“The next time you want to talk, give me about forty-eight hours advance warning, okay?”

    Chapter Seventeen

 After leaving Jock’s, Riley had herself a hard cry, something she hadn’t done in quite a while. It felt as though everyone was showering love on Emma and just not acknowledging how this might affect her, how she might feel like the bad girl, being punished all over again. Left out and unloved. Damn Emma! Had she come back and taken over Riley’s support group?

 She felt like a thirteen-year-old girl. A baby. An ogre who tried to prevent Adam and her mother from embracing their old friend. Tried and failed and now they knew how selfish and mean Riley could be.

 At midnight she heard her phone chime with an incoming text. It was Logan.

 Just wondering if everything is okay?

 Crap! She’d never called him. Although she was in bed and had a stuffy nose, she called him.

 “I’m so sorry,” she said. “I’m fine. I got caught up in a difficult family discussion. You know how those things can sneak up at holidays.”

 “Oh, yeah,” he said with a laugh. “My dad and I usually entertain the family by acting like assholes. We did pretty well this year. We stayed on opposite sides of the room and there wasn’t too much friction.

 “It’s funny, here we are, twenty-five years later and I’m still a pissed-off little boy. Everyone else has forgiven him and let him back in the family. My mom and dad are as close to being a couple without being one as you can get. They’re not remarried or anything, but he’s at every family thing. I think he should be shunned.”

 “Gee, only twenty-five years?”

 “You’re probably not going to believe this, but I’m actually a pretty easygoing guy. I think. I wouldn’t have a problem in the world if my mother just hated him.”

 “Sadly, I understand completely. Let’s talk tomorrow,” she said. “I’ve had such a long day.”

 “Sure,” he said. “And, Riley? We have a new year ahead of us. Let’s make it a good one, okay?”

 “Absolutely, Logan.”

 What a nice guy, she thought. She snuggled back into the covers. But she didn’t think about Logan. She wanted to. A smart woman would make something positive out of that relationship.

 Why do people do these things on the holidays? she asked herself. Why couldn’t Jock have saved his outburst for another time, another day?

 Jock’s outburst? her conscience mocked her. You started it! You always start it!

 Maybe she should start to admit it if only to herself. She was so scared and hurt, felt so alone even though she had Adam, her mother and her grandparents for a little while after Maddie was born. When she wasn’t crying she was bitching. In the beginning, when she was pregnant, Jock didn’t come around much. When Maddie was born he only came around when he felt safe, when Adam wasn’t around. He often visited Maddie when June was watching her because June might’ve been unhappy with Jock but she was never mean. Though he didn’t come to see the baby on a schedule or often, he did come regularly. And he called. He called Riley until he could just call Maddie.

 It seemed like forever that every time she saw him her heart ached and her throat burned with tears she wouldn’t shed. But she got over it. As she grew older and met more and more women who were raising children on their own, she learned how to bear it.

 But it left her hardened and somewhat bitter. She didn’t want to be that way. Here she was, the mother of a beautiful and brilliant daughter with everything in the world to be grateful for and she could behave in the most ungrateful manner sometimes.

 It had had the opposite effect on Jock. Having Maddie had sweetened him. Mellowed him and made him more mature.

 I made one mistake, she thought wearily. And it was the best thing that ever happened to me. Yet I’ve managed to suffer for it for years. How do I stop it? How has Jock moved on with grace?

 How has Emma?

 Just before falling asleep she remembered, I fell for you, he had said. I was never good enough for you, he had said. Was that what he’d said? She must’ve misunderstood.

 * * *

 Emma wasn’t at all unhappy with the quiet way she spent the holiday weekend. On Christmas Eve she went with Lyle and Ethan to Ethan’s sister’s house for dinner. Given that Lyle and Ethan had their own flower shop, a centerpiece wouldn’t do, so she borrowed Penny’s kitchen and recipes and made crab croquettes and a cheese ball. It was a rather hectic and noisy evening; Ethan’s sister was pregnant and his niece was two. Emma enjoyed the two-year-old for about an hour and then started to wonder how young mothers did it—the toddler was tired, cranky, hungry, restless and generally bad. One of her first rebellious acts was to pitch the cheese ball at their Labrador retriever.

 “Yeah, this is about ninety percent of the time these days,” Ethan said.

 “I don’t think I was prepared for how fast a two-year-old can move,” Emma said.

 “Watch your valuables,” Lyle said. “She swallowed Mommy’s diamond engagement ring about six months ago.”

 “It’s okay, I got it back,” Ethan’s sister yelled from the kitchen.

 “Ewww,” Emma and the two men said together.

 When she got home at nine that night, Adam was waiting for her. She regaled him with stories of dinner and the fate of her cheese ball. She insisted he open his gifts; she wanted him to try on his new slippers. He liked the book and sweater and had a gift for her, a very big box. Inside was a black waterproof trench coat, a very stylish maxi length with a belt. She told him to wait right where he was. She took it to her little bedroom to try it on and when she came back he admired the sleek design with her pumps. Then she untied the belt, opened the coat and flashed him with her nakedness. Although they roared with laughter, it only took a minute for it to be replaced with the sound of kissing and panting, the new coat on the floor on one side of the bed, Adam’s clothes on the other.