Author: Nyrae Dawn

I can’t help but smile. “I don’t want you to get into trouble.”

“I’m staying regardless. I guess that means we need to have extra fun so it will last me the next month!” She laughs and we do, too. We eat the whole package of cookies and put makeup on in silly ways just to be able to laugh and tease each other. And even though Ellie does get grounded for a month, she says it was worth it. Diana would have done the same. And I would have for them, too.

Always.

Chapter Thirty-Nine

Now

I text Ellie and Diana to meet me at Ellie’s house. Her parents will both be at work, even the day after Christmas. They’re like that. They always work. It’s one of the reasons Ellie used to like being at my house so much.

I raise my hand to knock, but Ellie is already pulling the door open. Diana sits on the couch and gives me a small smile. Just seeing them, being open to them, all my emotions push to the surface. These were my best friends. I loved them. They held my hands at my mom’s funeral. They danced with me in the girl’s bathroom and cried with me just because Christian Medina asked me to dance. We pinkie-swore to be friends forever and to tell each other everything. I miss them…

And I want them back.

“Hey,” I say. As if on cue, they both say hi at the same time. Ellie and Diana sit on the couch, Diana pushing her dark hair out of her face. I can’t stop my feet from wanting to move, but I won’t let myself pace. Holding still, I lean against the fluffy chair across from them and say, “I was lost, when she died.”

It’s amazing how much you can take in after an announcement like that. I see Ellie’s hands start to tremble. She wrings them together, tries to shake it out. Diana’s eyes dart to the ground, but then they look back at me and I think I see a “thank you” in them. Maybe this is what they wanted all along. Maybe we just needed to talk. For me to meet them halfway, or at least to show them I needed them. I glance at Ellie, who always felt so cast aside by her parents and wonder if maybe she felt like when Mom died, and I didn’t introduce them to my boyfriend, I was casting her aside as well.

“I know I pushed you guys away—”

“We get that. You lost your mom, Brynn. We knew you were hurting. All we wanted was to be there for you,” Diana says. It hits me, how much better this all could have been if I would have let them be by my side. It’s so easy, so easy to lock yourself up. To push people away because you think the pain isn’t as much if you don’t have to acknowledge it, but that’s not true. It makes the hurt a million times worse not to share it with those who care about you. And there’s always someone, I think. I found Emery when I thought I lost my friends. Or Brenda, the people at the center. There has to be someone.

“I know that,” I continue. “I do. It’s like, my brain knew these things. I wanted to open up to you, but I didn’t know how.”

Ellie adds, “You always used to talk to us. We told each other everything.”

My eyes begin to pool with tears. “I just missed her so much. She was incredible and she made me special by choosing me, and I felt so much guilt for not saving her. Or being there for her the way she was always there for me.”

The words are freeing somehow. I thought they all broke free with Dad, but there were more, locked in a cage inside me, begging to escape. Pleading with me to open up because there’s no way to be free from inside that cage.

Ellie looks at me, her blue eyes watery. “She was amazing. We all loved her. You know…I wanted her to be my mom, too. I almost felt like she was. She was always there for all of us and she made everything so much fun. I know it’s not the same, but I felt like I lost her too… And then we lost you as well.”

I shake my head. “I was only lost for a little while, but I found my way back.”

Diana speaks next. “Your mom was incredible, but she didn’t make you special, Brynn. You did that yourself. We’re your best friends. We love you.”

At that the tears start to leak from my eyes. “I love you guys, too.”

“It hurt to have you push us away,” Diana whispers. “We’d always been a team and though we understood, it sucked. And then when you started talking about this new boyfriend you didn’t want us to meet, it was like you didn’t care. You’d moved on and forgotten about us. We weren’t good enough to be there for you, when we loved her right along with you.”

When Ellie’s parents fought, she talked to Mom. When we needed a ride somewhere, we asked her. Diana started her period for the first time at our house and my mom was there. I should have realized it hurt them, too. That they felt like I left them, as well.

“And even after everything happened…” Ellie shifts. “You didn’t want to see anyone after the baby, which again, we get. But then all these rumors started to go around and you didn’t answer our calls again. We came to your house that day and I know we were angry but you didn’t even try then. It was like you didn’t care anymore.”

“No.” I shake my head. “Never. I could never forget about you guys. I didn’t know how to deal with it. I know that’s not an excuse, but it’s the truth. I was lost without Mom and then Jason…I thought he loved me. He told me he did. It was all a lie.”

“It was like we didn’t know you anymore. We tried so hard to reach out to you after your mom that it was hard to keep trying after Jason. You could have tried, too.”

And I know they’re right about that. It was another way I didn’t fight. Another way I just folded in and accepted everything. I didn’t make sure the world knew what Jason did or make sure people knew I didn’t lie. I became a bystander in my own life and let everyone else take the blame for not coming to me. “You’re right. I know you’re right and I don’t have an excuse. I wish I did. The only thing I know to do is try to move forward. To fight for our friendship now because I love you guys. You’ve always been my best friends.”

