Author: Nyrae Dawn

I don’t expect the chuckle that jumps out. Then I continue to keep opening my mouth and speaking so she can’t tease me anymore. “There’s just this guy.”

“Sigh…isn’t there always a guy?” Emery asks.

I roll my eyes. “Not that kind of guy.” Though he used to be. Or I wanted him to be. “But he’s nice to me when most people aren’t anymore. Or I guess they don’t take the time to pay attention is a better way to word it. Anyway, he does. Did. And I was a bitch to him on more than one occasion. Today was worse than the others and when I saw him later, he was really upset. He kind of lost it and he’s usually so level.”

I don’t know when Emery came into the room earlier, but I still don’t tell her who I’m talking about. Still, she probably knows. It sort of feels like giving away something that’s his. Or at least his business to tell. He told me earlier that he doesn’t listen to gossip. Who knows if it’s true, but I figure if it is, I at least owe him this.

Emery puts a hand on her stomach and my eyes are briefly drawn there. “So he likes you or what? And you hurt him and he’s upset, so now you feel guilty?”

“No…he doesn’t like me. And I don’t think I hurt him, I was just a bitch to him. I don’t know if that’s why he had a bad day but—”

“Brynn,” she interrupts me. “I mean this in the best possible way, but not everything is about you. You might not be the reason he lost it, as you say.”

My cheeks heat when I realize she’s right. Christian sort of said the same thing to me earlier—that I make everything about me. “When you put it like that…”

“I’m not saying it is or isn’t the reason, but don’t beat yourself up too much unless you know it is, ya know? I’m pretty sure you’re a lot like me. And we have enough to worry about that we don’t need to create new reasons if we don’t have to.”

Again, she’s right. It makes so much sense when she says it that I wonder why I didn’t think of it on my own. “Still.” I look away from her. “That doesn’t mean it was right to treat him like crap.”

“True. I hear apologies go a long way.” She raises a brow.

“You’re being sarcastic,” I tell her.

“No, I’m being funny.”

So many more admissions beg to come out, but they’re locked in a lot tighter than this one was. Talking to Emery was a step, though.

No matter how small it is, it makes me smile.

Chapter Eighteen

Now

I decide to take Emery’s advice. I mean, for months I’ve been wishing I had friends to talk to, right? And now I kind of have Emery. If she had been Ellie or Diana, I would consider what they had to say, so I should do the same with her. Apologize to Christian. It shouldn’t be that hard.

Ha. Yeah, right.

On my way home, I stop by the store to grab some chocolate. I’m not a huge candy person but there are times in a girl’s life when we all need a little sugary energy.

I scan the candy aisle for a good three minutes before deciding on a king-size Twix. I’m going all-out today. Or stalling. There’s a possibility I’m doing that as well.

I’m almost to the end of the row when I spot the bag of gummy bears hanging from a peg. My hand lingers for a second before a voice in my head reminds me it’s a silly thing to stress over. If I’m going to apologize for being bitchy, there’s nothing wrong with getting him some gummy bears, too.

I’m able to go through the express line, so it takes no time at all to get through checkout. As I walk out the door, my eyes are glued onto my Twix wrapper as I try to open it. When a hand comes down on my shoulder, I jerk my head up.

“You should watch where you’re going, Red. You’ll run someone over.”

My fingers fumble with the package in my hand, my stomach going sour as though I ate too much chocolate when I haven’t had any yet. “Don’t call me that, Jason.”

I wait for him to try to stop me when I step around him, but he doesn’t.

“Sorry. Old habits die hard.”

For some reason, his statement makes me stop.

“Go to the side of the building with me. I just want to talk.”

Before the words leave his mouth, I’m already shaking my head. “No.”

He steps toward the edge of the store, brushing my arm with his as he does. “I just wanna talk with you, real quick. No one has to know. You’re not scared to talk to me, are you?”

“No,” I snap.

Jason sighs. “I’m going over there. I hope you come, but I won’t wait long.” And then he shrugs before walking down the sidewalk.

People move past me, in and out the door, as I watch Jason until he gets to the edge of the building. Watch him as he walks around the corner and out of sight. My hands tremble, but still I take a step forward, then another one.

I’m not stupid. In my head I know what’s going on here. A person can be smart enough to know when someone is playing her, but if your heart wants to believe it enough, that’s all that matters. Emotions are a powerful thing. Way stronger than knowledge or experience, because there’s always that hope. Hope that he’ll apologize and admit he lied. Hope that the warning in your head is wrong.

Hope is probably the most dangerous emotion we have.

Jason’s leaning against the wall toward the back of the building. I count my steps, forty-eight of them, until I stop in front of him.

“I miss you.” He reaches out to touch my hair, but I jerk my head back.

“No, you don’t.” Anger burns through me, singeing the palm of my hand, making me wish I had the courage to slap him. He’s a liar. Nothing out of his mouth is ever the truth. “You just called me—you were an asshole. And now you miss me?”

Jason’s arm falls to his side. He ignores my question. “Is your dad still freaking out about me? Does he still talk about me and stuff?”

“No. He’s over it. We’re both over it. We never even think about you.”

