“Awww.” She squeezed my hand. “It sounds like you’re finally going to let me inside and tell me all your deep, dark secrets…”

“I don’t have any deep, dark secrets.”

“Well, whatever you want to talk about tomorrow, can we not talk about it at Gayle’s?”

“What?” I looked over at her and raised my eyebrow. “Why not?”

“Because, although I know you love the food there and I do, too, I hate that place. Like, being there, you know?”

“Not really…”

“I just feel like it’s not our own ‘couple spot’, you know? Every couple needs their own “OMG this is our spot” type of place. Speaking of which, I was thinking we need to post more pictures of us together on Facebook. I’ll be posting what we took today on tomorrow. What do you think of the caption: “OMG my boyfriend took me on a surprise trip to the beach? Hashtag, he loves me, hashtag, don’t be jealous, hashtag, he always spends money on me.”

“The beach is free…”

She ignored my comment and continued babbling, eventually transitioning from our social media profiles to how badly she wanted to ride me tonight, but the second we got back to my place, she collapsed onto my bed and fell asleep.

Relieved, I took a beer from the fridge and leaned against the counter. I needed to think tomorrow’s break-up through. I needed it to be short, swift, and to the point.

“It’s not you, it’s me…” “I’m just not sure if I’m really the man you’re looking for…” “Okay, look. It’s that weird-ass cat shit you do...” No, no…I need to be diplomatic about this… Hmmm…

I googled, “Top Ten Best Ways to Break Up with Someone,” but the browser crashed and a phone call came through instead. My best friend, Arizona.

“Hello?” I answered.

“Meowwww….” she whispered. “Meowww…Meow!”

“Fuck you, Ari.”

She laughed. “Are you busy right now? Am I interrupting something?”

“Not at all.” I stepped into my room and tapped the wall to see if Emily would wake up. “I just got back from the beach. Emily passed out as soon as we got back.”

“Did she eat too much catnip? That happens to me all the time.”

“Is there a point to this goddamn phone call, Ari?”

“There is.” She laughed. “There is.”

“Care to share it before I hang up on you?”

“Yeah…I think I finally want to have sex with Scott tonight.”

“Okay. Then go finally have sex with Scott tonight.”

“No, no, no…” Her tone was more serious now. “I’m just not sure if I should or not, you know? I’m getting some vibes…”

“What kind of vibes?”

“That it’s not a good idea, that it’s not the right time.”

I sighed. Arizona always needed to host an internal examination session whenever she was considering sleeping with a guy. Everything had to be measured in terms of risks and returns, down to “the intensity of the kisses,” “the average length and quality of the dates,” and “the long-term relationship factor.” Even though she denied it, I knew she kept a spreadsheet on her phone to track all of those ridiculous factors, and that she started a new one each time she dated someone.

“Look,” I said, “if you don’t want to sleep with him, don’t. Tell him you’re not ready yet.”

“Do you think he’ll be okay with that, though? We’ve been together eight months.”

“What?” I nearly choked on my beer. “It’s been eight months?”

“See? That’s the thing, and I know he feels like tonight is the night since I kind of alluded to it, but…I don’t know. I’m not sure if he’s worth the risk. I don’t want to get burned again…”

“Wait a minute.” I shook my head. “Where are you right now?”

“In Scott’s apartment.”

“Then where the hell is he?”

“He went to CVS to get us some condoms.”

“At least his heart is in the right place…” I rolled my eyes. “Seriously though, if you’re not one hundred percent sure, just tell him what you just told me. He’ll have to understand.”

“And if he doesn’t?”

“Find someone who does.”

“Right,” she said. “Are you still thinking about breaking up with Emily this weekend, or are you going to try and make it work?”

“No.” I walked over to my bedroom door and shut it before completely answering. “It’s definitely over. I’m not feeling it anymore, and I’m beyond tired of all the arguing, her erratic craziness, and feeling like I have to check in every hour on the hour.”

“This is your fourth breakup in a year. I think it’s time for you to give the girlfriend thing a rest.”

“Don’t worry,” I said. “I’ve finally accepted that I’m not the relationship type, and I’ll be making my single status very clear after tomorrow. I need to be single and enjoy life before law school starts anyway.”

“So, you’re saying that you’re going to be a whore this summer?”

“I’m implying that.” I smiled. “There’s a difference.”