Their breaths hitch at that…and then they part, putting space between them on the couch, and I know what they’re saying. After all these years, I can read them like that.

My legs shake as I walk over and sit between them. We hold hands and I continue to talk.

I tell them everything about Jason. His lies. My feelings. And I even admit to being embarrassed by him not wanting to meet my friends and lying about it. No, I never should have told them it was me who didn’t want Jason to meet anyone. But I was lost and finally felt I had something that was mine.

“I wish things could have been different,” Diana says. “We missed you, Brynn.”

“I missed you guys, too. So much.”

We’re silent for a minute, and then I add, “I know I pulled away first…but you guys aren’t innocent either. The way you treated me. I don’t think I deserved that.”

“You’re right,” Ellie says.

“I’m so sorry,” Diana adds. “Maybe we can try to start over… Go slowly.”

My heart bounces. “I would love that.”

“All of us made mistakes. I’d like to try to get our friendship back, too.” Ellie looks down.

It’s not perfect, but it’s a start. I need to prove things to them, and them to me. The fact that we’re all willing gives me hope.

I listen as they talk about some of the things they’ve been doing the past months. Then I talk to them about Christian and tell them I have a new friend named Emery I hope they can meet one day.

Each word is a cleansing breath. A compression on my chest bringing me back to life again.

And I can’t wait to live.

When I finally get up to leave, both girls stand, too. Diana holds out her pinkie first, then Ellie, and finally me. We link them all together. “Always,” I say.

“Always,” my friends whisper right beside me.

Chapter Forty

Now

The day after I visit Ellie and Diana, Dad’s at work. I slip on my bunny slippers, grab the picture of Mom and me, and head straight to my pottery room.

My hands shake a little, but I ignore it. I fight through it as I set the picture down so it’s facing my wheel. “I’m getting this back for me, Mom. I’m doing it for you.”

I’m on autopilot as I get everything together. It’s as though I blink and then I’m sitting in front of my potter wheel. Wetting my hands in a bowl, I touch the clay as it spins round and rough. I savor the feel of it on my fingers and let my mind free the way I always do when I create.

My movements are natural. A part of me that will always be there because Mom helped me find it. I mold and sculpt. Each movement of my hand and easy spin of the wheel is my fight. My way to get my life back. My way to create my own piece of beautiful.

…

Christian comes home on New Years Day. Stalker-ish, I know, but I’ve been watching for their car. I should probably give him some time to rest or unpack, but I can’t stop myself from going straight over. He cocks his head at me when he sees me coming and leans in the doorway.

“Are you here for my mom?” There’s no real anger in his voice, but I can tell he’s upset. I respect that he’s not the type of person who is going to continue to chase someone when they’ve cut him off at every corner, like I did.

“No,” I tell him. “I’m here for you. Can you come with me somewhere?”

“Brynn—”

“Please. It’s important.”

He nods and turns to tell Brenda he’ll be right back.

“Is that Brynn?” she asks, and I smile at the sound of her accent. I missed her.

“Yeah,” Christian says. When his mom comes out, Christian heads to my car as though he’s giving us time.

“I heard that you spoke to Valerie about Emery, mija. I’m very proud of you.”

Stepping forward, I wrap my arms around her and give her a hug. Brenda squeezes back. I know that if I ever need to talk, she’ll be there.

“It took a lot of bravery for you to come forward like you did. The right thing. It’s not always the easy thing to do, but you did it. I hope you’re giving yourself credit for that,” she tells me.

After I pull away, I nod. “I am…and I have more to tell you. About Jason and everything else. Maybe we can talk soon?”

She puts a hand on my shoulder and grins. “I would be honored. Any time, okay? I’ll make you breakfast again and I’ll try not to burn your mouth this time.” Brenda winks.

“I’d love that.”

She nods toward Christian. “He’s waiting for you.”

Without another word, I climb into my car and Christian does the same. We drive to the park with the gazebo where he took me on our one and only date. And it was a date. I’ll admit that now. I hope someday, we can go on another one.

Christian sits on the table in the middle and puts his feet on the seat as I stand in front of him. No preparation. No warning. The words just come out of my mouth. “Jason is dead.”

His eyes widen, the shock evident on his face. “Shit. I’m sorry. I didn’t know. Are you okay?”

I think there are people in this world who are just good people, not perfect but good—and Christian is one of them.

“I’m trying to be. I will be. He had a girl with him. She was a minor. She’s gone, too.” I will always wonder about that girl. I don’t know her, but even though we’ve never met, she’ll own a piece of my heart. “Who knows if he was using her the way he used me. I think so, but we’ll never know. I can’t stop myself from wondering if I could have stopped it. If I could have been stronger, if I would have fought, if things could have ended differently for her. Even if I didn’t have a good case, more people would have known about it. It might have made that girl think twice.”