Is it all a matter of social perspective?

Is it possible that falling in love doesn’t always start when we think it might, and sometimes, it starts way before we’re ready, and grows slowly over time, allowing two people to truly fall in love with every aspect of each other? Rather than the more typical way of meeting a stranger, being attracted to them first, dating them, having feelings for them, and then hoping they’ll like you too and not rip your heart out?

I wish I had someone to talk to about all these confusing feelings, but I’m not ready to even attempt to go down that road yet.

Grabbing my cell phone, I perch on the edge of my bed and read over the text conversation again, frowning at my own words. My replies to his photo and to his sensual admissions are disappointing. I should have come back with an equally honest admission of what I want and felt. He crept over the wall tonight, took a peek at me, and let me see a peek of him. Maybe it was wrong of me to send him the pictures to lure him out, but I wanted him to see me in a new light. As a new adult. And I was hoping to see more of him.

From the dresser I pull out the decorated box of note paper and the fountain pen that I brought with me with the intention of mailing Chloe and my Grandmother notes while I was here. Instead, I sit on the floor and hand write a note to Tor. He’s the one who introduced me to calligraphy and he’s always loved the handwritten notes I’ve given him. With the evolution of the cell phone, I’ve used that as my main tool of correspondence with him, but for something special like this, I know he’ll appreciate it in my own writing.

Dear Tor,

Tonight your words were what I have been hoping to hear. You took my breath away, and gave it back to me again. I have not been able to fathom never touching again since the first time you kissed me, so don’t be afraid of loving and fucking (your word) me into exhaustion. I want you to show me what that feels like someday. Just thinking about it is making me breathless all over again.

I want you to be my first. I want you to be my last. I want you to be all the in-betweens. I want you. Just you. Only you.

And I want to be all yours, in every way.

I know you’re scared, but I also know how strong you are. We can be scared together, and we can be strong together. Trust that I know what I want. Haven’t I always?

I’m here, waiting, anytime you want to climb over the wall again. And if you have to run back to the other side again, that’s okay. I’ll still be here.

I love you the most,

Kenzi

xo

I take a picture of the note with my phone camera and send it to him. Mailing would be much more authentic, but would take too long. I want him to have this when he wakes up.

Five minutes after I get back into bed, a text comes through my phone and I know it has to be from him.

Tor: Why aren’t you sleeping?

Me: Why aren’t you? ;)

Tor: I’ve been busy treating myself like a playground since you had to tease me with your pictures.

Me: OMG

Tor: Sorry. I have no filter when I’m exhausted and deprived.

Me: I’m not complaining :)

Tor: You wrote me a letter. I miss seeing your writing.

Me: I’ll do it more.

Tor: Only you could make the word fucking look beautiful ;)

Me: LOL thanks

Tor: I don’t think I’ve ever heard you say fuck before.

Me: I didn’t say it, I wrote it. And I was quoting you.

Tor: Someday I’m going to get you to say it :)

Me: Someday works for me ;)

Tor: Kenz…I’m too tired to fight my feelings tonight.

Me: Good. I’ve declared tonight as being all rules off.

Tor: Oh really?

Me: Yes. Tomorrow we can go back to living in denial.

He’s quiet for a few moments and I wonder if he fell asleep with the phone in his hand.

Tor: Don’t hate me tomorrow when I’m back to normal.

Me: I’ll love you more tomorrow.

Tor: You’re really killing me tonight. It’s not fair.

Me: I like honesty, Tor. If this is the only way you can do that with me, I’ll take it.

Tor: This would be easier if you would just push me away, ya know.

Me: Sorry. No can do. :)

Tor: I’m going to type one more thing, then we’re going to bed. I can hear birds chirping.

Me: Ok…

Tor: I’ve always loved how unconditionally you love me

Ah. The power that words can hold is nothing short of amazing. They can hurt you, and they can heal you. Or, they can completely gut you. And sometimes, like now, they can make everything right in your world.