Author: Nyrae Dawn

"Don't tell me you're getting cold feet now. This is New York. You'll be out there with your girl and all that." This is always the way we've worked. I know out of anyone in the world, Sebastian would be the first one at my back, but we don't do that emotional stuff real often. One of us is always down to lighten the mood.

"Hell no. You know it's not that. It's just...We're, like, grown and shit now. I mean, our parents are helping with the apartments, but we're driving across the country by ourselves. Going to college. We have to find jobs. It's just...crazy."

His words hit me in the stomach because I won't be there. I was always supposed to be there. "It'll work out. You guys will love it." I push to my feet, feeling the pockets in my baggy shorts to make sure I have my wallet and the cell phone Courtney helped me get. I didn't want her help, but she said there's no way she'd let us drive across the country unless each of her boys had a phone. It makes me feel guilty.

"It won't be the same without you." Sebastian looks over at me. There's no joking in his face. It makes me want to get out of this room.

"Don't get all soft on me, Bastian. At least you won't have to worry about having a guy who's better looking than you around."

"First of all, you're nuts. I'm way hotter than you. And second, I'm being serious, man. We're like, Batman and Robin. Scooby and Shaggy. Actually, none of those duos have shit on us. We're Sebastian and Jaden. Who am I going to get to help me watch the girls? I mean, who else could pull off that ‘I'm Sexy and I Know It,' dance, but us?"

He won't ask me to go. I know that, but this is almost as bad. It feels like crap, which is exactly the reason we don't usually do this mushy stuff. "You'll figure it out. Nothing holds Sebastian Hawkins down."

The look on his face tells me that's not what he wanted me to say. "Well, obviously. Not the same, though. Jay... What's going on with your parents? Don't let their shit get you down."

My head drops back and I groan. "This is all me, B, okay? It's just something I gotta do."

He shakes his head, but then he pushes to his feet. "Whatever. Then let's make a pact, right here. Let go of all that other shit on this trip. Your parents, you and Pris, and let's make this the most kick-ass road trip in history. Just like graduation, we're not getting out of here without doing it in style."

I hold out my fist and he hits it with his. "We're going to own this trip."

***

I'm leaning against Sebastian's Explorer while he says goodbye to his mom. Courtney's sobbing all over the place just like Aspen's parents are doing with her.

"You have the itinerary?" Courtney asks Sebastian.

"Yeah, Ma."

"And you know where you're staying every night, right?"

"Yeah, Ma."

"And you know you're supposed to call at least twice a day, remember. Once in the morning and once in the evening."

Sebastian doesn't answer, but pulls her into a hug. They're like that for an eternity before he pulls away and looks at Roger. "Take care of her, man. Remember, I'm only a phone call away. You hurt her, I'll—"

"You're a good son, Sebastian. I promise, I'll be good to her," Roger tells him before they shake hands.

The next thing I know, Courtney is standing in front of me. "I can't believe you boys are leaving me."

I try to smile at her, but I'm not sure I pull it off.

"I've known you since you were five years-old, Jaden. I want you to know, you'll always be a son to me."

I can't help but compare her words to my mom's when she asked me to leave. I look toward the ground, about to try to say something stupid, but she grabs my face, so I'm looking at her. "I'm serious,. Always, okay? You ever need anything, you get on that phone and call me. There is nothing I wouldn't do for you."

Her tight hug nearly takes the wind right out of me. I lean into it because, I might sound like a pussy, it feels good.

"I love you , kiddo,” she whispers in my ear.

I swallow the golf ball in my throat. "Yeah... I love you too."

***

The car is silent as we pull away. Aspen will see her parents in a few weeks when they come out, but I'm not sure about the rest of them. Pris's parents are always going somewhere so I'm sure she'll see them a lot, too, but you can tell, it's still a big deal.

Sebastian is driving and Aspen's up front with him. Priscilla is stiff, sitting as far away from me as she can. She's got on a pair of shorts. Her legs are killer. Always have been. All curvy and creamy brown. I shift in my seat. Yeah, this is definitely going to be a long trip.

"You okay?" I ask her. Her only reply is a nod.

The quiet thing is going to make things even worse.

After about forty-five minutes into our drive through Southern Oregon, Sebastian pipes up. "Okay, this drive is way too low key. We're free. Do you guys realize how cool that is?"

"I'm sure you'll inform us," Aspen says and that's all it takes for the two of them to get going.

I look over at Pris to make commentary about them, but it's like she's on the other side of the continent or something. Yeah, this is my fault and I get it, but I hate it, too. I want to tell her something, find a way to pull her back to me so we can be like we always have been—the four of us, but is that an asshole thing to do since things aren't the way they used to be? I don't know.

"Let's do something. Who wants to play I Spy?" Sebastian asks.

I thump him in the back of the head. "Are you five?"

"I don't see you throwing out any suggestions so stop trying to ruin my fun."

"Okay then, what about the fact that once you see something, we're past it? How are the rest of us every supposed to guess?"

