"You really don't have to make excuses for falling for her," Lilly said. "I saw her. I saw that horse trailer."

Clay smiled. Dane had suggested that the horse trailer had filled Lilly with envy. Well, small wonder--he had loved that horse trailer himself. He could live in that trailer for the rest of his life and be happy, as long as there wasn't horseshit in it. He laughed at his thought.

"Funny?" Lilly asked.

"Not at all. Damn fine trailer, isn't it? The Sorenson family wipe their asses with hundred dollar bills."

"How delightful," she said.

"Her looks and possessions haven't brought her much comfort. She...Isabel...was always at odds with her parents, especially her father. She was either in ecstasy because he praised her or in a deep depression because he was disappointed in her. This had nothing to do with me for a long time. She liked me, she seduced me, I was pretty easy prey--I was lonely and I worked hard. She asked me to live with her and I wouldn't without her father's permission, which came grudgingly. She was the one who wanted to be married, though she wouldn't visit my family on the reservation or have them at our private wedding. She wouldn't take my name. There was a long history of terrible relationships in her past and I stupidly thought that was the reason she didn't want to make a big deal out of our marriage, but it went deeper. I slowly realized that marrying a Navajo challenged her father. That was the only way she could stand up to him or get his attention. When she wanted a divorce two years later I wasn't surprised at all. But she couldn't let go."

"Ah! And was she the only one who couldn't let go?" Lilly asked.

"Yes," he answered. "Yes, she sought me out sometimes, but I never went to her. That's one of the reasons this job and this move appealed to me so much--I really couldn't deal with Isabel's controlling nature, her sick relationship with her father, her manipulation of me. Lilly, I don't know what has made her the way she is--abuse, certainly. I can't explain why I was so involved with her--sucked right into the craziness, maybe. But I don't love Isabel. Now I'm not sure I ever did."

"But I heard you tell her you'd always love her!"

"Yes, I said that. If you'd just listened a second longer you would have heard the rest. I was telling her I'd always love her, care about her, but we had to move on, move away from the relationship we had, that I couldn't be there for her anymore. I had already told her there was a woman in my life. But she's always had a terrible fear of having love withdrawn from her. I was going to tell her I loved her enough to wish her well." He ground his teeth. "All that has changed now."

"Changed how?"

"I don't feel sorry for her anymore. I didn't realize how petty and selfish she could be. And why didn't I? The apple doesn't fall far from the tree. Her father is a horrible parent. Whether we like it or not, the people who raise us leave an indelible mark." He pulled Streak to a stop. He lifted Lilly's chin and turned her to face him. "Isabel is a sad and damaged woman, and I did my best to honor my commitment, Lilly. But that is far in my past. I love you."

"Are you sure?" she asked.

"Yes, absolutely. I'm sorry for the way she treated you. I can't say how she knew you were the woman in my life--"

Lilly laughed. "Somehow, women can just sense who their competition is."

"I can hear the horses think, but I never figured out women," he said. "I had no idea she was coming and I was telling her to go away in the nicest possible way. Once you ran from me I lost all my patience and told her to just get out of here."

"Why should I believe this, Clay?"

"There's a more urgent question," he said. "What happened to you to make you unwilling to believe me? To be tempted to throw away things that made you so happy, like our love, like Blue, like working with Annie? What the hell happened to you?"

"I just have so much pride--"

"Bullshit," he said. "Take a risk. See what happens when you let me in, tell me the truth. So, you had a rotten romance. You mentioned it once. Is that it?"

"Bad relationship," she said with a shrug. "Painful breakup..."

"So who hasn't? I told you about mine--one when I was a kid, one more recent than that," he said. "Maybe we're both due a break."

"You might find I'm at least as screwed up as Isabel, and where would that leave you?"

"Try me," he begged.

"It was very bad," she said by way of explanation. "I was young."

He laughed lightly. "Younger than sixteen?" he asked.

She turned and looked up at him. "Thirteen," she said.

After a moment of shock, he tightened his arm around her. "Honey. I'm sorry. That's just too young for a girl to go through something like that. At least you weren't made a mother."

"But...but yes, I was. At only thirteen, a virgin who had given it up to a bad boy of eighteen, pregnant, and he ran like a fox."

He was so still that Streak stopped walking. Clay leaned down and nuzzled his cheek against hers. "Your child?" he asked in a whisper.

She looked into her lap. "I lost the baby. Probably a blessing--I wasn't ready to be a mother, obviously."

"I'm sorry, sweetheart."

"And when you came along, I wasn't ready to risk a relationship again. I feel as if I'll never be ready."

"But you were just a girl then. You're a woman now," he reassured her.

"That's what Dane said. But talk about damaged!" she said.

"You'd be surprised how many people survive things like this and go on to make better lives. People have survived so much worse--consider our ancestors."

"God, I felt like a princess, that he'd chosen me, though I had no idea how many he'd chosen before and after me. When I told him I was pregnant, he said it couldn't be his." She laughed hollowly. "As if I'd had lovers! He was the first and only! My grandfather loaded his rifle and my boyfriend ran for his life--but he'd already left me for at least a couple of girls. At only thirteen, my reputation was toast. That's when my grandpa decided we had to move, to start over. There were so many times growing up I felt that I'd lost everything--when I realized my mother left me when I was weeks old, when my grandmother died and was never coming back, when my grandfather took me away from home to try to save me from myself. And the boyfriend, denying he had any feelings for me and running from my grandfather's rifle..." She turned her head and looked up at him. "I just didn't think I could go through all that again. That's why it was so hard for me to trust."

"I'm going to find a way to show you that I'm the exception."

Tears began to roll down her cheeks. "I meant to be strong--I hate weakness. I didn't want to cry in front of you."

