Author: Nyrae Dawn

“Brynn, wait.” Dad’s voice cracks, but it’s too late.

Without another word, I walk out of the kitchen, up the stairs, and straight for my room.

And to think, ten minutes ago, I’d actually been laughing. I’d actually felt normal. Somehow, I’d forgotten how bad everything is.

But now, I remember.

Chapter Fifteen

Before

“You and your mom are going shopping today, right?” Diana asks when we pull up in front of my house.

“Yep. Sorry I couldn’t go with you guys, but you know how Mom is with dances. She wants to go with just her and me.” Which honestly, I don’t mind. I mean, it would have been cool to go with Ellie and Diana, but I like spending time with her, too.

“It’s okay. You’re lucky she wants to go with you. My mom couldn’t care less.” Ellie frowns.

“That’s not true. She’s just busy right now. You’re way too cool for anyone to not want to hang out with you all the time.” I hug her, knowing how hard dealing with her parents is for her. They don’t spend time with her, or eat dinner with her every night like Mom and Dad do with me, or even Diana’s parents do with her. It’s like they have their own life and Ellie is just baggage.

Ellie squeeze me back. “Thanks, Brynn. You’re the best. I don’t know what I would do without you and D.”

“Friends for life.” D holds out her hand. I link a pinkie with her, and then Ellie does the same.

She’s always been super sentimental, though she only shows it with us. She’s also really tough, too. She makes herself hard so she doesn’t feel hung out to dry because of the way her parents pretty much ignore her, but Diana and I both know how important the people in her life are to her. She needs to know we’ll always be there.

“Always,” I say first.

“Always,” Diana adds.

Suddenly, Ellie looks toward the ground. “I have to tell you guys something, but you can’t say anything. Not that I don’t trust you, but I don’t want Kevin or Ian to know and tell Todd.”

I put a hand on her shoulder. “I’d never tell Ian something you didn’t want me to. You know you can trust us.”

Diana agrees with me.

After a few deep breaths, Ellie says, “I think I’m going to…you know, go all the way with Todd after the dance. I’m going to surprise him. It is a dance, after all. That’s what you’re supposed to do, right?” Ellie giggles.

“What?” My grip on her loosens and my eyes go wide.

“Oh my God! Maybe Kev and I will do it, too. I’ve been trying to hold him off. But I love him, and if you guys are going to… It’ll make the night perfect.” Diana bounces excitedly.

I don’t think I want to have sex with Ian. Not the way we break up and get back together. He’s never even told me he loves me.

They continue talking about it and I nod and agree, even though their words are fuzz. It would be kind of cool, though. The three of us losing our virginity the same night. Maybe it’ll even bring Ian and me closer together, so we can be more like Diana and Ellie are with their boyfriends.

“Now hurry up and go shopping, Brynn. You need to get a dress before all the good ones are gone.”

We all jump out of the car and hug good-bye before Ellie and Diana take off and I head inside. My body feels all electric. I can’t wait to go shopping with Mom. To find the perfect dress for the perfect dance and to maybe even take that next step with Ian.

“Hey. I’m home.” Walking into the living room, I see Mom sitting on the couch. “Are you ready to go?”

Looking over at me, she gives me a sad smile. “I’m not sure if today is the best day, kiddo.”

The buzzed feeling starts to dim. “What? You promised. There’s only a week left until the dance and you and Dad are going to be gone tomorrow.”

“We can go after. I’ll make sure I tell Dad we have to leave early for our mother/daughter shopping trip.”

“But I was going to stay at Diana’s tomorrow night, remember? Let’s just go now. It won’t take long.”

She knows how much I love dances. Diana, Ellie, and I have been making plans for this one for two months.

“I have a headache, and I’m feeling a little nauseous.” Mom shifts on the couch.

“I’ll grab you some Tylenol.”

I move toward the stairs but Mom stops me when she says, “We’re just going to have to wait, Brynn, okay? You’re being ridiculous.”

I flinch slightly. “Dude, you’re the one who wouldn’t let me go with Diana and Ellie. You don’t have to snap at me and make this my fault.”

She sighs before standing. “I’m not.” Mom grabs hold of the couch and leans on it. “I’m not trying to snap at you but I also don’t appreciate you getting so upset. It’s not a big deal. You know I would never let you end up without a dress for the dance.”

“I can call Diana and Ellie and go with them.”

“I want this to be something we do together. It’s not—”

“Don’t say it’s not a big deal again because it is to me. You know it. I don’t get why you won’t just let me go without you!”

This is a big night for me. Ian is driving us for the first time. We’re eating at a restaurant with all our friends, the first time we’re able to do things like this without our parents. And Ellie and Diana might have sex, and maybe I’ll decide I want to as well.

“Brynn…”

“Fine. Whatever. Make me wait.” I drop my backpack by the door. “Thanks for ruining my day.”

Without another word, I run past her, into the kitchen, and out to my pottery room.

It’s the last time I see Mom alive.