Jason frowns at that. “Well, I think about you.”

“Oh, God.” I shake my head. “I can’t believe you just said that.” How did I fall for him so easily before? I think it was hope again. Hope that what he said could be real and that he could love me. “You can’t trick my anymore.”

He studies me for a second, chewing on his bottom lip. “That sounds like a challenge.”

My heart speeds up. “It’s not. Like I said, I’m over you. You’d better leave me alone or I’ll tell someone. You’ll get in trouble for talking to me.”

Jason rolls his eyes. “No, you won’t. If you wanted to tell someone, you would have done it when I called. If you didn’t want to see me, you wouldn’t have come over here.”

The shell I tried to build around myself starts to crumble.

“You’ve always been like that. You pretend you don’t want something when you do so you can play nice little Brynn. I see you, though, Red. I always have. You miss me. Even if you hate yourself for it, you miss me.” There’s a calm, almost angry edge to his voice.

My eyes squeeze shut when Jason reaches out, pushing my hair behind my ear. By the time I open them again, he’s rounding the corner.

My stomach cramps and I lean against the wall. There’s something wrong with me. There has to be, because some of what he said was true. And the fact that I have no idea who the man is who just walked away from me. I have no idea who I am, for that matter. Maybe I don’t know anyone.

I pause at the trash can on the way back to my car. A second later I throw the gummy bears inside.

Chapter Nineteen

Early October

Now

Glancing at the speedometer, I see the needle edge closer and closer to 105 miles per hour. When something scary or exciting happens, people always say their hearts raced. I’ve said my heart has raced, but it’s not been anything compared to the rapid-fire rounds it’s shooting off right now. So fast I can’t even count the beats. So fast I can’t catch my breath. Jason’s always liked to drive fast. His car is his prized possession, but this is beyond fast. This is a death wish.

“Jason…” I manage to squeak out, but nothing else emerges.

Obviously he knows what I want because he says, “Relax, Red. I know what I’m doing. Let loose a little, huh?”

I nod, trying to do what he says, but I can’t help clutching the armrest. That’s one of the things I love most about Jason. He knows how to have fun. He likes to have fun with me, and if I can just make myself chill out and enjoy the way his car speeds around each turn, I’ll have fun, too.

Closing my eyes, I try to concentrate on my heart rate, willing it to slow down. Willing myself not to have a stupid heart attack. Jason’s dad taught him to drive and according to him, his dad’s a great driver. It’s the one thing they’ve always had in common…fast cars.

When a scream breaks through the car, I twist, a gasp caught in my throat when I see a baby in the backseat. Never, ever mention your heart can’t beat faster, because it can.

“Jason! Stop, slow down! There’s a baby in the backseat!” My hands beg to grab him, to jerk him until he listens to me, but I know I can’t. That will just make us wreck.

“Chill out. We’re fine. I told you, I know what I’m doing. The little guy likes it, don’t you?” He looks into the backseat, at who I know is our baby.

“Watch where you’re going!” I yell. Please make him stop. Please don’t let us crash. Please, please, please. It’s all I can think. I’m a mom; I’m supposed to protect my child. That’s what Mom always did with me. I don’t want to let her or my baby down.

Jason laughs. “You’re so funny, Red. Always freaking out. I got it under control.” His eyes rest on me and still not on the road.

Our baby cries again, and my frantic stare shifts to the perfect little boy strapped in the car seat. We shouldn’t be here. I should be taking care of him better than this.

“Look, Brynn. No hands.” Jason laughs again, lifting his palms from the steering wheel.

Nausea assaults me. “Stop. It’s not funny!”

“Oh, shit!” Jason shouts, grabbing the wheel and wrenching it to the left. I look up. It’s too late. We’re too late.

I scream as our car slams into a tree.

My eyes pop open. I gasp, then do it again, still not able to catch my breath. Part of me knows I’m in bed, but I can’t stop my eyes from darting around the room. From looking behind me to make sure there’s not a baby here. A little boy. I don’t know why, but I’d always thought it would be a girl.

I wobble as I get out of bed. I don’t feel like walking, but there’s no way I can lie back down. After that dream, I’m not sure I’ll ever be able to sleep again.

Trying to find my legs, I pace around the room, the dream playing on repeat in my head. I used to hate it when Jason drove fast, but he’d never gone that fast in the car with me. It was one of his many stupid hobbies. Guys, their fast cars and all that, but what if he had tried to go that fast with me? Would I have been strong enough to tell him no? Would he have laughed at me like Dream Jason did? I want to think no…that I wouldn’t have been with a guy capable of that kind of cruelty, but he showed me just how cruel he could be, didn’t he?

In this moment, I somehow hate him more than I ever have.

And I want to find a way to evict him from my life…from my head.

“Ugh!” I kick my bed. Mature, I know, but it’s all I can think to do. Hoping it’s not raining outside, I slip on my bunny slippers, put my coat on over my pajamas, and sneak out my bedroom door.

I didn’t take the time to look at the clock, but I know it’s late…or early, I should say. Maybe three or four in the morning. I can’t help but wonder if Dad will be pissed if he finds out I’m going outside at this time of night.