Author: Nyrae Dawn

"Can I tell you something?" It's easier that I'm not looking at her as I speak.

"You can tell me anything."

I know. "I want New York. I don't want to go to Texas. I mean...who's the voice of reason if I leave you guys?" How can I leave you?

"Don't pretend to joke, Jay. Not now. And if you want New York, come with us. You deserve to have anything you want. We'll make it work if that's what you really want."

I do. But can I have it?

She takes a few breaths and I know she's working up to something. Priscilla rolls onto her stomach and looks at me. "You know...if you wanted to go see your real dad, I would go with you. It might help. To talk to him."

I shake my head. "It won't." What I really mean is I can't. I can't risk seeing first hand that he doesn't want me either.

Chapter Sixteen

I'm still in shock for several reasons when I wake up the next morning.

I told Priscilla about my family. I haven't talked to anyone about it, ever. None of my best friends. Why not? The world didn't explode. I didn't. I actually might feel better.

And Priscilla. Holy shit. She loves me? Me? And we...

Stupidly, I freeze as though I'm doing something wrong when she stirs next to me. She snored last night, but it didn't matter. She's still the sexiest girl I've ever seen. I let my hand move up and down her back, watching as she gets goose bumps. Watching her dark skin flush.

I love her, too. I've always known it. Even when I didn't want to admit it.

"You're nothing." Mike's words come back, but that can't be true. I can't be nothing if she loves me.

When a knock sounds on the door, I jump out of bed. A condom wrapper crunches beneath my feet. Priscilla doesn't move. Knowing it's Sebastian, I make sure she's covered up before I pull my shorts on.

 I open the door only about three inches, not taking the chance he can see inside. "What's up?" I scratch my head and for some reason he's speechless.

Sebastian is looking at me all wide-eyed and shocked. "Holy shit!"

Holy shit? I push out the door and close it behind me. I have no idea how he knows, but he does.

"Holy shit!" he says again.

"Dude, shut up!"

 He shakes his head. "I'm shutting, I'm shutting, it's just... Holy shit! I'm trippin' out here. You have a hickey on your neck!"

I cover it like that will make him forget about it or something. "Seriously, Sebastian. I'm going to punch you in the mouth if you don't shut it. You better not say anything. I don't want her to be embarrassed."

"I won't. I'm not an idiot." He crosses his arms and I notice he's already dressed. I forgot we're supposed to leave Chicago today, which means it's early and Priscilla and I are behind.

All of a sudden, the shocked look on his face starts to morph into something different. He's serious when he looks at me and says, "If you leave now, you're going to break her heart, Jay. I love you, man, and you're like my brother, but I'll kick your ass if you hurt her."

I roll my eyes. "Whatever."

"I'm not playing around here. You wanted to do the same thing to me when it came to Aspen last year. I screwed up, don't do the same. It will be even worse now."

He's right. I lean against the wall and slide down it. He sits next to me on the floor. My feet are on the ground, my knees up with my arms resting on them and he's the same. "I won't hurt her. I'm gonna," I shrug,"I'm gonna do the New York thing. You have a roommate again." I hit him.

"Oh..."

"Oh? What do you mean, oh?"

"I just... I was going to stay with them. Pris and Aspen figured they could hide me in their place. It's not like Pris's parents will be out there much. I'm sure I could get it past Mom. Or hell, I could just tell her. She's not stupid and she wouldn't have to know Pris's parents would freak."

They're the ones who are fronting most of the money for their apartment. Aspen's parents were helping, but I'm pretty sure it's mostly Priscilla's gig and I'm pretty sure it's expensive too.

"No worries, though. I haven't told Ma yet so we can still get our place."

On the other side of New York.

"I don't want to screw things up if you want to stay with them." Like he doesn't want to live with his girlfriend?

"Shut the hell up." Sebastian holds out his fist. "It wouldn't have been the same without you."

For the first time in a while, I bump it.

***

I hold Pris' hand while we're sitting in the back of the Explorer. Aspen looks back at us about a million times the first couple hours and I can see the questions all over her face. I'm hoping there are answers to them.

I know I love her—but I haven't told her.

I know last night meant a lot to me—which I did tell her.

I know I want to be with her—but I still don't know if I deserve her.

I know I want New York—but I still don't know if I can make it work.

It's not like I've been real careful with my money on this trip. I wasn't planning on needing it for New York anymore. Will I be able to help Bastian with rent? Find a job? I'm scared I won't be able to find one, and I’m also freaked I will. I don't want to be the loser who's not in school when the rest of them are this Fall, but how will I swing that on such short notice, too?

And when she's there...with all those guys who are way better than me and actually making something of themselves, she'll realize even more that I'm nothing.

Priscilla squeezes my hand and drops her head onto my shoulder. "Stop overthinking. I hear the wheels turning over there."

I laugh because what else can I do? This girl knows me better than anyone.

