Then Daisy’s limo caused a sensation when we pul ed into the parking lot. Then Daisy caused a sensation when she alighted from the limo. It wasn’t the thing to wear a skintight, rhinestone-encrusted jumpsuit with high-heeled, platform boots to a haunted house in the middle of the country. People stared. They didn’t know if she was Dol y Parton, if she was a Dol y Parton impersonator or of she was some other important personage. Someone even approached her and asked her for her autograph.

“Wel , aren’t you sweet?” Daisy squealed on a tinkly bel laugh and signed the piece of paper and then, before handing it back she kissed it with her frosty pink lipstick.

Then, we found out there were no weapons al owed.

They tried to confiscate not only the stun guns but also the ful -blown gun Carl wore on his belt.

Then, when Carl flashed his badge—Carl was a police officer too—the big guy who seemed to be head of security got al policy on him. Carl got a hard look on his face, took him aside and they had words. Carl came back and said the worst eight words, for me, at that moment, in the English language. “We’re goin’ to the front of the line.” We walked in front of everyone to the front of the line.

Due to our situation they were giving us a wide berth.

Before letting us in, they were waiting longer between the party in front of us and keeping the party behind us wel back.

Carl had explained my stun gun to me. I had it shoved in the back of my cords under Hank’s sweatshirt. It didn’t feel comfortable there but I found I liked having it, even though I doubted I’d use it.

Indy, Al y, Daisy and Jet al carried one. They’d had only one extra and without a word, Jason took it and gave Annette a look. She pouted for a second then pretended she didn’t care.

“Al right, huddle,” Al y ordered.

We al went into a huddle.

“Everyone got a partner?” she asked.

Indy linked her arm with mine.

I looked at her and then my eyes swung, panicked, to Carl.

He gave me a “don’t worry” nod but I don’t think he got it.

I wasn’t worried that bad guys would shoot me. No one in their right mind would attack me here. There were hundreds of people al over the place and very stringent security.

No, I was worried that Indy would go berserk on me.

I didn’t have time to switch partners as Al y kept talking.

“No matter what, stay with your partner.”

Oh shit.

Shit, shit, shit.

“We al stick together. Someone gets caught or cornered, say by the hooded hangman or the crazy, bloody surgeon, we al go back and save them. Never leave a man behind. Got me?”

Oh shit!

Shit, shit, shit!

“Got me!” she shouted.

We al nodded.

“Repeat it.”

We al muttered, “Never leave a man behind.” She nodded to us, “Good.”

Then she linked arms with Carl and said to the ghoul,

“We’re ready.”

The doors creaked open and my heart started beating so hard, I could feel it in my throat.

Annette and Jason were partners, so were Daisy and Jet (with Daisy’s bodyguard trailing them). Indy was with me. Al y was with Carl. We entered in that order.

It was pretty cool; scary, but cool. They’d obviously put a lot of effort into it. Great monsters with fantastic makeup, good props, excel ent scenery, eery, scary, dark and the monsters popped out just in time to give you a thril . It wasn’t as bad as I thought. Indy and I were caught unawares a couple of times and we screamed, scooted forward, then giggled our asses off.

Then we hit the open area with hangman’s section and the character there swinging a noose in his hand like a lasso cottoned on immediately to the scaredy-cats in the bunch. He approached Indy and me and in a guttural voice whispered, “Ooo, I like these girlies.”

We both froze, standing stock-stil and staring at him and then we both screamed at the tops of our lungs. Carl and Al y saved us, pushing us forward in front of them, Al y laughing herself sil y.

We left some haunted caves and entered an open area that was a maze of cornfields.

“Oh shit,” I said, my heart starting to race again.

Indy had my arm in a vice-like hold and she was glancing around, ever vigilant, trying to prepare for the next scare (a wasted effort, these people knew what they were doing).

“What?” she asked.

“I don’t like cornfields.”

She stopped and stared at me.

“But you’re from Indiana,” she said.

Then, out of nowhere, the cornfields moved and Corn Husk Man jumped out at us. He swiped at us with hands made of dry, creepy husks. We both jumped back in sync, shrieked like raving lunatics and then Indy took off running, backwards, dragging me with her. We forged through Carl and Al y, knocking Al y on her ass. Indy was yel ing at the top of her lungs and I started laughing so hard, I couldn’t control it. Not only at Indy, but Al y going down on her ass. I was bent over with it, running doubled and trying at the same time to pul Indy back.

A monster caught us on the retreat and came out growling, Indy and I stopped dead then screeched like mad women, right in his face. I whirled her around, our arms stil locked and we went back the way we came.

We rocketed, stil screaming, by Carl, who’d fol owed us, then by Al y who’d gotten up. I slammed into Al y on the run and she went down, flat on her ass again.

I was giggling, looking behind, Indy dragging me forward and I shouted breathlessly, “Sorry!”

We both skirted Corn Husk Man and ran flat out, giggling and screaming, to the end of the corn maze. We stopped, doubled over, trying to catch our breath, holding on to each other but stil laughing. My ribs ached, just a little bit, but I didn’t care. I hadn’t laughed that hard in years and I didn’t remember the last time I’d had that much fun. We were in an open field, the front of our party was long gone. Al y and Carl would catch up, I was certain.

It couldn’t have been a second or maybe two later before we heard the chainsaw.

And I could say that there was nothing more terrifying, fake haunted trail or no, then being in an open field, in the dark, in the middle of nowhere and hearing the sound of a chainsaw.

Indy and I looked at each other, and, in unison, our heads moved and we looked over our shoulders at the chainsaw man who was coming toward us.

“Run!” I shouted.

At that point, it was every woman for herself.