"He has a point there, Bastian," Aspen says. This is where Pris would usually have something to say, too. She's good at those smart comments, but she still hasn't said a word.

"Hey, you're supposed to have my side!" Bastian tells her.

Aspen laughs. "Only when you're right."

I nudge Pris's leg. "What do you think we should do?"

"I don't know." Pris pulls out her iPod and puts the buds in her ears. Oh-kay. Guess she really doesn't want to talk to me.

She listens to music while Sebastian, Aspen, and I keep talking. We go through a few CDs, this and that, and she's still being all quiet and I swear it makes me feel like I'm going to explode. I can't stop myself from playing with the piece of paper in my pocket. I've had it with me ever since Mom gave it to me at the graduation. I've looked at it a million times, but haven't done anything about it. What a surprise, huh?

We stop for lunch. Afterward, Bastian and I decide to switch up so I can drive a bit. Pris and Aspen are over by the diner and I can tell Pris is pissed. Whatever's going on she's about to blow her lid, and finally she stomps back over to the SUV, jumps into the front seat and slams the door.

"Shit," I groan, and Sebastian shrugs as if to say he doesn't know what her problem is. I do. It's me. Yeah, I don't even have to say that doesn't feel good.

About fifteen minutes into me driving, Sebastian and Aspen pass out in the back seat. They're all cuddled up together and this is where I'd usually blurt out something stupid to make fun of him. I kind of want to, but it doesn't feel right anymore either because where he's sitting is definitely better than where I am.

"You wanna listen to anything specific?" I ask, flipping through the CD case while I drive. The GPS on the dash is telling me where to go.

"No."

My eyes dart to hers, which makes me sort of run off the road a little. Nothing major.

"Jaden! Watch where you're going!" She rolls her eyes at me.

Take a deep breath. Chill out. I'm trying to remind myself she's not usually like this. That she's still pissed at me because of way too many things to count, but this isn't what I wanted. This isn't the way this trip is supposed to go.

Instead of saying anything, I just keep driving. Eventually she falls asleep and everyone in the dumb car is out cold except for me.

Unfortunately, there's not even anything interesting to look at. The road trip idea is cool and all, but there isn't much to look at along this route we chose. We have some stuff planned for Salt Lake and Chicago, but that's about it.

A soft snore comes out of Pris and I can't stop myself from laughing. I'll definitely have to give her crap about that one. But then I remember I can't. The old Pris and Jaden could have done that. How did things get so screwed up? Oh yeah. Me.

Somehow I feel the weight of the paper in my pocket. Can't stop myself from wondering if I'll ever use it when I know I won't.

After driving for a few hours, I really have to go to the bathroom so I pull into a gas station, pulling up to the pumps.

"Wake up, pretty boy." I throw an empty, balled-up bag of chips at Bastian. "I have to take a piss. I'll pay to fill it up while we're here."

He reaches for his wallet, still looking half asleep. "You don't have to pay. I got it."

Instead of replying, I shake my head and get out of the car. Now I can't even pay for gas? "You want anything, Priscilla?" I'm standing by the driver side door, looking at her. It takes me a minute to realize what I called her. No one ever calls her that, but yeah...it fits her. Different and kind of exotic like her. I let it slip once in a while, but that's it. That's why it pissed me off so much when Craig used the name.

She shakes her head and then scrambles out of the passenger side. By then Aspen is climbing out and they do the typical girl-bathroom thing where they go together and do who knows what in there.

"What's her problem?"

Bastian looks at me like I just asked the dumbest question in the world.

"Seriously. She's the one who wanted me to come and she won't even say a word to me."

Then he shakes his head like he's disappointed in me, which really annoys me because I didn't do anything. I'm just trying to live my life and do what I have to do.

Keep lying to yourself there, Jaden.

"Come on. Let's gas up."

I've gone in, done my business, paid for gas, and bought myself a Cherry Pepsi by the time everyone piles back into the car. Suddenly, I'm wishing I had gotten a snack. Next to me, Pris is eating Cheetos, which she knows I love, and she's licking the cheese off her fingers, which I also love.

Seriously. It might not sound hot, but it is. It might be because it's her. I don't know, but it's hard not to offer her my help. How is it girls can make the smallest things sexy and not even know it? Her nails are painted this bright red that probably looks even brighter because her dark skin. Her tongue sneaks out of her mouth and—

Hooooonk!

"Holy shit!" I jerk the steering wheel as the Explorer veers into the next lane and almost into another car.

"Jaden!" Pris screams.

"Dude! Watch my car!" Sebastian yells from the backseat.

"What was that?" Aspen asks.

I'm pushing my hair out of my eyes like that was the problem when really it was Pris and her tongue. "Nothing. No biggie."

"This is the second time you've almost killed us!" Pris is using that pissed-off voice that she's pretty much speaking with 24/7 now.

"Chill. It was an accident. Nothing happened."

"Whatever." She crosses her arms, putting an end to the show that almost made me wreck.

Aspen reaches up and sort of massages her shoulder like Pris needs support or something. I glance in the rearview mirror and see Bastian shake his head like he's getting frustrated.