And I know.

Who I am – was. I know James. I know everything.

My head is aching and my eyes feel heavy, but I force them open. James is the first thing I see. And the relief I feel at seeing him is immense, to say the least. I feel like I haven’t seen him for an eternity.

“James.” His eyes flick open and I see how drained he looks. “I remember,” I say, and the relief that washes into his eyes makes mine fill with tears.

Isabel removes her hands from my head and I sense her stepping away from the bed. I launch myself into James’ arms and he holds me tight to him. I bury my face into his neck and breathe him in.

I’m finally home.

“I thought I’d lost you for good,” he says, his voice thick with emotion.

I lift my head up to look at him. His eyes are shining. “I’m so sorry.” Tears are now running down my face. “I’m so, so sorry.”

He holds my face in his hands, smoothing my tears away with his thumbs. “You’ve nothing to be sorry for.” Then his hands are in my hair and he’s kissing every part of my face, my lips, my cheek, my forehead, my nose, every inch of my skin covered with his touch. “God, I’ve missed you, Luce.”

“I love you,” I whisper. Then I suddenly remember Arlo. My thoughts escape me. “Arlo,” I say bitterly. James looked confused. “I asked him to send me to earth and make me human so I could be with you and he went mad, but I forced him to do it, and I knew there was something wrong but it was too late, and then I was in so much pain and he must have taken my memory away and . . .” The words are just tumbling incoherently out of me.

“Ssh, Luce, calm down. It’s okay.” He smooths my hair with his hand. “Take a deep breath and start at the beginning.”

I sit back onto the bed but keep a firm hold of James’ hand, afraid that if I let him go I might lose him again. Then I start at the moment Arlo took me from James’ kitchen and I recount the events leading up to this moment. Both James and Isabel listen intently as I tell my story.

Then I reach the hard bit.

“James.” I fix my gaze on him. I know what I have to say, but I’m worried about how he’s going to react to it. I take a deep breath. “There’s something you need to know . . . about us . . . about you – our history together.”

“I know. Isabel told me.”

“About Arran?”

He nods.

“Oh.” I look away. He squeezes my hand and I bring my eyes back to his.

“You love me – don’t you?” I can hear the doubt faltering his voice.

“Yes, I do,” I say, determinedly. “I love you very much.”

“Then that’s all I need to know.” He smiles hesitantly.

I hold his gaze, willing him to see the truth I know he doubts. He’s the first to look away. I don’t push it any further. Right now I’m just happy to be here with him.

So, on I continue with my story. I’m just at the part about Arlo’s eyes changing colour and the pain I felt when he changed me, when Isabel interjects. “We should go now,” she says. “I’ll take you both back to James’ house.”

I spin round to Isabel. “Leave? Now? But I can’t! What about Fen?” My breath catches in my throat and a sick feeling washes over me like a tidal wave.

Fen. I can’t believe I haven’t thought about him until now. I can see from the corner of my eye that James is looking at me curiously thanks to my unscheduled outburst. My face instantly heats under his stare. I swallow down. “And Dr Woods and all the nurses,” I add albeit a little belatedly, but hoping it will add the right effect, “I can’t just leave without a word to any of them.”

“But you have to,” Isabel says firmly. “It’s not a good idea to speak to anyone. Questions would be asked that you can’t answer. It’s best if we leave now.”

“Who’s Fen?” James asks with an inquisitive tone to his voice.

Oh no. What do I say? I don’t think James will take the fact that only a few hours ago I was in Fen’s arms kissing him very well at all. Memory or no memory. And really it’s just not the time with Isabel here and everything that’s going on. I’ll talk to him later about it.

I plaster a smile onto my face and turn to him. I can see in his eyes he knows something’s amiss. “He’s my friend,” I say in the calmest voice I can muster. “He’s the lifeguard who helped me that day on the beach and he’s been watching out for me ever since. He’s been really good to me.”

He pauses for a moment before speaking. “Right,” he says with a nod and appears to let it go, saying nothing more on the subject. And I don’t know if it’s just because he’s so drained or because he actually believes me. I glance over at Isabel and I know she knows differently. She says nothing.

So I’m back to lying to James again. Great. And the guilt I now feel is nothing compared to the guilt I was feeling earlier when I was memory-less. Now it’s of epic proportions.

Arlo. This is all his fault. I can’t believe what he’s done to me. I thought he was my friend. If it wasn’t for him I would never have met Fen and I would never have developed these feelings for him, causing problems between James and me. But is that what I would really want – to never have met Fen? I can’t think about that now. The main question here is how did Arlo manage to take my memory? He doesn’t have the power to overcome free will. Well, he must have, because he overcame mine. None of this makes any sense. But these are questions I’ll have to deal with later because right now I have to deal with the fact that Isabel wants me to up and leave without saying goodbye to Fen. He’ll be worried if I just disappear. I can’t do that to him.

