All that means is neither you nor Stevie Rae is perfect, Grandma said. But how do I know that's all it means? What if I'm a shallow ho and Stevie Rae's gone evil? Only time will show whether your trust in Stevie Rae has been misplaced. And I think you should stop being so hard on yourself for being attracted to more than one boy. You're making good judgments about the relationships in your life. From what you've said, Erik's behavior was controlling and boorish. There are many young women who would have ignored all of that because he's, how do you put it, so hot!" Grandma did a bad teenage imitation. You'll learn to balance Heath and Stark, many High Priestesses do. Or you won't, and you'll decide committing yourself to one man is the right path for you. But, darling, that is something you have many, many years to decide. I suppose you're right, I said.

Of course I'm right. I'm old. Which means I can also tell there's more bothering you than boys or Stevie Rae. What is it, Zoeybird? I had a memory of A-ya, Grandma. Grandma's sharp intake of breath was the only outward sign of her inward shock. Did the memory involve Kalona? Yes. Was it pleasant or unpleasant? Both! It started out as terrifying, but as I got closer and closer to A-ya, it changed. She loved him, Grandma. And I could feel that. Grandma nodded and spoke slowly. Yes, u-we-tsi-a-ge-ya, that makes sense. A-ya was created to love him. It scares me and makes me feel out of control! I cried. Sssh, daughter, Grandma soothed. We are all affected by our pasts, but it is within our power not to let what we have done dictate what we will do. Even at a soul-deep level? Especially at a soul-deep level. Ask yourself where is it your great gifts originate.

Well, from Nyx, I said. And did the goddess gift your body or your soul? My soul, of course. My body's just a shell for my soul. I was surprised at the firmness of my voice. I blinked in surprise. I have to remember it's my soul now, and treat A-ya like I would any memory from my past. Grandma smiled. Ah, there, I knew you'd find your center again. When you make mistakes, whether they are from this life or another, learn from them--then they become opportunities. Not if my mistakes let Kalona burn up the world, I thought, and almost said aloud, but just then Grandma closed her eyes. She looked so tired and hurt and old that it made my stomach clench and feel more than a little sick.

I'm sorry I dumped all this on you, Grandma, I said. She opened her eyes and patted my hand. Don't ever be sorry for speaking your mind to me, u- we-tsi-a-ge-ya. I kissed Grandma lightly on her forehead, being careful not to hurt any of her cuts and bruises. I love you, Grandma. And I love you, u-we-tsi-a-ge-ya. Go with the Goddess, and the blessings of our ancestors." My hand had just touched the doorknob when her voice rang between us, sounding strong and sure and wise as ever. Hold to the truth, u-we-tsi-a-ge-ya. Do not ever forget, as our people have always known, there is a deep power in words that speak the truth. I'll try my best, Grandma. And that is all I will ever ask of you, my Zoeybird.

Chapter Twenty-one

The ride back to the House of Night was slow and weird and awkward. It was slow because even with Shaunee and me directing fire to warm the hooves of the horses so that we could trot down Twenty-first Street and take a left at the Utica Street light (which was totally dark), it was still a slick, frigid, difficult trek. It was weird because everything was so darn dark. Here's what happens when your city loses light: it doesn't look right.

It sounds simplistic, especially coming from a kid who is supposed to be one of the children of the night or whatnot, but the world doesn't look the same when the lights go out. And it was awkward because Shaunee and Erin kept throwing looks at me like they thought I was a bomb that might explode. Johnny B and Kramisha hardly talked to me at all, and Stark, who was sitting behind me on my amazing mare, Persephone, wouldn't so much as rest his hands on my waist. Me? I just wanted to go home. Darius drove the Hummer behind us at I'm sure what must have felt like a crawl to him, even though the three horses were managing a steady trot. The red fledglings, led by Stevie Rae and Erik, followed the Hummer. Except for the car and the hooves of the horses, the night was as silent as it was dark, though once in a while, creepily, a branch would give up under its icy weight and, with a terrible crack! a tree would break.

We'd turned left on Utica before I said anything. So are you just not going to ever talk to me again? I asked Stark. I'll talk to you, he said. Why does it seem like there should be a but' at the end of that sentence? He hesitated and I could practically feel the tension that radiated off him. Finally he let out a long breath and said, I don't know whether to be pissed at you, or to say I'm sorry for the messed-up shit that happened in the cafeteria. Well, the cafeteria wasn't your fault. Or at least most of it wasn't. Yeah, see, I know that, but I also know your feelings were hurt by the whole Erik thing. I didn't know what to say to that, so we rode on in silence for a while until Stark cleared his throat and said, You were pretty hard on everyone back there. I had to shut up the bickering, and that seemed like the quickest way.