I nodded. “The only thing constant about that entire time was the phoenix tattoo. But then recently I remembered that one of the others was missing a toe. So it seems possible that I might be able to remember something about the third one.”

“It’s certainly possible. But the phoenix tattoo and the missing toe are both very distinct physical characteristics about two people that most people don’t have. What if this third person didn’t have a distinct characteristic like that?”

“Surely there must be something I could remember about him. I mean, he did have a low voice.”

“But you said yourself that you’re remembering this as a ten-year-old, and your voice was still prepubescent. So all we really know is that this guy’s voice was lower than the other two.”

“Don’t try to talk me out of this, Doc.”

She smiled. “Talon, I would never try to talk you out of anything. But I just want you to understand going in that there may not be anything distinct about the third guy. What are the chances that all three of these men have some distinguishing characteristic?”

“I’ve got to try. I’ve just got to.”

“All right. Would you like to try guided hypnosis again? I have to warn you, Talon, it won’t be like the last time. Last time we went back to a dream you had recently. This time I would have to take you back to when you were ten years old, to witness the horrors that actually took place. Are you ready for that?”

I closed my eyes and breathed in deeply. Slowly I let my breath out, willing my hands to unclench from the armchair. I had to do this. Maybe finding those fuckers wouldn’t heal me, but at least I’d know they were getting their just desserts. I opened my eyes and stared at Dr. Carmichael with all the intensity I could muster. “I’m sure. Let’s do it, Doc.”

 

Sometimes I dreamed about a beach. We didn’t go to the beach much, but I’d been a few times in both Florida and California. I’d seen both oceans. Nothing was more fun than the waves. Joe and Ryan and I used to love playing in the waves, getting our trucks filled with sand, yet still going back for more.

My mother would call out, “Ryan, don’t go in any farther!”

But my little brother was not to be left behind. He followed me everywhere. And I in turn followed Joe. The beach was fun. The sound of the waves, the smell of the sand, the coconut oil sunscreen, the fish. Sometimes I walked off by myself, looking for shells. Joe and Ryan weren’t interested in that, especially Joe. My big brother loved the water and stayed in it the entire time we were at the beach. Although Ryan wasn’t as drawn to the water as Joe was, he had no interest in collecting shells, so walking along the beach was the one place Ryan didn’t follow me. I liked being alone. My little brother got on my nerves most of the time.

Sometimes I would lie on my beach towel and just let the sun shine on my wet body.

As I was doing now.

I let the rays soak into me, let their warmth infuse me.

Had I ever been this relaxed before? Maybe when I was riding a horse. But not any other time.

Sometimes I wished we didn’t live in Colorado. The mountains were beautiful and I loved them, but there was something about the beach…

Until I was plucked from my beach towel.

“You ready for some action, boy?” the one with the low voice said.

“I’m hungry,” I squeaked out.

“We fed you, didn’t we, boy?”

I couldn’t remember the last time I’d eaten. I’d lost track. Sometimes the third one, the one who seemed more like a follower, the one who was missing a toe, brought me three meals a day. Other times he didn’t come at all. And even if he did, I often threw up what I ate.

“You be a good little pussy for us, and we’ll bring you a steak dinner.” Low Voice cackled in my ear. “Would you like that, boy? Big juicy steak dinner?”

I closed my eyes.

“Get him ready for me,” said another evil voice.

Tattoo. His voice was the slimiest, the most demonic, the most evil. If it had a color, it would be black with red splotches. That’s the color I imagined when I heard him speak, as if evil were speaking.

And of course it was evil speaking.

I had ceased thinking of these three people as human. No human could do what they did.

I was biding my time. How long would it be before they got tired of me, killed me, and chopped me into splintering pieces like they had done to Luke?

I hoped it would be soon.

“I’ll get him ready for you,” Low Voice said. “I’ll get him nice and lubed up.”

I trembled, my body quaking. I didn’t want to tremble, but my body did it of its own accord. It wasn’t like I didn’t know what was going to happen. Not like the first time, when they had completely surprised me, completely destroyed my belief in anything good in the world.

“Assume the position, bitch,” Low Voice said.

Assume the position. Those dreaded words. It meant to get on my hands and knees.

I braced for the pain. The inevitable pain.

But it wasn’t the pain I felt first. It was his hot, rank breath on the back of my neck. Raspy breath, wheezing, a timeless breeze as I waited, suspended, for the sharp pain that would soon come. Like a metal spike, it did come. And I cried out.

“That’s it, bitch. Yeah,” Low Voice groaned.

I detached. Like I always did. Although it wasn’t Tattoo, I always went to the bird. Colorful bird that I could focus on to get through the pain, the humiliation.

I had learned to see the bird on all of their forearms. And it helped.

So I focused on it, willing my mind to soar out of my body, like the phoenix rising from its ashes. Was the only way to get through it.

Though outside my body, I heard myself cry out.

They liked it when I cried out. If I didn’t, they would clock me upside the head or beat my ass. More pain, more humiliation. Still, I’d have given anything not to cry out, not to give them that satisfaction.

I was the little bitch they said I was. I couldn’t control my reactions.

God… God…

“No, no, no, no, no!”

 

I was back in Dr. Carmichael’s office, clenching the chair, perspiration emerging on my forehead and dripping down my cheeks.

Or was it tears?

“Easy, Talon,” she said in a soothing voice. “We don’t have to go back if you don’t want to.”