Aspen looks over her shoulder again. Looks at our hands and Priscilla leaning on me and I see all the questions in her eyes. I have a feeling they're in desperate need for some girl time. Which, honestly, scares the Hell out of me. All guys are probably nervous about what is said about them during girl-talk.

But then I look down and see Priscilla smile at her and I wonder if she needs it, too.

"Sebastian, stop at the next gas station, yeah?"

About fifteen minutes later he pulls off the freeway and stops at a gas station. The girls climb out of the car and head straight to the bathroom together.

Sebastian nudges me. "You know they're in there talking about you, right?"

"Yeah, man. Thanks for reminding me."

"Got something to worry about?" He moves out of the way as I swing at him.

"Shut up." As far as comebacks go, it could use some work, but right now it's all I have. "Care if I sit up front with you? Let them do their thing if they need to?"

"Nah, it's cool."

He goes ahead and fills the tank while I run in and grab some munchies. The girls are standing with him when I come out.

"You wanna sit in the back with Aspen?" I lean over and whisper in her ear.

She gives me a huge smile and kisses me. "Yeah, Thanks."

I can't help but wonder what I did to deserve it.

***

"Girls!" Sebastian sings the lyrics to one of his favorite songs.

"Dude, what's White Castle?" Sebastian breaks off our rapping and lets the Beastie Boys continue.

"I think it's like a hamburger place? I don't know."

"Oh my God! Do you guys listen to anything but the Beastie Boys?" Aspen yells from the back seat.

At the same time we answer by singing about girls again.

Priscilla smacks me upside the head.

Aspen puts a knee in the back of Sebastian's seat and all we can do is laugh.

"You're way too young to like them that much." Priscilla rolls her eyes.

"I'm going to pretend you didn't say that."

Sebastian leans forward and presses a button on the CD player to play it again.

My laughter takes me over as Priscilla says from the backseat, "They're not allowed to sit up front together anymore."

The cool part is she sounds just as happy as me.

***

I don't know what makes me do it, but I try to call Mom when we're almost to New York. No one answers. Which shouldn't be a big deal, but for some reason, my gut sinks.

***

I've never seen anything like New York.

Nothing.

I've been to big cities. We just left Chicago, but we all lean forward in our seats as we get into the city. Lights, buildings, people.

"I can't wait to walk around Greenwich Village. I want to hear poetry and drink coffee." Aspen sounds in awe.

"I want to go see a Broadway Play," Priscilla adds. She likes plays, I realize. The one in Chicago, here, and she even dragged us to a couple at our high school.

"I so want to hit Times Square." This from Sebastian.

I'm actually not sure what I want to see or do. Even though I always planned to come out here with them, I wonder if I ever believed it would really happen? If I ever thought I would get a chance to see any of it?

"What about you, Jay? What do you want to do?" Priscilla says into my ear.

"I think I want to do it all."

***

Our first night in New York we head to a hotel. Priscilla is supposed to call the realtor tomorrow so they can meet and get the keys to their apartment. We're all tired, but we're in freaking New York City so there's no way we're staying in tonight.

And since it's a weekend in New York, what better place to hit than Times Square?

Priscilla is in the shower and I just got out a few minutes ago. I have on a pair of blue jeans, my black studded belt, and white t-shirt. As I'm pulling on the white short-sleeve button up to go over it, I hear the blow dryer in the bathroom.

Pulling out my cell, I dial home. It rings a million times and no one answers. Next, I try her cell, but get the voicemail and leave her a message.

Nausea eats at my insides, but I try to ignore it. There's no reason for me to worry. They're probably off doing whatever it is they do. Having fun. Being happy. It's not as if she ever worried how anything affected me before, so why should I stress about her?

The blow dryer turns off and Priscilla steps out of the bathroom.

My mouth immediately goes dry as I take her in. It's nothing different than she would usually wear. A pair of tight jeans. A shirt that dips down in the front and has some tie thing below her breasts, but somehow it's different. Maybe just because we're different.

"Speechless?" She winks at me.

"Absolutely," I reply and then step toward her. I pull her into my arms and kiss her head. "You're gorgeous."

"You don't clean up so bad yourself."

When we pull away, I shove the cell back in my pocket.

"What were you doing?" she asks.

I'm about to tell her nothing. The words almost come out of my mouth without even thinking about it, but it doesn't feel right. Yeah, I'm totally turning over a new leaf or something.

"I tried to call my mom. She didn't answer. Didn't answer earlier either."

"Are you worried?" She hugs me.

I answer as truthfully as I can, "I don't know." I kiss her again.

"I'm sure everything's fine. I mean...he's never done anything, right? I mean—"

I tense. "I know what you mean. No. I wouldn't have left if he ever hit her or called her names or anything." Though that's not really true, is it? He started calling her names at the end. He'd called her a lot of names when he told me he wasn't my dad. No. I'm trippin' out. Overreacting. "I'm sure everything's fine." Her words come out of my mouth his time.