Author: Nyrae Dawn

She doesn't say anything else to me. Priscilla turns around walks back to the Explorer.

We might not be fighting, but for some reason this feels worse. What is it with girls?

***

Sebastian is driving the last couple hours before we get to Chicago. Aspen's up front with him, leaving Priscilla and me in the back.

"Here's your drink?" I hand her the water I got her. She takes it from me and smiles. It's a normal smile, but something feels wrong about it. Something feels wrong about that thought, too. What's wrong with me? Something is wrong with her smile?

Sebastian puts in a CD and we rap and sing along. He makes dumb jokes and I tell him they're dumb and he does the same thing to me.

They laugh and give us shit and it's all normal in a way. Like always, they're my buffer—they quiet Mike's voice in my head and make me feel okay, but somehow it's still not right. I can't stop thinking about how she looked at me and the slump of her shoulders, and the way she keeps looking at me, but turning away when I return her stare.

Like she said, we're not fighting. We're okay, but not at the same time.

When we get to the hotel, Sebastian and Aspen disappear into their own room, and Priscilla and I get two beds again, but all I can think about is sharing with her. Talking to her or kissing her until things aren't off anymore.

It's nuts how I' never kissed her until last night. I mean, obviously I thought about it. She's a gorgeous girl and I'm a guy and she's Priscilla, but now that I've done it, I can't stop thinking about it. I keep thinking of ways I can make it so we have to do it again.

Pris lounges on the bed in her pajamas, watching TV, and I work on the DVD player. I have the thing practically put all the way back together, I've been so in the zone. We've talked a little and she asked me to get her ice so I have no reason to be freaking out like I am right now.

I take another forty-five minutes and the DVD player is together again. "Wanna see if it works?" I ask.

"Sure."

Priscilla scoots over and I sit down on the edge of the bed before leaning over to plug it in. She’s next to me, so close we're touching. Her legs are tucked beneath her and she belongs there, curled up beside me, like we're a couple like Sebastian and Aspen, and I would be free to touch her whenever I wanted.

And I want to.

Touch her, I mean.

I'm praying the dumb thing will work. It's stupid, because honestly, who gives a shit? It's not like it's important or will mean I'm suddenly worthy of anything, but I want to be able to do something.

"Is it gonna work?" I ask just because I need to talk.

"Absolutely. Stop fishing for compliments. Here." She pushes my hand out of the way with hers. "I'll do it."

Before she hits the button, I laugh.

"What?"

"We're acting like this is a huge deal or something. Like it really matters."

Priscilla looks at me—inside me, something. "It is a big deal. Plus, aren't you supposed to be all cocky or something? I'm the man. I can fix anything and then start grunting or whatever?"

I push my hair out of the way so it doesn't block her from my view. "Well, no shit. We all know I'm the man, but no grunting. I'm not down with that."

She smiles and it's a real one. A Priscilla one. "Stop stalling and let me push play."

I hold up my hands and she takes advantage, pushing play. A couple seconds later, the thing comes to life.

"It works!" she says.

"It might not keep working."

She nudges me. "It works now and that's something, Jay."

I have never wanted to kiss her as badly as I do right now. My lips burn. My body aches. But I don't know if I should do anything or not. What am I supposed to do?

"I'm tired. We're getting up early tomorrow. We should go to bed," she says.

We're going to be in Chicago for a few days, but she's right. The girls want to be up early every day for whatever their girl reasons are.

"Okay." I get up, turn the DVD player off, and put it away. Priscilla climbs into bed and once she's there, the blanket all pulled up to her face, I turn the light off. Before climbing into my own bed, I pull off my shirt.

I swear it thirty seconds later I hear her get out of her bed and then my bed dips.

"Scoot over." Priscilla pushes her way into my bed. I have to admit, it's not like she has to push hard. Before I know it, she's under the blanket, her head on my bare chest.

She feels incredible.

And I'm totally confused as to why she just climbed into bed with me. "You were mad at me earlier," I finally say.

When she sighs, I feel her breath brush against my chest. "I wasn't mad at you, Jay. I was... I just wish you'd let me in. I just want you to let me in."

Her words bring an ache to my chest. It hurts and I feel like a piece of crap. Why can't I let her in?

"So you're not mad?" I manage to say, hating the weakness in my voice.

"I'm not mad. I'm..."

And she doesn't even have to say it because I know. She's disappointed, and as far as I'm concerned, disappointment is much worse.

Chapter Twelve

"Why is it every friggin' time we go somewhere, you guys drag us shopping?" Sebastian pouts as we walk to where our trolley will pick us up. Funny, last time we went shopping at the beach, he'd been so busy trying to suck up to her that he didn't complain once.

"Because we're girls and we like to shop and you guys love us so you'll deal with it," Aspen replies to him.

"Absolutely. And you love me so you'll deal with my complaining, too," he adds and then they start making moon eyes or whatever at each other. It's like a cartoon with little heart bubbles floating over their head.

It's ridiculous.

