“It’s not him.” I say it with complete conviction.

“But how do you know?”

“I just do.”

“That’s a shitty answer when people are getting whacked, Avery, and you know it.”

“It’s not Sean.” I repeat myself with utter confidence. Standing, I start to pace while rubbing my chin. “Sean has his own stuff going on, and he only fights back when prompted.”

“What about that shit with Trystan on the way in?”

“There’s bad blood between them.”

“But Rockstar didn’t start that fight. Your boy did.”

“And no one ended up dead in a dumpster either, Mel. Come on, think! What are we missing?”

We’re both quiet for a long time. I keep trying to pin this on Naked Guy or Henry Thomas, but something feels off. It’s too easy to pin it on one of them and there’s no real motive. Well, not one worth killing for. Henry is embarrassed and irate that Sean stole someone he wanted, again. Henry’s also pissed that Amanda died, but it doesn’t make sense for him to kill me to get back at Sean, not if Henry actually liked me. That’s the part that doesn’t fit in his puzzle.

Maybe he didn’t like you. Maybe he was using you. My inner-voice is a pain in the ass.

Mel huffs and shakes her head, still on the bench. “It makes no sense. We’ve got someone shooting at you and me. Maybe it’s a vendetta against Black?”

“By who?” I turn and look at her. “Who would want to wipe out her staff, because that’s what it looks like they’re doing. That’s why Black wants to protect me and she sure as hell doesn’t want anything to happen to you.”

Mel makes a sound of disbelief. “She doesn’t give a flying fart what happens to me.”

Shaking my head, I correct her. “I asked to take you with me, if I accepted the position as a madam. Black said no.”

Mel glances up at me with her eyebrows pinched together. “That’s weird.”

“Not if you’re her main girl. I mean she’d want to keep you around.”

“Yeah, but she’s sending you off. Someone doesn’t want us talking to each other. They think we’ll figure things out.” Mel bites her lip as she thinks.

I lean against the wall and tap my nails on the thick dark paint. “Mel, I don’t know how to handle this. If we call the cops, there’s nothing to tell them.”

“And they’ll throw my ass in jail. No cops.” Her eyes are wide and frightened.

“So, what can we do?”

“It’s simple. This is the way things were on the streets where I grew up. No one saves you, except you. There’s no white knight, no police officer that will rescue you. It’s time to fight or die, Avery.”

I repeat Mel’s old words, softly, “Surviving justifies anything.”

“Fuck, yeah.”

CHAPTER 8

I’m nervous, but I try to shove back the emotions. If I’m a psychotic troll, then I won’t notice what’s going on. Emotions cloud my judgment and make me second-guess myself. That won’t help me now. I have to trust my gut and that’s all there is to it. Daddy used to say that the best decisions are the ones you can feel. They have no explanation—you just know.

That’s why I find Sean. He’s sitting at a table with a half empty bottle of whiskey. I’m exhausted and ready to fall asleep on my feet. When I sit down, I know that I’m going to have trouble getting up again. Sean doesn’t acknowledge me, so I speak first. I offer the thing I want, because there’s no way to communicate how I feel. I’m mad at him and disappointed, but l don’t want to fight anymore.

I reach across the table and touch the back of his hand. “Come to bed with me.”

Sean doesn’t move. Instead, he stares at my fingers on his. After a moment I withdraw my touch and repeat myself. That’s when he finally speaks. “Avery, I can’t.”

“I need to sleep and so do you.”

His eyes flick up. They’re filled with so many emotions that I can barely stand to look at him. It’s as if the man has been torn in two and is still alive. It’s cruel and merciless, washing over him again and again like the waves pounding against the shore. He can’t escape his agony. “Not this time.”

“I’m not taking no for an answer. We don’t have to talk. I just want you near me—we don’t have to touch. I know you don’t want that right now. Come with me, Sean. Jonathan said there’s an office in back with an inflatable bed. He already blew it up for me. Don’t make me go alone.”

There are sharp words on the tip of his tongue, but he swallows them back. “What do you expect me to do?”

“Sleep.”

“No, after that. Tomorrow and the next day. One moment you seem fine with who I am and what I’ve done, and the next you’re calling me a coward.” Sean is leaning back in his chair while he rubs the side of his shot glass with this thumb.