He wiped away the tears with the pad of his thumb. "I want you to cry only in front of me."

"I have been so afraid to love anyone..."

"Of course you have, but that part of your life is in the past. And we have more important business. We have to move forward together now."

"What if love just isn't enough? What if we can't make it work?"

"Bull. We've made lots of things work," he said. "You know, one of the many reasons I couldn't be a successful husband to Isabel--she nurtured her pain. Silently. She never threw it out there and told me everything that happened to her and how she wanted to get past it--I was always fighting an invisible demon.

"So--we have our junk," he said to her. "I think one way to handle it--after we make love, when we're soft and vulnerable--we should talk. Hold each other and talk about things that bother us, worry us. I promise to be honest. I promise to be patient." He kissed her lips lightly, tenderly. Then he lifted her chin again so he could look into those haunting blue eyes. "Can you, Lilly? Can you try with me? Because I love you so much."

When she glanced away from him she saw that the Jensen Stables had come into view. She looked back. "I'm not sure," she said. "I'm still afraid."

"Of pain? Of unhappiness? Of finding your love not returned? Of being left all alone? What?"

Her mouth curved in a slight, painful smile. "Yes," she said.

He slowly closed in on her lips and covered them in a passionate kiss. Her arms found their way around him, pulling him close, her mouth moving under his. When their kiss broke, he smiled into her eyes.

"Well, my little sweetheart, be warned. I'm not giving up. I'm not letting you go. I love you, you love me and there's no way we can give up. Not now. In fact, I think we've been put through the hard times to get to this place--to find the good ones."

"I think you're probably just a fool," she told him. But she licked the taste of him off her lips and he laughed.

He nudged Streak into a nice, steady trot back to the clinic, holding her tight against him to keep her safe and warm.

Eighteen

Aiden Riordan had visited his brother, Colin, as promised, to assess his situation with the pain meds. To his enormous relief, everything seemed to be pretty manageable at the time. Oh, Colin was still quite uncomfortable and irritable, but as Aiden clearly witnessed he was doing fine with nonnarcotic pain meds, anti-inflammatory medication and lots of ice packs. His pals from his unit were available and helping him out; it all appeared to be under control. After a couple of days, Aiden left his brother in the care of his physical therapists.

A lot had happened in the three weeks since then-- Virgin River and the surrounding area had been through an earthquake with damage. Luckily, no severe injuries, just a few bumps and cuts. As for Aiden, he'd been concentrating on getting himself a doctoring job in Chico, California, where he'd be making his home with his fiancee, Erin. He'd had quite a few interviews with that purpose in mind. Honestly? Although he talked to Colin at least three times a week, he'd forgotten there was anything to worry about besides the length of his recovery.

But then a call came from the Columbus, Georgia police department. Colin Riordan had given Aiden's name as his contact. According to the police, Colin had been caught in a DEA sting on a local physician who wrote willy-nilly prescriptions for narcotic drugs. Or, maybe not so willy-nilly; Dr. Feelgood was a known dealer of prescription drugs and the DEA had been staking him out for a long time with the complete cooperation and assistance of the local police. The arrest went down just as Colin was leaving the doctor's office with a prescription for OxyContin in his grip.

Apparently Colin was no longer able to get his drugs from the Army doctor and had taken his habit downtown. The Army wasn't going to like that.

Word traveled fast in the Riordan family; the brothers were thicker than thieves. On this occasion, however, Aiden decided to act independently. He even talked it over with Erin. "He's in trouble, he's in pain, he's not healed yet. Nothing about this is going to go well. He needs help. I'm going alone," he told Erin. "I'm going to find him the best possible help--physical therapy along with rehab. And if he's not completely cooperative, I'm turning the family loose on him."

"Wow," she said. "Remind me to never mess with the Riordan boys."

"You know what? I bet he was onto me the last visit. He knew Patrick called us all and complained about the pain meds. He toughed it out for a few days and the second I was gone, he cut loose. Well, there's no getting out of this one."

"Sounds like you could be gone awhile," she said.

"Long enough to be sure he's committed. There's a really good place in Arizona, close enough for me to check on him."

"You planning to keep this from your brothers?" she asked.

"Oh, hell, no! Once Colin is pretty much locked up and in a program I'll call everyone, even my mother and George. But a family reunion right now? Colin might not go for that--in fact, it might not be the best thing for him. I don't want to push him too far. I want him off the drugs."

"I don't really feel like I know Colin," Erin said. "Your other brothers have been so easy to know, but Colin...well, he's fun like the others, but holds back in a way. He's the different one."

"He's not much fun right now, that's for sure," Aiden said. But he'd been caught by the police and there was no way out. He was na**d. Exposed. Fortunately for Colin, the judge had a son serving in Afghanistan. He released Colin to Aiden for treatment and suspended his sentence.

Aiden managed to get to Columbus quickly and without anyone else in the family knowing. He transported Colin to Tucson, but it wasn't easy. Aiden had the assistance of a little Valium to grease the skids; he wished he'd taken Patrick's panicked phone call several weeks ago more seriously. He wished he'd managed to see the real Colin during his own previous two-day visit. The guy was strung out on one of the most addictive prescription pain meds on the market. He'd been doubling up; his Army doc had given him something for sleep, completely unaware of the narcotic pain med. And Colin was still in pain--lots of things hurt.

Before they checked into the treatment center, Aiden confronted him one last time. "You want off this shit and a new start?" Aiden asked him.

"How? I can't sleep three hours in a row. My body hurts so bad it's unimaginable! You got any ideas that aren't going to kill me?"

"I know you aren't going to believe this for a good three weeks, but the answer is in getting off narcs and on the right meds. There will still be some pain, but most of what you've been feeling lately is your body's response to the absence of drugs. It's gonna get better, I promise."