“I thought you were just being nice, like you were trying to make me feel better.”

“I haven’t wanted to push you, so I left it alone.”

“Ah, fuck.” He presses his lips to my forehead. “I haven’t dealt with this very well, have I?”

“I know you’re stressed about the beginning of the season,” I whisper.

He fingers the ends of my hair. “I am. It’s more than that, though.”

I wait, because of course there’s more. He just has to figure out how to say it.

“I’m worried I can’t give you everything you deserve.”

I pull away so I can see his face. “What do you mean?”

His honey eyes are pained as he takes my hand in his, playing with my fingers. “I don’t know if I can give you what Miller and Sunny have, or Alex and Violet.”

“Whoa. That’s a big leap from our current situation. Why would you think that’s something I’m looking for, especially now?”

Randy shrugs. “Well, that’s kinda how this works, right? Like, you moved in with me, and eventually I’ll put a ring on your finger, and then we’ll do the family thing.”

“The family thing?”

Randy blows out a breath. “Like, have kids and stuff.”

“This is because of Sunny?”

“I don’t know. I guess?” He runs his hands over his thighs. “I mean, with Vi and Alex getting hitched, and now you and Sunny are up to your tits in wedding dress magazines, and there’s all this baby stuff, and then my dad showed up—”

“It freaked you out?”

He drops his head and nods, peeking up at me from under his lashes.

“Can I be honest with you?” I ask.

“Yeah. Of course.”

“It freaked me out, too.”

“Really? But you’re so into this stuff with Sunny.”

I pat his cheek. God, I love him. “That’s because it’s not my monkey or my circus. I get to do all the fun stuff, and it’s not my show. Sunny’s so happy and excited, and I’m happy and excited for her. But that doesn’t mean I want the same thing. I’m very content to be her maid of honor and Aunt Lily.” I lace our fingers together. “I hope I haven’t given you the impression that what they have is what I want.”

“Well, no, but you’ll want that eventually, right? What if I can’t do it?”

“Honestly, Randy, I have no idea what I’m going to want in the future. I do know that getting married doesn’t actually change how two people function in a relationship. Alex and Violet are still weirdos. As for the family thing, I’m only twenty-three. You’re only twenty-five. I have no desire to jump on the baby train with Sunny. I’m more than happy to have that experience from the outside right now.”

I pause for a second to gather myself. I’m relieved that this isn’t the discussion I thought it was going to be. “My mom and I struggled a lot financially when I was a kid. We made it through, but at times it sure wasn’t easy being the two of us. I want to make sure I don’t end up in a situation like that again, for any reason. You and I have years to figure things out, and those are decisions we’ll make together, when it’s time to make them. Maybe we’ll get married, maybe we won’t. We’ll see if we want kids at some point. Relationships are about sacrifice and compromise. Sometimes, to have the person you want, you have to give up ideals that are important only because society tells us they are. Does that make sense?”

“Yeah, I think so.”

“Good.” I put my hands on his shoulders and straddle his lap. “I love you.”

His smile is soft. “I love you, too. Sometimes I don’t know how to deal with it. I don’t want to be away from you when the season starts. Thinking about it makes me edgy.”

“Same.”

He smiles. “Why do we always have our important conversations in this truck?”

“The same reason we always end up having sex in bathrooms, I guess.”

He chuckles at that, but his eyes burn.

I kiss him, because those are all the words we need right now, and because I’m so thankful to see that heat.

12

RIBBONS

RANDY

 

Tomorrow is our last pre-season exhibition game. Training is going well. We have two new guys on the team: one’s a rookie they’ve moved up from the farm team, and one’s a trade from Philly. They’re both good players, and once they get used to the way we play, they’ll gel with us just fine.

In the locker room, Lance pulls a shirt over his head while I pack my duffle. “You coming out for a bit?” he asks.

In less than a week I’ll be on the road again to start the season. I want to go home to Lily, because my time with her is already running short, but it’s also important for me to spend time with my team off the ice. She knows this. I know this. It doesn’t make it easier, though.

“I’m going for one beer,” Miller says.

“I can do the same.”

Miller gets the battle in a way Lance doesn’t. Miller’s kid is actually due on the day of our first game, which is away. It kind of fucking sucks for him. We’re all hoping the kid either decides to make an early entrance or wants to stay in there a little longer, so one way or the other, his dad’s in Chicago for the big moment. As much as I’m not interested in joining the baby brigade anytime soon, I sure wouldn’t want to miss the occasion if Lily was in the same predicament. Which she isn’t. Thank fuck.

When we get to the bar, I message Lily to let her know I’m out with the guys for a bit. In response I get a smiley face and a thumbs up. She’s good about this kind of thing. I order a pint of beer and talk strategy with my teammates. Like usual, there are bunnies, but social media has made it pretty clear that I’m not on the market, so they leave me alone for the most part.

Waters is the first to leave, which I find odd because he’s the team captain and all, but maybe he’s got things going on at home I don’t know about.

About an hour into my time at the bar, I get a picture of our bedspread covered with clothes. Actually, it’s covered with bras and underwear. I’m pretty sure it’s Lily’s way of saying I should think about coming home soon.