“Nothing good comes after 3am and it’s so far past that, Sean. We’re both exhausted. Let’s sleep for a while and talk about it later.” My eyelids are lead and I swear to God that my head is going to fall forward and hit the table in a matter of moments. It sways on my shoulders as my lids droop.

“You still trust me?”

“Yes.” There’s no hesitation, no question about it. I completely trust him. Sean watches me as I put my head on my hand and lean heavily upon it. “Do you trust me?”

The corner of his lips twitches. “That’s a silly question.”

My elbow starts to slide and my head is going down. I can’t stop it. I rest my over-sided, extra heavy melon on my arms as I fold them on top of the table. “I’m a silly girl.”

“No, you’re not. That’s why I’m having so much trouble with you. Avery?”

I hear his voice, but I can’t speak any longer. I’m too tired. “Mmmm?”

“Don’t leave me.”

Turning my head, I open my eyes and smile at him, sleepily. “I’m not going anywhere. You’re stuck with me, Mr. Jones.” My words turn to a whisper as my eyes close. Sean’s voice fills my ears a moment later, but I have no idea what he’s saying. When I don’t respond, I’m jostled awake as I’m lifted from my chair. When my feet won’t move to walk, Sean swears under his breath, and then lifts me into his arms.

He carries me back into the room with the blow-up bed, muttering, “So much for not touching for a while.”

CHAPTER 9

My dreams are strange. The drowning nightmare collides with something new. One second I have the watery noose around my neck and the next I’m holding a gun and the walls are bleeding my name. I’ve shot someone. The pilot. A second after he dies, the man stands. His face is disturbing—it’s ghostly pale and rigor has set in, so all his loose flesh is pressed to the side. Crimson overflows from his eyelids, pouring down his chalky cheeks like twin rivers of blood. He moves so slowly, but I feel like I can’t escape. The man reaches for my neck and strangles me. Just as I suck in my last breath he explodes. Pieces of flesh fly in every direction and splatter against me. I scream and see Sean standing in blood red smoke. He walks toward me holding a noose. His voice sounds like he’s a million miles away even though he’s right in front of me. “Everything I touch...”

When his cold fingers press against my cheek, I screech, terrified. Suddenly, I’m in a box and the packaging peanuts are sucked out. The cardboard turns to silk and I realize it’s a coffin. I scream until my throat is raw and my lungs burn, but no one saves me.

Mel stands at my graveside, above me, patting her eyes with a tissue. “I tried to tell her, but she wouldn’t listen.” She’s talking to Marty, who says nothing. “Surviving justifies anything.”

The inside of the casket turns to fire and as the flames lick my feet, I can’t stand it anymore. I scream as I sit upright. I’ve clawed the satin off the coffin and it’s wrapped around me, pinning my arms to my sides. Tears streak my cheeks as I thrash, trying to get out.

That’s when I feel hands on my shoulders and hear his voice, “You’re all right. Wake up, Avery. Avery…?”

When my eyes open, I’m terrified. Sean is holding my shoulders and watching me. I want to break down and cry. I want to fall into his arms and purge my sorrow until there isn’t any left, but I can’t. “I’m fine.” I snap the words, embarrassed, and pull away from him. The blankets are tangled around my h*ps and legs.

“I didn’t want to wake you, but you were—”

“I’m fine.” I repeat the words again, more sternly this time.

“Very well.” Sean leans back against the bed. He’s still wearing his clothes. I’m in a shirt and no slacks. Getting tangled in the bedding always makes my nightmares worse, but this was the most horrific one I’ve ever had. I’m sitting on the edge of the bed, facing away from him. “Do you want to talk about it?”

“No.”

“All right, then, let’s get some food and get out of here for a while.”

“Sean,” I turn to look back at him, wondering what he wants from me. The room is cold and nasty looking. It’s as if it hasn’t been cleaned in a decade. Grime covers the walls and paint is old and cracked. There are filing cabinets along the opposite wall and a metal door to lock the employees out. I’m surprised Jon let us in here, especially with the way he and Sean are at each other’s throats.

Emptiness consumes me and I shiver. I don’t know what to do. I feel so lost. The one place I want to be, I’m not allowed. Sean won’t let me touch him.