"Save that stuff for somewhere else, okay? I already feel a little woozy," Priscilla says.

"Word," I add, because I want her to know we're on the same page. Which is probably as bad as Sebastian and Aspen, but at least it's in my head.

"You're just jealous 'cause we're the shit," Bastian tosses out and I know it's meant to be a joke, but I’m sort of jealous. Which just makes me feel like a jerk.

"Whatever."

We got these trolley passes so we can get off and on at any stop, to explore whatever we want. The first stop is, of course, shopping because we pretty much let the girls get away with anything.

We get to the stop right as the red trolley pulls up. Sebastian and Aspen jump on and I step out of the way so Priscilla can get on first. I mean, I woke up with her all curled up against me so I figure I should at least be a gentleman. Though I was one last night, too, as much as I wish I hadn't been.

When we climb on, Priscilla and I sit in seats in front of them.

"This is so cool!" Aspen says. "I think I like Chicago better than New York."

"No way. New York is incredible. Remember when we went to check out apartments..."

I block out Priscilla talking to her. Aspen's parents and Courtney and Phil brought Sebastian and Aspen out a few months ago to get things sorted out. Priscilla's parents let her go with Aspen, of course, even though they had realtors who do that stuff for them. And probably did. I never took the time to ask. Sebastian and Courtney tried to get me to go with them since it would be my place too, but I hadn't wanted to blow the money. It's not like my parents would have helped. It's also not as if I would have let Phil and Courtney spot my ticket like they'd wanted to.

So yeah, I'm the only one who hasn't been to New York. I was the only one who didn't make that trip with them. I'm so tired of being that guy.

"So what? We just jump off this thing when we're ready, or what?" Sebastian's comment pulls me back into the conversation.

"What the hell are you talking about, man?" I turn to look at him.

"It's the Hop On, Hop Off tour. So we just jump off, or what?"

I look at Priscilla. We both look at Aspen, then all six eyes from Sebastian before we crack up laughing. My stomach starts to hurt I'm laughing so hard. I really wish I could stop so I can tell him what an idiot he is, but it just keeps going.

"What's so funny?" Sebastian looks back and forth between us.

It makes us laugh harder and then another thought pops into my head. These are my favorite times. Yeah, I know guys aren't supposed to think like that or maybe we're not supposed to say it. Or hell, maybe it's neither and it's just that we don't but none of that matters. What does matter is I'm never as happy as I am with them. I never feel like I can be me—even though I'm not sure I like who that person is, but, yeah, it's going to suck to not be by them. To not laugh at Sebastian or have Aspen do something nice for me or have Priscilla to keep me in line when I need it.

This is my crew. My people. And I hate that I have to leave them.

I hate that I don't think I can make myself stay.

"Do you really think people just jump off a moving trolley whenever they want? I mean, what if they're kids, or old people?" I finally manage to get out between laughs. "I mean, I'm not saying people haven't done it, but you seriously thought that's what it meant?"

"What the hell else is a hop on, hop off ticket?"

Aspen touches his leg. "You're so cute when you're being ridiculous," she says, which makes him pout and the rest of us laugh harder.

Finally when we're able to calm down, Priscilla explains to him that it means we can hop on at any stop or hop off on any stop.

Me? I just sit back and enjoy being happy.

***

We go to Magnificent Mile first, which really is Michigan Avenue. Boulevard. Something like that. The girls definitely think it's magnificent. I'm pretty sure I couldn't afford a hotdog here. We go to clothes stores and shoe stores and even freaking furniture stores as we walk down the eight block money pit.

Sebastian and I hang in the back most of the time, letting them do their thing. We give each other shit and pretend to try on clothes and even get kicked out of one of the stores.

Other times, we sit back and watch them. It's probably not something guys talk about too often, but sometimes we just like to sit back and watch girls. They're so different than us, all soft and smooth and... I don't know, girlie. Yeah, I know it sounds stupid, but seeing her makes me remember what it's like to touch her. I totally want to do it again.

When lunch time comes around the girls want Italian. We find a little place to eat that's out of the way. I offer to buy Priscilla's lunch for her and she lets me without hesitation. I wonder if she knows I need that, or if it's a coincidence. I have a feeling it's the first one. It's crazy how she can realize things I would never be able to tell her.

After lunch we find another trolley stop and ride down to one of the old neighborhoods with all the really cool architecture.

"Wait, wait. Look at this one." I make them stop for the millionth time.

Sebastian elbows me. "I don't get it. It looks like all the rest of them to me."

"Yeah, I guess. It's still cool though." I'm definitely not an expert on the subject, but it's always been interesting how things are put together. I can't stop myself from wondering what lingers behind the walls, how it was planned and built.

"It's gorgeous." Priscilla looks up at the towering building sort of in awe. I don't know if it's for me or if she's really interested, but I'm actually thankful for it and jealous at the same time. I want her to look at me in awe, which is probably one of the dumbest things I've ever thought.

"It's badass. I like how the covers meet together." I get close to her and point as though she doesn't know what I'm talking about.