I feel like the worst person in the world for saying this, but I have to do something. “I just can’t leave without a word,” I say meekly. “It wouldn’t be right.”

“Isabel’s right,” James assures me. “I know it’s hard, these people are your friends, but it’s not like there’s any other choice.”

I sigh, defeated. Then I have a thought. “Can I leave a note?” I look at Isabel hopefully.

Her brow furrows and she takes a moment before answering. “Okay. As long as you don’t say who you really are or where you’re going – then yes.”

I climb off my bed and retrieve a pen and rip out a piece of paper from my notebook. I press the pen to paper and start to write . . .

Fen,

I have to leave. I’m so sorry to go without saying goodbye.

Thank you for everything. Truly. I would never have got through these last four weeks without you. I want you to know how much you mean to me.

Please don’t worry about me, I’m fine.

I pause, hovering over how to sign it. I glance back over what I’ve already written and see just how ineffective these words really are. Then I suddenly recall Fen’s earlier words to me - ‘Estou tão feliz que você veio em minha vida linda menina.’ This time around my vast knowledge of languages allows me to know exactly what it was he said, what he didn’t want me to know at the time – ‘I’m so glad you came into my life, beautiful girl.’

My eyes start to sting with tears and I’m glad I’m turned away from James so he can’t see. I take a deep breath and close my eyes, keeping them at bay. When I feel safe enough to do so, I open them and finish the note.

Estou tão feliz que você entrou na minha vida, minha linda Fen.

Eu nunca vou te esquecer. Lembrar de mim.

Lucy

xx

I fold it over, sealing my pain inside, and stand it up on the table.

“Ready?” James says. I turn around to see him standing before me. Concern is lining his face. He looks exhausted. His skin is considerably paler than normal and I know it’s all because of what he did for me.

Guilt spikes me again and I quell it. With a smile I reach over and take hold of his hand. His warmth floods me. He smiles down at me with tired eyes.

I take a surreptitious glance around my home of the last month. I can see Fen everywhere. I can’t believe I’m just leaving him like this. There’s an ache now rooted deep within me which I don’t think will ever go. But I have James back now and that’s all that matters.

“I’m ready,” I say. “Let’s go home.”

Chapter 23

Bad Penny

We’ve been sitting together in the living room in silence, James and I, for oh . . . I’d say about twenty minutes now. Not one single word has been uttered between us since Isabel left on her quest to try to locate Arlo. She said its imperative she finds him.

Me? Well the fact that Isabel thinks it’s imperative to find him unnerves me undoubtedly, but I can’t let myself think about him or why he’s done what he’s done. If I do, it’ll open up a whole stack of questions my brain and my heart . . . well, mainly my heart, can’t tolerate at the moment. It’s trying to cope with enough, so to ask any more of it would be abject sadism.

James sighs heavily. His hot breath blows down through my hair, blistering over my skin. His arms tighten around me, pulling me closer. And even though we are close, about as close as two people can be, I know the issues sitting between us could span a distance the size of the Grand Canyon. He’s bothered by our history. I can tell by every tap of his finger against my skin, by every deep breath he takes and every sigh he expels, that he’s considering everything, considering us, considering me. He may as well have thought bubbles transmitting from his head.

But he’s not ready to talk about it. Neither am I. Hence the silent reflection.

James’ chest once again rises up as he draws another deep breath. I hold mine waiting to see if he’s going to speak. He doesn’t. I breathe out and wonder just how much longer this can go on for.

After a few more minutes of dead calm, I lift my head up and look at him, seeing his pallid exterior, the darkness sitting under his closed eyes. He doesn’t look right. Isabel using his energy seems to have taken more out of him than it should have.

I reach up and gently brush his hair back off his forehead with my fingers. “You look tired,” I say. “You should go to bed.”

He opens his heavy eyes and looks down into mine. “I will in a minute. I just want to stay here for a bit longer.”

I don’t argue. I rest my head back onto his shoulder and press my body closer to him, comforting myself in his scent, and curl my leg up against his.

Hang on, wasn’t that his broken leg?

“Hey,” I say surprised, “your pot’s gone.”

“Hmm, yeah, Isabel fixed it before we came for you.”

“Ahh, right . . .”

Silence.

He begins stroking my hair. “It was really hard without you here, Luce. I don’t ever want it to happen again.”

He doesn’t need to say anything more. The undertone to his voice has said it all. I know we’re going to be okay.

I hold back my tears and press my lips to his neck. “You won’t have to. I’m not going anywhere ever again.”