Sean must read my thoughts because he holds out his arms toward me. “Come here.” I do as he says and crawl toward him on the bed. It gives beneath me and I crash into his chest. Sean’s strong arms close tightly around me and he kisses the top of my head. “This is where you belong.”

I know he doesn’t like me against his chest, so it’s weird to hear him say it. I hedge, “No one gets this close to your heart for long. I know that. It’s all right, Sean. I’m asking too much.”

“But maybe you’re right. Maybe you should be that close to me. Maybe I should drop my walls a little, at least around you. You trusted me to do things that terrify you because it’s what I needed. I can do the same for you. I can hold you. I can let you in.”

Tears sting my eyes and I start blinking rapidly, trying to chase them away. “Don’t say things like that to me.” I push away from him. I can’t take any more promises that crumble in my hands. I’m completely mental.

I try to stand and walk away, but Sean grabs my wrist. “I want to be there for you, I swear to God. I just don’t know how. Avery, tell me what you need.”

I shake my head and turn my face away from him so he can’t see the pain in my eyes. I want a man that doesn’t need directions. That snappy little voice in my head reminds me, they all need directions.

Pressing my lips together, I look back at him. Sean’s rumpled clothes cling to his toned body. His arm is extended toward me, barely holding on. It’s as if he’ll set me free, if I want it. And that’s the question I can’t answer. What do I want? Do I want this kind of relationship? Do I want to be owned by someone? No matter what he says, that’s part of Sean Ferro. Even if I tried to break him of that habit, he’ll always feel that way. I’m his. Is that so bad?

My mind shifts and compares him to Black. If I work for her, she’ll own me as well. It seems like no matter which path I choose, someone will be making me do things that I don’t want to do. I can’t picture myself in Black’s position at all, but then again, having money and never worrying about where I’m going to live would be nice. It feels more secure than a life with Sean. Sean’s mood changes with the breeze. I’m walking eggshells around him. I want to be myself and Black’s offering that to me.

Before I can answer, Sean derails my thoughts. He releases my wrist and crawls across the bed and kneels in front of me. He offers an unsure smile. It lights up his face for a second and then fades. “I should give this back to you, if you’re leaving.” He pulls the ring off his finger and holds it out for me.

Staring at it, I wonder what to do. I want to take it back and I don’t. I want to yell at him and I want to hug him. That settles it…that’s the test. If he can’t do something as simple as a hug, I can’t take this anymore. I need to be comforted and I need his arms around me. I go in without warning and wrap my arms around his waist, and press my body firmly to his chest. Sean tenses and his hands hover like he doesn’t know what to do. Right when I’m about to pull away, his strong hands come down around me, and hold me tight. Sean presses a kiss to my temple and then does the unthinkable—he rocks backward and pulls me down on top of him.

I yelp and fall onto his chest. He laughs lightly, but doesn’t let go. “You have a one track mind, Miss Smith. All you want are hugs, day and night. What’s a guy supposed to do? I’m going to have some serious chaffing at this rate.” His teasing is light, but there’s worry behind his eyes.

I slap his chest and try to pull away, but he won’t let me. We’re both laughing and a second later I’m staring at his lips, dying to taste them. Sean slips his ring onto a filing cabinet and sweeps his eyes over my body before leaning in slowly. It’s like a first kiss. I’m flushed and nervous, hot and excited. I wonder if he’s going to do it, if he’s really going to taste my lips. Sean said he wouldn’t, that he needed time, but the way his gaze dips to my mouth and the way he barely breathes—it makes me think he wants this kiss as badly as I do.

Make up your mind, Avery. You can’t keep doing this to yourself. The voice inside my head has a warning tone, like I’m trying to set my eyelashes on fire.

I counter, He passed the hug test. Shut up!

Yeah, ‘cuz that was a great test.

Dear God, I’ve gone crazy. I’m talking to myself instead of kissing a really hot guy. One kiss won’t hurt anything. I can still decide things later. It doesn’t mean anything. Well, it shouldn’t, but it does, and this hug means everything to me, too.

Sean’s eyes are locked on my mouth and as he inches closer my stomach fills with butterflies. I watch those dark lashes as he gets closer and closer. At some point I stop breathing and only notice when I shiver. Sean lingers kissably close, but doesn’t move. “Kiss me, Avery.”