I hope.

“Nah, I’m good, man.” He takes a seat in the chair in front of the window and I go back to the couch but position myself at least two feet away from Kenzi. “I’ve been at the facility all day. She’s been squeezing my hand.” He flexes the fingers of his right hand as he talks.

“Daddy…the doctor said those are muscle spasms.”

“Kenzi…let him finish.” I say softly. Asher’s excited tonight, and even more hopeful than he usually is, and I don’t think we should push him down. Hope is all that keeps him going when it comes to Ember.

“I know,” he says. “That’s what they’ve said in the past, but it’s a little different now. She seems to be responding to my voice. The doctors are discussing the possibility of some experimental drugs.”

“Ash, that’s great news. Do they think the drugs wil-”

“No,” Kenzi pipes up. “You can’t let mom be some kind of guinea pig.”

Asher looks at Kenzi like she just slapped him. “Of course I would never allow that. But if they think it might bring her back, how can I not let them try? I can’t live with myself unless I know I’ve done everything possible to help her.”

“Dad, you have. There’s nothing you can do. She’s brainde-”

“Kenzi, stop.” I say, shaking my head. “There have been cases where patients have woken up. I’ve read about them.”

“Exactly,” Asher says. “Yeah, it’s fucking rare, but it does happen sometimes. It could happen with her. She’s young, and healthy, and she has a lot to live for. She wants to live. I know she does.”

Kenzi shakes her head. “I just don’t want you to get hurt, Dad. You know I want mom back just as much as you do. But all this stuff scares me. Experimental drugs? I don’t want anything bad to happen to either one of you. At least now…she’s peaceful. She’s sleeping.” Her voice cracks with emotion and I reach across the couch and grab her hand without even thinking if it will raise a red flag.

Asher thinks nothing of it and that makes me feel like shit just as much as it gives me hope. I should probably let go of her hand, but I can’t. Not when she’s near tears and squeezing mine so tightly. And this – this – is what Asher is feeling. The love of his life squeezing his hand.

“I know…but if she woke up and could talk, and move again…I could bring her home. We could hire a live-in nurse while she recovers.”

His hope is starting to climb to unrealistic levels and that’s not fair to him or Kenzi. Or Ember. So, I try to gently step in. There was a time a few years when we did this dance several times a week and none of us can live like that again.

“Ash, she may not come back like that.” I say quietly. I hate to kill his buzz in any way, but Ember suffered a severe brain injury. The chances of her ever being able to talk and make full sense are slim. “I think you need to really think about this long and hard and grill the shit out of the doctors about the experimental drugs and any case studies they have.”

“I plan to. I’m just excited about any hope at this point. And I know she hears me. I can feel it. She knows I’m there.”

“I’m sure she does.” I agree, because I honestly do believe that wherever Ember’s brain has gone, her heart knows that he’s there with her.

I have an entirely new respect and understanding for the intense love that Asher feels for Ember now, because that’s how I feel about Kenzi. I would do anything for her and I’d never be able to give up on her.

“Kenzi, why don’t you come with me next week? I know it makes you uncomfortable, but maybe if she hears your voice too it will help.”

I already know she’ll say no, and he does, too. Kenzi can’t handle seeing her mother like that and I don’t blame her at all. It’s not easy in any way to see someone you love hovering somewhere between life and death. After the accident, Kenzi would sit next to Ember’s bed for hours and just cry and beg her to wake up. After having a few meltdowns that required the staff to give her sedatives, her grandmother and her aunt insisted she stop going.

“I can’t.” She says tearfully. “Please, Dad… ”

Fuck. I hate that I can’t put my arms around her and comfort her like I should be doing if this situation weren’t so screwed up. This is sheer torture.

“Tor, tell him please, I can’t,” she begs, and it’s not unusual for her to put me in the middle. She’s done it her entire life when she’s scared or upset. It just feels way worse right now.