Author: Nyrae Dawn

“He told me I was beautiful. He called me his beautiful and it was so close to what Dad said about Mom that I thought it was destiny. How stupid is that?” I shrug. “I mean, there’s more to it. I was lonely and missing Mom. I guess I thought he could fill something in me that I’d lost.”

“You respect your parents. You love them. I think it’s normal to try to get what they have.”

“Not when you totally lose yourself in it.”

Like he always does, Christian speaks the truth. “No, not then.”

When I start to talk again, the words come out easier than I thought they would. Actually, it’s like they’re pushing their way out, tumbling and fighting one another to find their way out of my mouth. “He fed me lines and I fell for them. I can’t believe I fell for them. He said he had a bad home life and wasn’t supposed to date. We’d meet at what I thought was his brother’s house, which I later found out was his. He wanted me to keep our relationship a secret and I did… Only Ian had started dating someone else and, I don’t know, I didn’t want to feel left out, I guess, so I told them about Jason, but said I didn’t want anyone to meet him.”

The words are like acid on my tongue. They make me feel stupid. So incredibly stupid. Was I really the kind of girl who would fall for that? Who felt left out because everyone was dating someone other than me so I had to brag about Jason? Had to say I didn’t want anyone to meet him?

The thought makes me nauseous.

Am I any better now?

“I know you heard the rumors.”

“Like I said, I don’t give a shit about rumors. I want to hear it from you.” And then he pulls out his gummy bears and I reach in the bag and grab one. It’s silly. So silly, but it’s comforting. Somehow, it helps.

“I…I got pregnant. I thought he loved me. He was the only boy I’d ever been with.”

Christian’s features visibly tighten.

“When I told him, he wanted me to get rid of it and I couldn’t. There were never two people in the world who loved each other like Mom and Dad—and they tried for a baby forever, both before and after they adopted me. How could I get rid of mine? I’m all for a girl’s right to choose, but I wasn’t choosing. He was. And that’s when I found out who he really was. That he played for the Storm and he was twenty-three. But I didn’t know. I swear I didn’t know, Christian. Everyone thinks I did because I wouldn’t let them meet him, but I didn’t.”

He curses and pulls me to him. I let him hug me, take comfort in his arms as I cry. I hate all the tears I’ve shed since Mom died. She was all about happy, and that’s what she wanted for me. But the tears feel good right now, too. Almost cleansing, and I need to be cleansed of my past. Of Jason.

“He said he would tell everyone that I lied about my age. The crazy thing is, he didn’t even have to—they all just assumed it because I’d kept the relationship secret. No one asked me if I was telling the truth. My lies about not wanting anyone to meet Jason came back to haunt me. It just made everyone think I did lie to Jason and that I knew.”

Christian squeezes me tighter.

“Even my dad. He’s never said it, but I know he wonders. How can he think I would do something like that?”

I feel Christian shake his head from where my face is buried against him.

“This is one of those times I’m going to sound sexist, but I don’t think it’s that, Bryntastic. Your dad’s a guy. He feels like it was his job to protect you. I think he looks at you and thinks he failed.”

His words give me a kind of comfort I never would have expected. I don’t want Dad to think he failed me, but I don’t want him to doubt me, either.

“You think so?”

He nods.

“Is that how you feel? About your mom and Angelica?” The way his blue eyes darken is the only answer I need. “Christian, it wasn’t your fault.”

“I know that. I do. Sometimes it’s just hard.”

We sit there for a few minutes and I let him hold me. I know I should pull away, but I don’t. I can’t make myself and I don’t want to. I’m comfortable close to him. I deserve to be comfortable. To hug a boy or go out on a date or whatever else I want.

“Hey…I have an idea,” he says, breaking the silence. “It could maybe get us into a little trouble if we get caught, but I’m down if you are.”

My reflex is to say no, but I don’t. Because I don’t want to. Without even asking Christian his idea, I agree. We drive to a store, where Christian buys three eighteen packs of eggs. I’m feeling a little confused, but I go with it. Call me crazy, but I’m pretty sure egging will be involved and though I’m not sure what brought that on, I’m trying hard to go with the flow here.

It’s dark by now, but not too late. Christian drives, and I’m curious where we’re going, but when he stops on the side of the road, I realize the answer is in front of me.

A billboard.

With Jason’s face on it. The boy who overcame the hard past. The one who took so very many things away from me.

It’s crazy because I can’t even tell you if the sign is new or not. It’s one of those things people just don’t pay attention to. I’m not into baseball. It’s not something I would have looked for, and maybe Jason banked on that.

Anger pushes me to grab the eggs. I slam the car door behind me and storm closer to the sign. Christian’s behind me, but I don’t wait for him. In this moment I don’t care about anything but taking this one little step toward claiming my life back from Jason.

I set the eggs down, open the first package, and throw one as hard as I can. It smacks Jason right in the forehead.

It fires me up in the best possible way. Like happy energy pumping through me. So amazingly wonderful that I actually start to shake. Adrenaline surges through me as I throw egg after egg at Jason. Some of them miss, but it’s okay. In this, I’m beating him. I’m telling him how I feel.

