“Wow. Congratulations.” This was said by Cherry with extreme, catty surprise.

“Cherry, we’re trying to have a nice dinner.” I was going for diplomatic. I really did not want to have an incident. I needed a good night with friends, to relax, get drunk, pass out and face tomorrow’s horrors hungover. I’d only had one rum and diet, I needed at least six to facedown Cherry.

Cherry scanned the table and locked on Marianne, whose face was bright red.

“Marianne, lookin’ good,” she said.

I couldn’t help it, I slid my chair back threateningly.

“Cherry…” I began.

Cherry’s attention returned to me and her eyes were glittering cold.

“Just a little pointer, Indy, girl to girl, if you want that week with Lee to last into two. He likes it when you go down on him in the morning. He’s a f**king animal in bed but give him a morning BJ, he’ll return the favor and rock your world.”

Every muscle in my body froze solid.

“What did she just say?” Stevie asked.

“She did not just say that in front of me,” Kitty Sue said.

“Holy crap,” Dolores said.

“Oh… my… gawd,” Tod said.

“You f**king bitch,” Ally said.

“This is more like it,” Tex said.

I started to come out of my chair, intent on ripping Cherry’s face off, when the lady at the table behind us spoke.

“Excuse me, we’re trying to eat,” she told Cherry.

I looked at the lady. She was Kitty Sue’s age, hair died a stern brunette, petite and soft in the middle.

“Pipe down, you old bag. I’m having a conversation,” Cherry said to her.

Like I said, first class bitch.

The woman looked to her husband who was sitting across the table from her. “Did she just call me an old bag?”

He looked scared, Menopausal Martha had obviously been unleashed.

She looked back to Cherry. “You can’t call me an old bag. I’m only fifty-two. Fifty is the new forty,” she told Cherry.

“Old’s old, and you’re old,” Cherry told her and then turned to me. She opened her mouth to speak again when a pea flew through the air and settled in Cherry’s Farrah Fawcett locks.

Uh-oh.

This was not good.

Cherry felt it and started batting at her hair like she was being swarmed by killer bees.

Once the pea flew out, she turned to the older woman. “Did you just throw a pea at me?”

In answer, the woman picked another pea out of her fried rice and threw it at Cherry. It bounced off Cherry’s chin and landed on the floor.

“Food fight!” Tex boomed and I turned and shushed him.

“What going on here?” We all looked at Dragon Lady who was front of the house at Twin Dragons. She was absolutely cool, cool, cool, gorgeous, slim, her black hair always pinned back in an elegant bun and she was a top notch artist with eyeliner.

“Nothing,” I said, trying to be peacemaker and salvage the night so I could have more drinks and get to my sesame chicken.

“She called me an old bag,” the other lady said, foiling my plan.

Dragon Lady turned to Cherry. “Did you call her old bag?”

“She is an old bag. Jeesh, what’s the big f**kin’ deal?”

“That not nice,” Dragon Lady said.

“And! This table was minding their own business and she just walked up and started talking about…” the lady’s voice dropped to a whisper, “blow jobs.”

Dragon Lady’s turned to Cherry and her eyes narrowed frighteningly.

“You harass my customer with dirty talk? What you problem?” she asked.

Then, out of nowhere, a bowl of egg drop soup came flying through the air, the bowl collided with Cherry’s head, the soup dripping down her hair and shoulder.

We all turned to see Marianne standing and panting, her hands fists at her side.

“You slept with my husband!” Marianne screeched.

Oh Lord.

At this announcement, the lady Cherry insulted threw the whole plate of fried rice at Cherry and it scattered in little tiny bits everywhere. Cherry screeched at the top of her lungs then several more bowls of soup were hurled at Cherry (all of them by Tod and Stevie who were pretty good aims).

Then Marianne ran around the table and tackled Cherry and they went down, rolling, grunting and pulling hair. Ally and I tried to separate them while the lady who Cherry insulted jumped on top of all of us and we were wrapped up in the mayhem. Cherry’s two friends got caught in it mainly because we rolled into them and they toppled over like bowling pins.

I don’t really remember much after that except Dragon Lady screaming, “Help! Police!” and running away.

Cherry and me somehow ended the scuffle together, rolling around in soup and fried rice, kicking, biting and pulling hair when I was hauled up with two hands under my armpits.

I turned to see Tony Petrino, a uniform cop I knew, but not well. We’d seen each other at a couple of parties and once spent hours drunk in lawn chairs trying to decipher the hidden meaning to the words to Don McLean’s “American Pie”.

He dragged me straight out the front door and to the side of the restaurant where the parking lot was. Then he turned and unclipped the strap to his weapon..

“Back away, big guy,” he said to Tex.

“I’m with her. Bodyguard,” Tex replied.

Tony looked at me, eyebrows raised.

“It’s true, kinda,” I said, because it was. “Are you gonna arrest me?” I asked him.

He shook his head, “No f**king way. Your Dad and Malcolm would have a cow and I’m not arresting Lee Nightingale’s girlfriend. He’d have my balls. I like my balls where they are. Get in your car and get out of here.”

Tex and I didn’t wait around, this, as pertains to my current life, was a gift from the gods.

I thanked Tony, we got in the El Camino and we took off. Tex turned into the Sonic a few blocks down and we parked at a menu speaker.

I looked around. I loved Sonic. They were the only fast food restaurant I knew that served tater tots.

But Sonic was a franchise.

“Tex…”

“I know, I know. But I saw it on a commercial. I’m hungry and they bring food to your car. No one’s gonna let us in with you wearin’ wonton soup and fried rice.”