“I said which way do we go? To visit your mother’s tree?”

My chest tightened, and I shook my head. His words replayed in my head as I blankly stared his way. “What? No way, Graham. You’re already behind on your book, and I just can’t imagine having you drive that far just to—”

“Lucille Hope Palmer.”

“Yes, Graham Michael Russell?”

“You’ve never missed a holiday visiting your mother, right?”

I bit my bottom lip and nodded. “Right.”

“Okay then. Which way do we go?”

My eyes closed, and my heart beat faster and faster as I realized Graham wasn’t going to let this one go. I hadn’t even mentioned how much my heart ached not seeing Mama that day. I hadn’t even mentioned how hard it was to watch Susie and Karla love on their mother that evening. A tear rolled down my cheek, and a smile found its way to my lips. “You can take highway 43 north for two hours.”

“Perfect,” he said as he pulled out of the parking spot. When I opened my eyes, I glanced back at a sleeping Talon, and my hands wrapped around my heart-shaped necklace.

When we arrived, it was pitch-dark out until I plugged the extension cord into the outlet outside the cabin. The plug lit up the area with the white lights Mari and I had hung in December for our Christmas visit. Mama’s tree lit up bright, and I walked over to it, standing still as I watched the lights sparkle. I sat down on the ground and clasped my fingers, looking up at the tree. It was bittersweet, staring at the beautiful branches. Each day it grew was a day Mama was gone, but visiting her in the spring was my favorite time to come, because that was when the leaves began to bloom.

“She’s beautiful,” Graham said, walking over to me with Talon bundled up in his arms.

“Isn’t she?”

He nodded. “She takes after her daughter.”

I smiled. “And her granddaughter.”

He reached into his coat pocket and pulled out a pack of licorice, making my heart skip a beat.

“You picked it up at the grocery store?” I asked.

“I just wanted today to be good for you.”

“It is,” I replied, overwhelmed by his kindness. “It’s a very good day.”

As we sat there staring, breathing, existing, Graham pulled out his cell phone and started playing “Rise Up” by Andra Day.

“You said she might like it,” he told me.

Once again, I began to cry.

And it was beautiful.

“Are we friends, Lucille?” Graham asked.

I turned to him, my heart feeling tight in my chest. “Yes.”

“Then can I tell you a secret?”

“Yes, of course. Anything.”

“After I tell you, I need you to pretend I never spoke of it, all right? If I don’t say it now, I fear the feeling will only grow, and it will mess with my head even more than it is now. So, after this, I need you to pretend I never said this. After this I need you to go back to being my friend, because being friends with you makes me a better person. You make me a better human.”

“Graham—”

He turned and placed sleeping Talon into her car seat. “Wait, just tell me first—do you feel anything? Anything more than friendship when we do this?” He reached out and took my hand in his.

Nerves.

He moved in closer to me, our bodies closer than they’d ever been. “Do you feel anything when I do this?” he whispered, slowly grazing the back of his hand against my cheek. My eyes shut.

Chills.

He moved in even closer, his small exhales hovering over my lips, his exhales becoming my inhales. I couldn’t open my eyes because I would see his lips. I couldn’t open my eyes because I would crave to be closer. I couldn’t open my eyes because I could hardly breathe.

“Do you feel anything when we’re this close?” he asked softly.

Excitement.

I opened my eyes and blinked once.

“Yes.”

A wave of relief traveled through him and he reached into his back pocket, pulling out two pieces of paper. “I made two lists yesterday,” he told me. “I sat at my desk all day listing all the reasons why I shouldn’t feel the way I feel about you, and that list is long. It’s detailed with bullet points expressing every single reason why this—whatever this is between us—is a bad idea.”

“I get it, Graham. You don’t have to explain yourself. I know we can’t—”

“No, just wait. There’s the other list. It’s shorter, much shorter, but in that list I tried to not be so logical. I’m trying to be more like you.”

“Like me? How so?”

“I’m trying to feel. I imagined what it would be like to be happy, and I think you are the definition of happiness.” His dark eyes locked with mine, and he cleared his throat twice. “I tried to list the things I find pleasant, outside of Talon of course. It’s a short list, really, only two things so far, and oddly enough, it begins and ends with you.”

My heart pounded against my chest, my mind spinning faster and faster each second that passed. “Me and me?” I asked, feeling his body’s warmth. I felt his words grazing across my skin and seeping so deep into my soul.

His fingers slowly trailed along my neck. “You and you.”

“But…” Lyric. “We can’t.”

He nodded. “I know. That’s why after I tell you this last thing, I need you to pretend we are only friends. I need you to forget everything I’ve said tonight, but first, I need to tell you this.”

“What is it, Graham?”

His body slowly turned away from me, and he stared at the blinking lights on the tree. My eyes watched as his lips moved so slowly. “Being around you does something strange to me, something that hasn’t happened in such a long time.”

“What happens?”

He took my hand in his then led it to his chest, and his next words came out as a whisper. “My heart begins to beat again.”

“Are we okay?” Graham asked a few days after Easter as I drove him to the airport to catch his flight. His publisher needed him to fly out to New York City to do interviews and a few book signings around the city. He’d been putting off taking trips ever since Talon was born, but he was being forced to attend the meetings. It was the first time he’d be away from Talon for a weekend, and I could tell he was filled with nerves about the separation. “I mean, after our talk the other night?”

I gave him a smile and nodded. “It’s fine, really.”

It was a lie.

Ever since he mentioned that feelings for me lived inside of his chest, I hadn’t been able to stop thinking about it. But, since he had been brave enough to be more like me by feeling everything that night, I was forcing myself to be more like him by trying to feel a little less.

I wondered if this was what his whole life was like, feeling everything only in the shadows.

“Okay.”

As we pulled up to the airport, I climbed out to help him with his suitcases. I grabbed Talon from the back seat, and Graham held her so close to his chest. His eyes glassed over as he looked at his daughter.