Author: Lisa De Jong

“Well, I should probably get going. I have to go play bridge, but I’m thinking about making a change to bingo. I’m getting tired of all the politics that go on in my bridge club,” she says, standing next to the table.

She reaches into her purse, but I stop her by placing my hand in the air. “I got this one. Besides, you didn’t even touch your cinnamon roll.”

“Yeah, those aren’t that good either,” she replies, scrunching her nose up as she looks at the untouched roll.

“You don’t have to keep coming in here if you don’t like the food.”

“As long as I get to see you, I’ll keep coming in,” she says, running her thumb across my cheek. “Take care, sweet girl.”

For several minutes after she leaves, I stare at Asher’s handwriting. Even though he’s not here, he’s still the most amazing person I’ve ever known. He always seems to know what I need, even when he isn’t here.

As I stand up, I notice my mom standing in the corner with her hand over her chest. Her forehead wrinkles as she watches me and as soon as she sees me moving, she motions to the kitchen before disappearing behind the door.

My knees feel so weak from everything that I have a hard time just putting one foot in front of the other. The diner is still pretty empty, but any minute now it will start filling up with the lunch crowd, and I don’t want to have any part in that.

I thought I was ready, but I’ve been knocked on my ass again.

My mom pulls me into her arms as soon as I walk into the kitchen. “Are you okay? What did Ms. Carter say?”

I press my cheek to her shoulder, breathing in her familiar perfume. “Asher left her these to give me,” I reply, holding up the baggie.

“Oh my god,” she whispers, resting her head on top of mine.

I stand blanketed in the warmth her body provides. This doesn’t feel like it should be my life.

Pulling back, I force her to loosen her grip. “Will you guys be okay if I go home? I need to be alone.”

She lovingly brushes the hair away from my eyes with her fingers, “Are you sure you should be alone right now?”

“Please,” I plead, anxious to get home and read through more of Asher’s notes.

Her thumbs run along my cheekbones before I’m pulled into her arms again. “Go home, but I want you to call me if you need anything. Do you hear me?”

“I’ll be okay,” I whisper.

She lets go of me, rubbing her hand along the back of her neck. “I worry about you.”

I take a few steps toward her and kiss her cheek. “That’s what moms are supposed to do.”

As I take my apron off and walk out of the diner, I can feel her eyes on my back. I hated all those times she was hovering over me when I was younger, but now it means something totally different.

At every stop sign on the way home, I glance down at the bag of notes that sit on the passenger seat. It’s almost like I’m driving somewhere to meet him after not seeing him for a long time. If only I could make all of my perceptions a reality.

When I’m safely in the privacy of my room, I quickly change and crawl under my comforter with the little pieces of Asher I hold in my hand.

I tell myself before reading the first one that I’m only going to read five each day and then when I’ve read them all, I’ll just start again.

My whole body shakes as I pull out the first one, closing my eyes and taking a deep breath before reading.

This one makes a small smile spread across my face. I’ve never considered myself a strong person. In fact, I’ve always seen myself as weak, especially the last couple years. But now, looking at myself through Asher’s eyes, I understand what he sees. It took strength just to remain here.

I pull out the next one, feeling a little more relaxed than I was with the first.

For the first time in weeks, I really, truly laugh. He always had a way of bringing that side out of me.

Any remaining hint of the smile I just had is gone. I have a hard time picturing my own eyes in that way, but he always mentioned when they were shining.

That’s one thing that I don’t know if I’m ready to do without him. One of the memories that will live in the forefront of my mind is when he kissed me in the rain.

Time passes as I lay there letting my emotions pour out of me. It’s tempting to read another note, but I’m not done processing the ones I’ve just read. Asher always knew how to mix some humor into life, and he achieved a perfect balance today.

“Kate,” my mom says, startling me.

Turning my head, I see her standing in my doorway. She came home for me. She walks slowly in my direction, almost like she’s afraid of how I’m going to react, then surprises me by lying down behind me and cradling me next to her body. I’ve messed up so many times. There’s so much heartache that I could have saved myself if I had just opened up to her. It’s always easier to see things more clearly when you’re looking back.