I’m taking my life back.

There’s no fear of getting into trouble. It would be worth it because tonight, I will win. Tonight, Jason’s going down.

“Good shot,” Christian says as I lob another one.

When I pick up the last egg from the carton, I look at it. Look at Jason. “I’m taking my life back,” I tell him as I let the egg fly through the air toward his face. I know it’s not that easy. I know I won’t walk away from this night magically better, but my vow means something to me. It’s me opening the door toward the maze of finding my way back to my life.

As soon as the egg crashes against Jason’s face, I jump into Christian’s arms. He catches me and hugs me. When I start to laugh, he does, too. I feel so…free. I know I’m walking through that door and finding my way home again.

The laughter dies down and I look at him. We’re close. So very close that all I would have to do is lean forward to kiss him. To take another step. He said he wouldn’t try again and I know he won’t. Christian is always honest, so if I ever plan to kiss him, I’ll have to be the one to do it.

Yes, no, yes, no, yes, no.

My phone rings, making the decision for me. It’s Dad. I know it is, because no one else calls me. The moment is broken.

“I…I better get that. My dad will freak out.”

Christian nods and lets go of me. My feet hit the ground and I answer Dad’s call. Tell him I’m on my way home now and then hang up.

We’re walking back to the car in the dark when Christian stops me. “I’m sorry that happened to you. And thanks for telling me.”

I feel like I’m glowing. Think about kissing him again, but settle on saying, “Thanks for today. And the eggs. Thanks for everything, Christian. I wouldn’t be able to do any of this without you.”

He smiles as we continue walking back to the car and mutters, “Yes, you would.”

And I think maybe he could be right.

Chapter Thirty-Four

Now

It’s a couple days before Christmas break. Things have been kind of busy. My “date” with Christian was right before Thanksgiving. Christian, Brenda, and Sally went to spend a week with Sally’s family for the holiday, so I didn’t see him the whole time.

But we texted.

I don’t care that it’s silly to be excited about something so small, but I am. God, Dad used to tease me so much for my crazy texting skills before everything happened. Mom did too. It feels like another step toward claiming my life back.

I haven’t had any dreams about Jason. Things are still awkward and strained between Dad and me. I don’t know how to cross that bridge, but I think we’re getting better. We made Thanksgiving dinner together, which was a huge step for us. No sauce, but that’s okay. We had a turkey, potatoes, and all the other trimmings, and it almost felt like it used to.

The only thing off is Emery. She hasn’t been at the center as much. I tried to see if she wanted to hang out one time, but she said no. Which I guess shouldn’t mean anything. It’s not like she has to hang out with me; I just hoped she would want to. Hoped I didn’t make her mad when I bugged her about Max, but I must have. It wasn’t my business and I should have known that.

As I park my car at the center today, I’m determined to talk to her. To remind her that I trust her, the way no one trusted me. That I won’t bug her about Max anymore. She said she wouldn’t see him and she won’t.

That is, until halfway between my car and the center, I see his multicolored vehicle off to the side of the lot. My heart begins racing as I keep walking.

She promised.

Not my business.

What if he hurts her?

What if someone had stopped Jason from hurting me?

I can’t see him very well because he’s leaned so low in the seat, his car almost hidden. On reflex, I jog the rest of the way to the center. Emery isn’t in the main room. I keep checking, walking from room to room until I find her in the empty art room. She’s sitting in a chair, her feet up on another one, with her back to the door.

“Emery?” I close the door.

“Hey,” she replies.

“What are you doing?” I walk toward her. When I step up beside her, she looks at me. I gasp at the sight of her purpling eye.

“Oh! It’s nothing. I ran into the corner of an open cabinet in the kitchen. Can you believe that? My foster mom felt so bad for leaving it open while we were cooking.”

It sounds like the truth. I could see it happening. It did happen to Mom once. I was there. Dad was making sauce and left the cabinet open and she ran into it. He felt so bad and kissed it for her, telling her how sorry he was. How beautiful she was. His beautiful lady.

But there’s a sinking feeling in my gut that doesn’t feel right. It’s off. If there’s one thing Dad taught me, it was to trust my gut.

“You did that with your foster mom.”

“That’s what I just said, right?” She’s getting irritated and part of me wants to shut up, but I keep thinking about that car in the parking lot.

“You’re not seeing Max though, right? You said you weren’t seeing him.” There’s accusation in my voice and I know how I’d act if I were her, so I’m not surprised when she rolls her eyes at me.

“Yes, Mother. I’m not seeing him. I’m smart enough to keep away from someone after he hurt me.”

Though that’s not true, is it? Not that she’s not smart, but she’s seen him since he hurt her before. She saw him at the movies and to tell him the baby was a girl and who knows when else. Unless she means since he hurt her again.

“Don’t act like you’re perfect. Remember, I know you saw Jason, too.”

“But that wasn’t my choice! I didn’t meet him and I haven’t seen him since then. Max is outside right now. What did he do to you?” I reach for her, worried for her. I can’t take my focus off her black eye. He hit her. He had to have.