I’m worried with her feeling sad she might try to crawl onto my bed with me again.

And I’m not sure I wouldn’t like it.

5

Kenzi

Kenzi ~ age five

Toren ~ age twenty

“Can we do anything for you, bro?” Asher asks.

I shake my head. “No…I just needed to get away from my family.”

He puts his hand on my shoulder and squeezes. “Understood. Anything you need, just let us know.”

“Thanks.”

Ember stands in front of me, concern all over her face. “Tor, please sit. You look like you’re going to drop.” Dazed, I sit in the chair I always sit in, and she kneels in front of me and pulls off my shoes. “Ash, honey, go get him some water.” She smiles up at me as he goes off to the kitchen. “You just need to rest. It’s been a long few days, you’re exhausted and mentally drained.”

Ash comes back with a glass of water and hands it to me. “It’s okay to let yourself grieve, Tor. You’ve been like a fucking rock since it happened.”

“My family needs me to be strong for them. I can’t fall apart.”

“I get that, man. But you need to let yourself feel. Cry if you have to. You’re safe here with us, you know that. You can act all tough in front of them, but here you don’t have to.”

I sip my water slowly. I’m afraid to fall apart. I’m afraid I’ll never go back together again.

“We love you,” Ember says, having no idea how much her words are killing me.

“I know.”

“We’re gonna go in the other room and leave you alone for a while. Just yell if you need us.”

“Thanks…for everything you guys have done for me and my family.”

“Tor, don’t thank us. You’re our best friend. We’d do anything for you.”

Closing my eyes, I nod.

A small hand touches mine, and I open my eyes to see Kenzi standing next to the chair, a tiny mirror image of her parents, watching me with grave concern.

Ember tries to pull her away. “Come on, Kenzi, it’s time for bed. Uncle Tor needs some time alone.”

“No…” She climbs up onto my lap and hugs me. “He can’t be alone, Mommy.”

Asher reaches for her but I stop him. “She can stay. I don’t mind.”

Ember sighs. “Alright, but if she bugs you, just yell down the hall and I’ll come get her.”

“I will.”

I put my glass on the table next to the chair and put my arm around her, comforted by her closeness.

“Uncle Tor?” she whispers when her parents are gone.

“Yeah?”

“Your Daddy went to Heaven?”

I take a deep breath. “That’s right, Angel. He did.”

She hugs me tighter. “Don’t be sad. We can share my Daddy.”

I can’t help but smile. “Thank you, Kenzi. That’s very sweet.”

She soon falls asleep against my chest like she always does. The sound of her breathing is calming, and not wanting to wake her prevents me from getting up to raid the liquor cabinet and get drunk off my ass to numb the pain.

My father is gone. I didn’t get to say goodbye, or thank him for being such a great father and supporting all my dreams.

Dreams that I now have to let go, to take care of his family and his shop. It’s what he would want and expect, and I owe him that.

Kenzi stirs and I look down at her peaceful sleeping face. She’s just two years younger than my sister, Tesla. I should probably be with her, comforting her, telling her everything will be okay but I don’t have it in me to be there for all of them tonight.

Tonight, I just need someone to comfort me for once.

Kenzi

His door is closed.

I stand outside it in the hallway, in a state of utter confusion. He’s never closed his door before.

Why today?

I have to believe it means something, this suddenly closed door. Is he trying to tell me something? Did I do or say something to make him mad? Have I been too clingy?

Is he drawing a line where there never was one before?

The scent of the lasagna cooking in the oven makes my stomach growl in protest as I stare at the door for a long time, contemplating its meaning.

I knock softly and wait. I don’t hear a sound on the other side, so I knock harder. Still nothing. I bang harder.

“Tor?”

I press my ear against the door and the sound of his light snoring is all I can hear.

Screw it.

I open the door and step inside his room, feeling slightly guilty, but that quickly turns into something entirely different when my eyes land on him, laying on top of his white down comforter in nothing but black shorts. I literally freeze mid-step and just stare at him, my breath caught in my throat as a swarm of feelings I’ve never felt before possess me.

I’ve seen Toren practically every day of my entire life. I’ve seen him as a teen and I’ve seen him as a man. I’ve seen him happy, sad, sick, drunk, behind bars, on a motorcycle, in a truck, grieving, pissed off, loving, playful, and serious. But I’ve never seen him look like he just fell out of some magical portal of hotness.