“What’s bothering you? Please talk to me,” she says, running her fingers through my hair.

I remember how much weight was lifted when I told Asher about the one thing that haunts me . . . the one thing that holds me back. I turn around to face her and say the one thing I’ve been scared to say for years.

“I was raped,” I cry.

She stops, and I feel her fingers tremble against my scalp. “What did you just say?”

“A couple years ago, someone raped me. He held me down and raped me.” Sickness coursed through my veins as I relive the whole thing for her. I leave out a few of the details, but in the end when the big secret is washed away, I feel better. One more brick has been lifted from my chest.

And when I’m done, when the cloud has been lifted, she grips me tight against her chest and cries with me. I’ve thought about this day over and over again, and now that it’s done, I regret not doing it sooner.

She’s showing me love. Sweet, selfless, undying love.

I love her fifty million times to the moon and back.

“It’s not your fault,” she murmurs.

“I know that now.”

Chapter 28

Three Months Later—May 2013

I’VE NEVER BEEN MORE EXCITED to see winter melt away than I was this particular spring. I’m taking it one day at a time. I’ve learned that I can’t bury the past away; it just makes it worse.

The day I lost Asher is still hard to think about, but I do allow myself to go there from time to time. That’s another reason I welcome spring . . . I can lie outside and look at the stars. Every time I do, it feels like he’s lying right beside me. If I let my mind go, I can feel him holding my hand, and sometimes I think I feel his fingers brushing through my hair.

I miss him.

The last one hundred and six days I’ve thought about him one hundred and six times. I’ve read all his notes at least ten times over, re-reading some of my favorites every day. I don’t know if that’ll ever get old.

I crawl onto the middle of Beau’s old trampoline, stopping in the center to glance up at the clear night sky. It’s so much better than the turtle I’ve been lighting in my room night after night. It reminds me of the campfire Asher and I had last fall. I can almost taste the chocolate and marshmallow stuck on his lips. If I close my eyes, the whole night replays like a film, taking me back to a happier time.

After living a few minutes in sweet memories, I hear a familiar sound in the distance. One I haven’t heard in months. The one I’ve wanted to hear every day since he left for college.

I stay still, waiting to hear the door of his truck squeak. Once it does, it’s so tempting to get up and run over and jump into his arms, but it doesn’t feel like they’re waiting for me anymore. It feels like I’ve lost that privilege.

Two guys.

Two loves.

Both gone.

I pushed one away and lost the other forever.

Regret fills me. Sadness consumes me.

I bite my lower lip when I hear him slam his door shut and wait silently to hear the sound of his front screen door closing, but it doesn’t. Taking a deep, pained breath and closing my eyes, I listen to the sound of shoes rustling in the grass. After many loud, thumping heartbeats, I open them again to see him standing at my feet, watching me silently.

The moonlight reflects on his skin, reminding me just how beautiful he is. Even without the light, I know what’s inside of him, and that’s the best part. He’s the complete package.

“What are you doing out here by yourself?” he asks with the deep husky voice I’ve missed so much. I used to spend nights replaying how it sounded when he said my name.

“Looking at the stars,” I reply, feeling a thickness in my throat. “What are you doing home?”

“I took my last test earlier and I was pretty anxious to get out of the dorms,” he says, running his fingers through his brown hair. It’s grown out again from the last time I saw him at the funeral. “Can I join you?”

His voice is unsure, but I’m not. I’ve missed him.

“I thought you’d never ask,” I joke, patting the space next to me.

“I’m sorry I haven’t called. Things have been crazy,” Beau says as he settles in beside me.

“It’s okay.”

“What have you been up to?” he asks, tucking his hands behind his head.

Sadness floods my chest as I think of all the times I wanted to call Beau, but couldn’t gather the courage. I swallow, trying to get a grip on my emotions. I’ve tried to be better at not holding things in and keeping them to myself, but this was really the only exception.

“Working and reading mostly. I’m thinking about throwing something else in the mix soon.”

He laughs, and I feel his hand brush against mine. The tingle it sends running down my back is confusing, so I push it back not wanting to feel something that can never be. I’m not ready to deal with those emotions yet.

“There’s always school. You’re too smart to stay here.”