back to relive the pain. The regret. The guilt. And the healing has to start all over again.