Naomi leaned forward. “Her son.”

“She said she’s in counseling.”

She nodded, leaning back. “She is. I asked you earlier if I could reach out to her therapist. You both signed waivers so we could talk, and your mother has made progress as well. Great progress. I’m aware that your biological father was in counseling too, as was your half-sister.”

I nodded. “Yeah.”

“It’s an intense situation.”

I laughed, the sound hollow.

“I heard everything you said, but I don’t understand why you won’t ask your mother. I want to push you to do it, but I’m trying to respect you and meet you where you are, so help me. Help me understand.”

It was goddamn simple.

“Because if I do, I open that door to all the other demons in there, and I’m not ready. I’m not ready to hate my mom, and I know that’s what will happen. If I hate her, he wins. That piece of shit won’t ever win and get between my mom and me. I won’t let him. I won’t lose her.”

She drew in a breath, as if seeing me in a different light. She nodded. “Okay. I got it now.” Another slow bob of her head. “So when you’re ready, you’ll ask her. And Blaise, you won’t lose her. Ever.”

My throat swelled up. It was an irrational thought. I could recognize that, insight was a bitch, but it was there. I’d treated my mom like crap the last few months, but that would’ve been different.

I slumped further into my chair. “Or when she’s ready, she’ll tell me.”

“And until then—”

“He can’t win,” I told her again. “He doesn’t win.”

“Got it.”

“Good.”

Because that made one of us.

I didn’t get it. I didn’t know if I’d ever get it.

51

Aspen

I was excited, but sad and also nervous, all at the same time.

It was move-in weekend. That meant I’d found my dorm, and my room. I’d met my roommate and my floormates. I’d met my resident advisor. And even though I already knew the campus and had done a tour last fall, I got my schedule and walked through all the buildings. My parents were with me. Nate came too. But shortly after we arrived, he disappeared. He said he knew a few people who had remained local, so off he went.

He’d wanted to show me the house he used to live in when he went to Cain, but I already knew about it. It was now rented to Blaise’s brother, Bren, and their group of friends. They’d had a shindig there last night, and I knew Blaise had gone with Zeke, who—according to social media—had found out two days ago that he was attending Cain after all.

I wasn’t sure what had happened there, because I’d thought he was going here all along, but he seemed happy in his post. I was glad Blaise would have him here too. There were other pictures with both Blaise and Zeke in them, but I was trying not to think about it. Blaise had said he wouldn’t fuck anyone else, and I had no reason not to trust him, so I was trusting him.

I also knew he’d had a soccer match earlier today, and the girls were going to be a thing. Just going to the bathroom on campus, I’d overheard girls talking about the soccer team. “I know football is always a big deal,” one had said. “But I swear, we’ve never had that hottie on our soccer team before.”

Blaise had said he was a big deal in the sport at his other high school, and it only took an email for him to get into Cain because of soccer. I mean, I saw him play and he’d only been kicking the ball around by himself so I got it. I understood the excitement.

This was a preview of what was to come.

Nervousness, excitement, and sadness chased each other through me once again. Could I be overthinking things? Maybe.

I just missed him.

“So…” My roommate turned to me, a wide smile on her face.

I’d just come back up after goodbye hugs and kisses with my parents. Nate had texted that he was still around and would see me for brunch tomorrow before heading off, but until then, here I was. Back in my room. Saturday evening—nowhere to go and maybe a guy I should be calling, but I kinda wanted him to call me. But he didn’t know I was even here, so I was being a little irrational, and I didn’t care.

“So.” I smiled back at my roommate.

Her name was Jade, and she seemed super cool. Straight black hair that hung at her chin. Dark eyes. An angular shaped face that could’ve stepped off a Bravo television show. I knew some girls might’ve hated her, but I’d never been like that.

I’d been around models before, so I could instantly read who was going to be catty and insecure. Jade wasn’t like one of those girls. There was a laid-back aura about her.

Her closet door was open, and once I closed the door to the room behind me, she wheeled backward on her desk chair. She had a bottle of Jameson in one hand and a bottle of rum in the other. “What’s your drink of choice, roommate?”

