“Kate and I—”

“Shut up! When I think about how she looked when she got here . . . What makes you think you can just waltz back into her life, after the things you said to her? After what you did!”

Drew keeps his mouth closed.

And my mother yells, “Well, don’t just stand there! Answer me!”

I’ve always thought of my mother as calm in the face of chaos.

Rational. That image is now totally blown.

Drew opens his mouth, but nothing comes out. Instead, he turns his baffled eyes to me. And I come to the rescue. “Mom, it was all a horrible mistake. Drew didn’t know about the baby.”

“You said you told him about the baby—and his reaction was to hire to a cheap stripper!”

And my newly retitled boyfriend thinks it’s a good idea to point out, “She wasn’t cheap, believe me.”

I dig my fingernails into his palm to shut him up.

Then I explain to my mom, “No, he didn’t know. he thought I was talking about something else. It was a misunderstanding.”

Dee Dee interjects, “Now there’s a song I’ve heard before. That tune’s starting to get real old.”

I roll my eyes. “Not now, Dee.”

My mother folds her arms and taps her foot. “I won’t have him under my roof, Katherine. he’s not welcome here.”

And this is why you should never complain to your family about your significant other. They don’t know him like you do, and they sure as hell don’t love him like you do. So they will never— ever—forgive him like you will.

Even though I can see where my mom is coming from, I’ve kind of got a lot on my plate at the moment. And she’s really not helping the situation.

“If that’s the case, then I won’t be staying here either.”

My mom looks shocked and her arms drop to her sides.

And Delores says, “hey, Moron—” Drew looks her way.

“Yes, you. This is the part where you’re supposed to say you don’t want to come between Katie and her mother. That you’ll go stay at a hotel.”

Drew snorts. “Guess I’m not that chivalrous. I’m staying with Kate. Where she goes, I go.”

Dee smirks. “Aww, it’s like Jack and Rose on the Titanic.” She raises her hand. “Who else is hoping Douche Bag ends up the same way Jack did?”

I ignore her and stay focused on my mother. Whose voice turns imploring. “It’s been an emotional day, Katie. You need space, distance, so you can think clearly.”

I shake my head. “No, Mom. I’ve had all the distance I can stand. Drew wants this baby. he loves me. We need to talk, to work things out.” I glance at Dee Dee. “Without audience partici-pation.”

Then I turn back to my mother. “And this wasn’t all his fault.

I made mistakes too.”

Like many mothers, mine is hesitant to acknowledge her child’s shortcomings. “Is that what he told you? That this is your fault?”

“No, it’s what I know. Part of this is my fault, Mom.” I sigh.

“Maybe it’d be best for everyone if Drew and I do go to a hotel.”

Stubbornness is apparently hereditary, because then she says, “No. I don’t want you at a hotel. If you want him to stay, then I won’t object. But I don’t like it.” She glares at Drew. “You just keep away from me, if you know what’s good for you.”

Then she stomps out of the room.

George stands up. “I should go talk to her.” Before he leaves, he turns to Drew and holds out his hand. “Glad to see you, son.”

Drew releases my hand to shake George’s, which morphs into a back-slapping man-hug. “Good to know someone is, George.”

George smiles and follows after my mother.

Then Billy stands up in front of us.

If you look closely, you can actually see Drew’s chest puff out—like an ape in the jungle wild, preparing to fight to the death over the last banana.

“Got something you want to add, Warren?”

Billy looks at Drew. And then dismisses him, turning his gaze toward me.

“I told him you’d be at the park because I knew it was what you would’ve wanted.”

I smile kindly. “It was. And I appreciate that you did. We both do.”

I nudge Drew with my elbow. he just shrugs, non-committedly.

And Billy says, “You don’t need him, Katie. It’s that simple.”

“I love him, Billy. It’s that simple.”

he holds my gaze another moment, then shakes his head and raises his hands in surrender. “For the record? You two need buckets of therapy, like yesterday. Trust me, I know dysfunctional when I see it.”

I nod once. “We’ll keep that in mind.”

Drew scoffs, “Whatever.”

Delores stands up next to Billy and addresses Drew, “I’m gonna enjoy watching you try to claw your way out of the shitfilled septic tank you’ve dug for yourself. That’s going to be better than anything I can think of to do to you.” She adds as an after-thought, “And if it’s not . . . I’ll have to get really creative.”

Don’t be too disappointed in Dee’s lack of retribution. Like the true friend she is, she respects my choices, even if she doesn’t agree with them. She knows when to back off and let me handle things.

Or . . . she’s just biding her time.

Dee pulls me into a hug and says in my ear, “Don’t let him f**k his way out of this one. Multiple orgasms are just a Band-Aid, not a cure.”