Chapter Sixteen

Now

Dad’s never been one to really tiptoe around anyone. He’s quiet, yes, but tiptoe, no. But the morning after our little incident with Christian, he’s definitely walking on eggshells around me. While I’m eating my bacon, I notice him watching me, a strange look on his face. He opens his mouth, closes it. Opens it, closes it, and then gives me that poor Brynn smile. The one that says, even though he thinks I lied about Jason, he feels sorry for me.

Mom definitely never would have done something like have sex with an older guy and then been stupid enough to get pregnant. But she did lose babies. A couple of them, both before and after they adopted me. The adoption almost didn’t go through, either. They fought so hard for me. It used to mean I was special, but I have no idea if it still does.

My head knows that’s stupid. Regardless, I know my dad and I know he loves me, but our heads and hearts don’t always travel the same wavelength. Sometimes they’re not even on the same frequency…like they’re a whole galaxy away from each other.

The rest of the morning, I can’t stop myself from wondering what he was going to say. When you speak, make it count. He’s told me that a million times. Make it count. Is that why he can’t speak? Maybe he’s still trying to figure out how to make it count.

When I get to school, there’s some crazy part of me that kind of expected—or hoped? No, not hoped because after last night, I’m done pretending. That few minutes with Christian didn’t make anything go away. Actually, it made it worse. But yeah…a part of me did kind of wonder if he’d be at my locker. Walk up to me sometime in the morning and offer me a gummy bear, but it doesn’t happen. I don’t even see him until after third period and of course, he’s with the crew, laughing and talking like nothing has changed.

Which is right, I guess. Nothing has changed, so why should he pretend it has? Still, it stings. Until the whole group of them walks by me, and he waves and winks at me. Then, it just pisses me off. Ian gives me one of his dirty looks. Todd and Kevin don’t notice the wink or anything else, but Ellie and Diana do, and I can see the questions in their eyes.

The second I walk into health class, I hear it. That tiny baby cry that has no business here. My eyes dart around the room, trying to see if anyone else looks as surprised by the sound as I do. To see if anyone else looks like they even hear it. For all I know, I’m going crazy.

But I’m not. At least, not yet.

Mrs. Mulligan stands in the back of the room with an electronic baby. She’s fiddling around with it, pushing all sorts of buttons while two girls from my class stand there giggling and trying to help her. They all think it’s funny that they can’t turn off this electronic baby, flipping it around while they try to shut it up, and all I can think about again is: I could have been a mom.

“Excuse me.” There’s a slight shove to my back as someone squeezes by, reminding me I’m trapped in the doorway like there’s some sort of invisible force field.

I suddenly feel like crying, but I can’t. Not here.

The bell rings, making me jump a little. Mrs. Mulligan finally gets the baby to be quiet and then looks up at me. “Come in, Brynn. Take your seat please.” She has this clueless, happy expression on her face and I want to yell at her. Tell her I had a baby inside me for seven weeks and lost it! Scream it at the top of my lungs, but then remember I’m still in high school. Too young to be a mom anyway, so do I even have a right to be mad about it? A right to feel cheated out of something I’m not ready for anyway?

One foot in front of the other, I make my feet keep moving. Make them carry me to my desk, because I have no other choices. I can’t run out of this room. Can’t give them something else to stare at, to whisper about me.

You can do it. You’ve made it this far. Keep going, keep going, keep going.

I never used to talk to myself before. Never used to have to chant to myself just to make it through, but now…now it’s all I have.

For forty-five minutes, my heart races, my stomach churns. Mrs. Mulligan is nothing but a muffled voice in the background, speaking in some foreign language that I don’t understand.

I’m pretty sure she’s talking about babies. Pretty sure we’re going to have to take turns carrying that doll around.

Pretty sure I’m going to lose it.

When the bell rings, it’s all I can do to grab my stuff before I run out of the room. Run down the hall, pushing my way through people like I haven’t since that first day I ran from Christian.

I hardly make it to the toilet before I heave. Before my breakfast and coffee and everything else in my stomach empties. The whole time I’m wondering what I’m doing. Why I’m losing it like this, but I can’t stop.

When I retch again and nothing else comes up, I flush and fall against the stall. It’s then I realize I didn’t even close the door. That it’s lunch and a miracle no one came in—unless they did and I didn’t notice.

Scrambling up, I push the door closed and lock it before putting down the toilet seat and falling onto it. It stinks in here, like it hasn’t been cleaned or something, but I still can’t make myself move. I don’t know if my legs will work. It’s obvious the rest of me is broken, so they probably are, too.

I just lost it over a doll. A freaking doll. I can’t stop thinking about it. I also can’t stop seeing it. Can’t stop wondering. Can’t stop remembering when I took the test. Remembering Jason telling me to get rid of our baby. The look on Dad’s face when the doctor told him what was happening. When the nurse asked about the pregnancy and I made him leave the room.

“Did you see Brynn De Luca’s face in class?” My eyes dart to the closed stall door. I hadn’t even heard anyone come in.

“It was like a freak-out. I thought she was going to blow at any second,” a girl says.

“It’s probably guilt. I’d feel guilty, too, if I got knocked up and then had an abortion.”