Seriously. So awesome.

I smiled. “Rum and Coke, please.”

“Hell yeah!” She stood up, lifting the bottles over her head, and went to the fridge.

I went over and hit my playlist. “Settle Down” by Chaptabois filled the air, and soon both of us were bobbing our heads to the beat.

We were on our second round when someone knocked on our door.

“Come in!” Jade called.

The door opened, and two more girls I’d briefly met on our floor came in.

We introduced ourselves again. One was a shorter Latina girl, and that’s how she introduced herself. She stuck her hand out and said, “I’m Veronica, and I’m Latina. I have an accent, and I’m not going to tell you where my family is from, because I’m from Texas, and that’s it, girl. Got it? We’ll move forward from this, and all you need to know is that I’m a hella good time. Also, I don’t do nicknames. My name is Veronica. Not Ronnie. Not Rica. Not Ver. Veronica. Got it?”

“Got it.” I nodded and smiled. I liked this one already. “I’m Aspen.”

Then she melted. “Oh, man. One look and I know you’re the sweetest and shyest girl ever. You remind me of one of my sisters, Crystal. Heart of gold.”

Instant friends.

The other girl was her roommate, and she had sleek, reddish hair, blue eyes, and a ton of freckles. Hers was one of the most arresting faces I’d ever seen. Her name was Angeline.

“We heard the music and guessed you might be our kind of girls.” Veronica sat on my bed, since it was nearest.

“You want drinks?” Jade asked.

Veronica boomed, “Hell yes.”

Angeline cringed, but then shrugged. “College.”

“That’s right, girl.” Jade pointed over her shoulder since she was at the fridge already. “We’re in college, and classes don’t start till Monday.”

After Veronica got her drink, Angeline went back to their room to get herself a wine cooler. “I heard some girls in the hallway talking about a party on frat row,” she reported when she returned. “You guys want to go?”

Jade’s eyebrows went up. “A frat party? Our first night here?”

Veronica thrust her drink in the air. “HELL YEAH, BITCHES!”

Angeline giggled.

We’d learn soon enough that that’s what Angeline did. She sipped on her wine cooler and giggled, a lot.

Veronica boomed and said bitches a lot. I kinda loved it.

Jade was clearly our leader.

After another drink for each of us (and a new wine cooler for Angeline), we got ready to go. Jade went and found the girls who’d been talking about the party, and they included us in their group. We walked from campus to a street down on Cain’s frat row.

The whole block was packed, and it wasn’t just one party. There were a few of them going.

A part of me was like, What am I doing? I should go back to the room and call Blaise. I should tell him I’m here. But the other part of me was like, This is college. I should embrace this, and hell yeah to me for not just eavesdropping on a party for once.

I was a mixed bag this evening.

I should’ve brought a wine cooler of my own. Though Jade had us covered. She had the serious party/tomboy look going, including a backpack full of drinks, and she was pulling it off glamorously. No joke. She didn’t care how she looked, but she still looked good—tight tank top, tight shorts, sneakers, and a backpack.

I followed along toward the back of the group, because five more girls had attached to us when they learned we were all from the same dorm. Was this normal? I had no clue. But it was the first weekend, so the normal social rules might not apply.

We went past the first party to a bigger party.

I eyed a few of the guys on the front lawn because they looked so much like Zeke, they could’ve been twins. I mean, the faces were different, but the douchebag, bully/joker, preppy partier vibe was the same. They were throwing beanbags at a piece of wood with holes in the middle of it, and they were doing pretty well. They kept yelling, “Hole in one!” Then they’d cheer with their fists in the air and salute each other, downing an entire red cup of beer. Or I assumed it was beer. They’d done this three times by the time we got to their sidewalk.

Then I caught the end of what a girl in front of me was saying, “...he, like, moved from New York to California or something? I don’t know, but Columbia was supposed to have him on their team. Something happened, and we got him on ours. He’s a big deal, I’m telling you.”