So I break. I give in. I relent.

“Okay, Cameron,” I sigh, my words heavy as they leave my mouth.

“Okay, what?”

“Okay we can be friends.”

The intensity of his stare sears me. “Is that what you want?”

No! I want more. I want all of it. I want all of you. And I want you to want me, and my daughter! I yell, only he can’t hear me because it’s in my head.

“We have to try,” I whisper.

Cameron’s hand lingers a moment longer, a moment I wish would last forever, and then it drops to his side. “Okay. Friends.”

And then I see it. The look on his face. He wants more, too, and I can tell that it scares him. It scares me, too.

“Will I see you later?” he asks.

“I don’t know,” I reply honestly. “I have to go home and check on Ari before my class at eleven.”

He nods, saying, “I’ll walk you to your car.”

We’re about to leave when a tall, leggy blonde comes into the pool area. Her bleached blonde hair swishes with her hips as they sway, a little to vigorously if you ask me, from side to side.

“There you are,” she chimes, locking her gaze onto Cameron. I bristle, and then rebuke myself. I don’t know who this girl is and I shouldn’t care.

“Rachel, what do you want?” Cameron asks with annoyance.

“I came to see if you wanted to grab coffee,” she replies, coming to stand at Cameron’s side. She looks between the two of us.

“Not right now, I have to go shower,” Cameron lies.

Rachel grins and I can almost hear her purring. “Even better.”

Cameron rolls his eyes and then looks at me somewhat apologetic.

“Hey, don’t I know you from somewhere?” Rachel asks me. I take a good look at her, something about her face and blonde locks seem familiar. When it doesn’t ring a bell, I shrug. “No, I don’t think so.”

Feeling uncomfortable, I look back to Cameron. “I’m going to get going, but maybe I’ll see you later.”

“Okay, I’ll see you later, Hayley.”

I scurry out of there, unable to leave fast enough. Something about that girl felt off, and it had nothing to do with how she was touching Cameron. Although, that bothered me too.

“Friends,” I mutter to myself as I climb into my car. “We’re just friends.”

Chapter 11

~ Mid - November 2013 ~

~ Cameron ~

I release a sigh when I finally walk out of my last class for the week. Exhaustion is slowly creeping up on me and I have to stifle a yawn. I look around, watching people pass me by, noticing how quickly fall has arrived. I’ve been swimming a lot more and as much as I want to say it’s to improve, that would be a total lie. I don’t need improvement. I do it to stop thinking about her and the colossal mistake I’m making by agreeing to be friends. But in these past weeks, after Hayley and I came to our agreement, I’ve found that being just friends is so much harder. We see each other at lunch everyday, and sometimes she’ll be at our swim meets and practices with Hannah, but it feels like we’ve been avoiding each other. Maybe I have. Maybe I know being around her is too difficult when I have finally acknowledged that something has changed, yet again. Another switch has been flipped and now I’m stuck. Stuck between what I know, which has been sex and no feelings whatsoever, and what I wish I didn’t feel.

I’m walking past a grass patch, between the campus coffee shop and the library, when a familiar laugh stops me in my tracks. I turn quickly and immediately wish I hadn’t. Hayley and Hannah are sitting on a bench under a huge oak tree, sipping coffees and laughing about something. I walk a little closer, but stay far enough away so that neither of them would see me if they look my way. I’m just close enough so that I can hear bits of their conversation. I step out of the way of other students and watch her. She throws her head back and her glorious, sweet laugh fills the air. It travels, reaching me, pulling me to her. Her nose scrunches when Hannah says something and I chuckle. She’s so damn cute when she does that.

I take another step closer, catching more of their conversation. I’m curious to know what they’re talking about.

“Are you sure you can’t come?” Hayley whines. “It’ll be fun. We need a girl’s night out. We’re going to a bar, just outside of town.”

Hannah smiles, replying, “I would but I have a date.” She wriggles her eyebrows and Hayley slaps her lightly on the arm.

“You’re worse than a teenage boy,” Hayley remarks.

Hannah snorts. “What? We have needs, too, you know! You can’t tell me you won’t meet a hot-blooded man tonight, Hayls. Even moms need to get laid.”

Hannah bumps Hayley’s shoulder but Hayley smiles awkwardly and looks down. I clench my fist and mentally kick myself in the balls for being curious about their damn conversation. The idea of Hayley being with someone else, his hands on her body, his mouth on hers, shouldn’t upset me. But it does. It almost makes me violent. I turn around, ready to leave, when Hayley responds. “Han, how many times do I have to tell you, I want more than just one night of hot, suck-the-nails-out-of-the-wall sex. And you know my first experience with a guy after Ari wasn’t exactly the greatest.”

I wince, not only because of the resignation and disappointment in her voice, but because it’s me she’s talking about. Not wanting to hear another word, I walk away. My anger simmers just below the surface, a slow tormenting kind of self-loathing. I have no one else but myself to blame for how I handled the situation with Hayley. And now I’m paying for it, by settling for friendship when I know it’s not enough.

Since it’s Friday, I decide to skip the routine house party at Noah’s house and find myself walking into the bar just outside of town instead. I check my watch. It’s only six thirty, I doubt Hayley is here yet. I have no idea what the fuck I’m doing here, but I’m here. I walk up to the bar, order a beer and take a seat in a badly lit corner. The bar is dirty, and smells like sweat and stale beer. The lights are dim, giving a feint glow that illuminates some old hunting and football memorabilia on the walls. I check my watch again and as I look up, I see Hayley walk in, a blonde girl at her side who I assume is her friend. She’s already so out of place in a dump like this, especially when she looks the way she does. My eyes travel down her body as I watch her walk over to the bar. Her dark blue skinny jeans wrap around her legs like a second skin and show off her wide hips. Her body looks remarkable for someone who has a kid, I’ll give her that. She takes off her jacket, making her long brown hair bounce, and reveals a skintight black long sleeved V-neck shirt. It’s a simple outfit, finished off with a pair of brown cowboy boots, but it’s the way it fits her body that gets the attention of the guys, and older men, around her. I sit up and grind my teeth when a tall, lanky guy approaches Hayley and her friend. She smiles sweetly and shakes her head while taking a seat. I relax and finish off my beer. I feel like a creeper, watching Hayley from my spot in the dark corner, but it’s better than the alternative. That being that she ends up going home with one of these white trash assholes.

“Can I get you anything else?” A waitress stands next to me, leaning in a little too close when she grabs my empty beer bottle. Her tits graze my arm and she smiles at me with what I think is meant to be seduction. But it’s not working. Her perfume is overwhelming, she has too much make-up caked on her face and, well, she just isn’t doing it for me.