His anxiety makes his knee shake. “I don’t want you to sacrifice your goals for mine. I promise I’ll back off. I can give you more time to work on your course if that’s what needs to happen.”

“That’s already going to happen when you make playoffs, which is inevitable based on how the team is doing. That’s what you want and exactly what I want for you. But I can’t be responsible for your success any more than you can be responsible for mine.”

He shakes his head as understanding registers. “That’s not what I meant in that interview.”

“I know you guys all get sucked into the superstitions and your rituals, especially around playoff time, but I can’t be a good luck charm. I don’t think you honestly believe I’m the reason you’re doing so well, but even the idea is too much pressure. I can’t be that for you. I don’t want to be that for you.”

Ethan swallows, his Adam’s apple bobbing heavily as he searches for a way to rationalize this. “You were the best thing in my life for years, and then you were missing and my career went to shit. Now you’re back in my life and it’s better again. Everything is better with you in it. Don’t take that away now, not when things are finally going well for both of us.”

“That’s the thing, Ethan—they’re not going well for both of us. Things are going well for you.”

“How can you say that? You can’t tell me we aren’t good together.” He gestures between us. “You can’t tell me this isn’t good.”

I wish I didn’t have to say it, but I know I do, and the words cause a physical ache in my chest. “It’s not the us part that I’m talking about.”

“What is it, then? Because if it’s not us, then I don’t get what the problem is.”

“I failed my midterm.”

He blinks a couple of times. “That’s not possible.” His shock is reasonable. I always performed well in school, particularly on tests, which were his weak spot. He’d get anxious and then blank out or choke. “You never fail anything.”

“I did this time.”

“What happened?”

“I’ve been so focused on you, and keeping you in my life, that I’ve stopped considering what I need.” The reality of this breaks my heart. I’ve spent so much time being independent and self-sufficient over the past eight years. And the first time I feel truly needed by the one person I love unconditionally, who left me, I abandon my own dreams for his.

“I’ll give you more time to study. I’ll help you.”

I smile, but I know it’s weak at best. “I’ve never been good at saying no to you, Ethan. And I want to make sure you understand that I’m not saying it’s your fault I failed. That’s on me. I made the choice to put you ahead of me, and this is the consequence. For now I need to focus on this course and my own goals, and you need to focus on getting through the playoffs and having a shot at the Cup. Between work, this course, and us, something has to give.”

Ethan runs a frustrated hand through his hair. “So what does this mean? We’re what? Taking a break?”

Every part of me wants to wrap my arms around him and hold on. It’s not healthy, it’s dangerous, and it’s setting me up for a world of heartbreak I’m not sure I’ll escape anyway. “I have less than a month to get my mark up. If I don’t, I risk not getting into the master’s program at all. Playoffs start soon and Minnesota is going to make it, which means you need all your time and energy channeled into your game.”

Ethan’s eyes are frantic; his fingers tap in distress. “This sounds like a breakup speech, Lilah.”

I want to take away his fear, but I can’t. “I didn’t plan this, not any of it, especially not the part where I fall in love with you again. I can’t take this on for you. I can’t be the reason you succeed or fail. You have to believe in you as much as I do.”

“You don’t want to do this,” Ethan says softly.

I run a finger down the bridge of his nose, wishing the action could calm us both. “Of course I don’t. But I need some time and space to focus on my own life, independent of you. It doesn’t do me any good to lose my own dream so you can have yours. It just sets us up for failure all over again.”

chapter nineteen

CULPABLE

Ethan

Breaks are the beginning of the end.

At least that’s what every single break I’ve ever initiated led to. So it makes sense that I’m panicking, because as much as the good luck charm comment wasn’t meant exactly how Lilah took it, I can understand why she did. And now that I’m being forced to reflect on my own actions, I see why she interpreted it that way.

I’ve spent the months we’ve been dating re-creating every single good memory as a reminder of what we used to have in an attempt to rebuild this relationship. And it worked. I love her. She loves me. This is the best season I’ve had since I was drafted. So I don’t want to accept her need for space.

“I need you.” The words are out before I can consider their potential damage and how they affirm exactly why she’s asking for space.

Her hand lifts and then falls to her side, fists clenching and releasing. “You don’t. At least not to play the way you have been. It’s not me, Ethan. I’m not the reason. I can’t be. I won’t take that on for you.”