“Then why are you talking to me?”

“I guess I’m feelin’ fuckin’ chatty.”

He stands and tugs me up with him, pulling my arm so hard I’m afraid it will snap. “Now you’re going to get on the back of my fuckin’ bike like I asked and we’re going to get a container of gas. You think you can hold it without falling the hell off?”

I nod my head. “Yeah.”

“Or if you really want to put a smile on my face, you could come home with me and let me slam you into my headboard for a few hours.” He suggests, his eyes roving over my body in a way that makes me feel extremely vulnerable and dirty.

“Ty…I’m in love with your brother.”

He nods and makes a clicking noise with his tongue. “Figures.” He starts to walk back towards his bike. “Move your ass, Sugar. Consider this repayment for all the fuckin’ smiles.”

I finally get home at one a.m. and breathe a massive sigh of relief when I get into the sanction and safety of my own bedroom. This has been the strangest night of my life. While I’m glad that Tyler came along to help me get gas, the altercation with him was bizarre and frightening. I feel like I should tell Tor about it even though Tyler asked me (more like told me) not to. His elevator is definitely not going to the top floor and he probably needs to be on some meds if he isn’t already.

After changing out of my clothes and into yoga pants, I walk down the hallway to my father’s room. I’m glad to see he’s not home as I slip inside and go straight to my mother’s night table, which hasn’t been touched since the accident.

Opening the wooden door at the front, I grab the journal on the top of the stack of about ten handmade journals my father has made for my mom over the years that she religiously wrote in.

The leather journal has a lock and the key is around my dad’s neck, so I take it over to her jewelry armoire and use an earring hook to pick the tiny lock. I’m hoping there will be some clues in here as to what they were talking about the morning of the accident and if she had feelings for Tor that went beyond friendship. If she did, I have no idea how I’m going to deal with that but it’s definitely going to make me feel odd in a lot of ways.

“What are you doing?” His deep voice exploding into the silence makes me jump and I drop the journal. He crosses the room swiftly and picks it up before I have a chance to react. “You picked the lock? Jesus, Kenzi.” He gently closes the journal and puts it back where it was in the night table, then turns to stare at me in disbelief.

“I just wanted to read some of it.” I say.

“Those are private. I don’t even read those. You don’t think I want to? You don’t think maybe it would help me feel closer to her in so many ways? But I can’t, because it’s wrong. These aren’t our words to read, Kenzi. They’re hers.”

I stare up at him, feeling guilty because I know what he’s saying is true. “I don’t know how you do it, Dad. How do you keep your sanity with all of this?”

“With lots of love and faith. That’s how. What are you hoping to find in these journals, Kenzi? Talk to me if something is on your mind.”

I shrug helplessly. “I don’t know. Lots of things I guess. I miss her, and I feel like I should have had more time to get to know her better. But if you really want to know, I was wondering about the conversation you two were having the morning of the accident.”

“What conversation?”

“Mom said that Tor understands and why can’t you? What did that mean?”

He sits on the bed with a distant look on his face, like he’s trying to rewind back to that day. I sit next to him and wait.

“Mom wanted out of the band life,” he finally says. “She wanted me out, too. She was tired of both of us traveling all the time, never having privacy or enough time with you, and she wanted to have another baby. I guess she and Tor had talked about it and he was supportive of it. And I get that. There’s been a lot of times when I wanted out of the band, too, but it’s hard to give up. It’s been my entire life. All my blood, sweat, and tears. I love the rush of the audience, of writing and singing new songs. You and your mom have always been more important to me, but leaving the band…it’s just such a hard thing to even think about. It would affect my brothers, and my cousins, too, since they’re in the band. I have to think about everyone involved, ya know? It’s not easy.”