“Is this how it’s going to be?” His breath hitches as I start to match his rhythm, meeting each shove of his hips with a twist of my own. He lets me participate for a moment, then pins me against the car with a growl. “Every goddam time is better than the last. How the hell am I supposed to walk away from that? From you?”

I can’t answer that. Not only because I’m avoiding any thought of us parting ways, but because he’s filling my body over and over, making it so I can’t think beyond the oncoming release. It’s gathering in my belly, and I welcome it by latching onto Shane’s mouth, knowing his kiss will push me the rest of the way. It’s the extra push he needs, too. As soon as my tongue licks into his mouth, I feel him start to shake. Or maybe that’s me. I don’t know…I can’t tell anymore where I stop and he begins. I’m dragging him closer, he’s plastered to my body, and still, still, he’s too far away.

“Shane,” I sob, my heart feeling paralyzed.

“I know. I know,” he grates against me neck, biting the flesh there and finally sending me spiraling. “Let me have it all. No hiding from me. God, Willa.”

The car no longer exists behind us, we’re just clinging together as we free-fall. Holding one another as something that goes beyond physical response shudders through me and into him. My chest is squeezing so tightly that I’m gasping for air. I don’t know if there’s a name for what I’m feeling, but I know if he lets me go right now, in this moment, I absolutely will not survive it.

We stay that way for long moments, letting our bodies calm, even if there is no chance of calming our minds or thoughts. I’m wrapped around Shane who has gone so still, I’m starting to feel a little alarmed. Just as I start to ask him if he’s all right, he slams a fist onto the roof of the car, then drops his head onto my shoulder.

“Dammit, Willa. I didn’t see you coming.”

He holds my hand on the ride home, but we don’t say a word.

Chapter Twenty-One

Shane is working late tonight, thanks to a bachelor party and a thirty-person pub crawl that stopped crawling once it got to the Claymore. I waited in my room as long as I could, restlessly watching the sky darken, not sure if I should wait for him to get off or go out on my own. While the afternoon on Bull Island had started out incredible, it had left something unsaid hanging in the air between us. I don’t like it, the not knowing. Not having everything on the table. My whole life, I’ve been the queen of avoidance, but secrets between Shane and I stretch and widen with every second that ticks past. Every time we’re together it seems like we’re interminably close, but when I can’t see or touch him, he feels eons away.

Thundering laughter below my feet sends me striding across the room to snatch up my messenger bag. I just have to get out of there and think. No more pacing around in this white-lace room, trying to figure out me and Shane when the answer has been the same since the beginning.

I squeeze through bodies inside the pub, trying to keep my eyes on the door, but they unerringly stray to Shane behind the bar. Dim bar light spilling over his dark hair, he’s nodding absently at the smiling girl who’s shouting to him over the music, but he looks distracted. Like he’s already picturing himself a thousand miles from the smell of alcohol, the sloppiness of the crowds. I think of him today, how his voice had changed when he explained the mechanics of driving manually. He doesn’t belong here, taking orders. He should be giving them. Behind a steering wheel, without a single thing to hold him back.

As if he can sense my specific thoughts in the midst of hundreds, his head snaps up and he’s searching through the crowd. For me? Yes. Our eyes lock with one another’s and the bottle of vodka he’s pouring drops to the bar. He wants to come after me. I can see it. Not that it’s unusual for me to go out this late, to explore Dublin at night. But I understand the look because things are different now, aren’t they? We’ve turned into a couple, even though we weren’t supposed to. Temporarily inseparable. Mustering a smile, I wave to him and keep walking, as if there should be no questions asked about my leaving this late, without him. Really, there shouldn’t be. That’s what I keep telling myself as his eyes burn a hole into my back.

As soon as I’m outside, I take a deep, gulping breath, feeling as though I’ve been underwater for the last two minutes. My feet start moving in the direction of the park, where I know there will still be a healthy crowd even at this time of night. I want to watch other people, witness their expressions and listen to their problems, so I don’t have to think of my own. I need a distraction. I need my sister.

After walking another block, I sit down on a bench across from the Liffey and dig my phone out of my bag. Ginger answers on the second ring.

“Hey.”

“Hey, yourself.”

I close my eyes, the comfort of her voice wrapping me up like a flannel blanket. “How’s my niece? Is she cursing like a sailor yet?”

“Not an f-bomb to speak of. Truth be told, we’re starting to get worried.”

My mouth twitches. “Aw, you know us Peet girls. All in our own time.”

We’re silent for a moment, and I can hear someone singing softly in the background, presumably to Dolly. When I realize its Derek, my throat closes up. I miss them so much. I know if they were standing in front of me, they would read me like a book. They would know the right words to say, or at the very least, Ginger would feed me chicken pot pie. But they can’t fix this situation with Shane for me. I’m an adult now, I went into it with my eyes open, and I have to take the inevitable pain that comes along with it.

“You going to tell me what’s wrong, or am I supposed to guess?”

Ginger’s astuteness surprises a laugh out of me. I thought I’d been doing a decent job of sounding normal. “What’s wrong, your crystal ball is in the shop?” She says nothing and I sigh. “It’s no one.” I cringe. “I mean, it’s nothing.”

“Uh-huh. Does this no one have a penis?”

“You kiss your baby with that mouth?”

“Hmm.”

I slouch back against the bench. “Yeah, no one has a penis.”

“Now that would be a crying shame.”

I don’t need a crystal ball to know we’re both smiling, but mine eventually fades. She’s just waiting on the other end for me to talk. Dammit, I love her for that. No pressure, just patience. She hasn’t brought up Evan, or the breakup I’d taken so hard. Hasn’t asked how I’m feeling or what I’ve learned on my trip. It makes me want to tell her everything. I suspect she knows that, too. She might be patient, but my sister is no dummy. “Ginger, that first week when you met Derek…could you have walked away?”