I want you to know that all my feelings for you were always real. Everything we shared was real. I understand you might doubt that now. You were never a part of my delusions. You were my only anchor. I always knew with you what was real and what I could trust. You saw the real me. I felt my best when I was with you.

I’m sorry this is a rambling mess. I’m still learning and still getting better. I’ll probably never be normal, but I’m sure I can be more normal than I was. The doctors are helping me and they’ll keep helping me after I leave. I promise to stay in treatment and on the right meds.

Physically I’m starting to feel better. I’m in physical therapy and still have some lingering pain but I’m not taking any pills for pain.

Fuck, I just ramble a lot now. I hope that gets better or I’m going to be annoying as fucking hell. I was hoping to still write songs after I left the band but now I’ll be writing songs with ten thousand words.

It’s time for me to go to group and share my feelings. I’m not kidding. I’m going to tell them I finally got up the guts to write to you. Maybe I’ll get a gold star.

I miss you, baby, so much I can’t even put into words. I’m going to call you when I feel a little less rambly and jumbled.

Thank you for not giving up on me and for always being everything I need. I hope you believe that and I hope you can someday let me show you how much I love you. I hope you’re okay and taking care of yourself. I don’t want you worrying about me all the time. I want you to be happy and feel safe and loved. I still want to give you everything in the world, but for now, we’re back where we once were and all I can give you is my love.

I love you like no tomorrow,

Evan

Chapter Sixty-Two

Evan.

First a crystal vase of beautiful exotic flowers arrived, and then two days later a letter came. Both from Evan.

I wonder what it means that he’s suddenly signing with his real name. Is the doctor forcing him to? Or is he doing it on his own?

Regardless, he’s reaching out and slowly letting me back in. I wouldn’t have minded if he rambled on in a letter of a hundred pages. All that matters is that he’s alive, he’s getting real help, and he sounds realistic and hopeful.

And he still loves me. He’s not giving up on us.

I needed to hear his words just as much as he needed mine.

I’m filling the vase with fresh water from the kitchen sink when my phone rings. I don’t recognize the number on the caller I.D. and almost don’t answer it, but I give in and pick it up on the fourth ring.

“Hello?”

I’m met with silence on the other end, but my heart already knows who it is. I can actually feel his nervousness buzzing through the line.

“I was just giving the flowers fresh water,” I say. “They’re beautiful. Thank you for such a nice surprise. I was having a bad day when they came, and it totally cheered me up.”

“Why were you having a bad day?”

God, his voice. It’s been almost three months since I’ve heard his sexy, gravelly voice, and it brings me back to the times we’d go years without talking, and when he’d finally call, my insides would quiver and quake at the sound of his voice. Just like they’re doing now.

I should keep the conversation casual.

No tears. No questions. No pressure.

“The usual stuff. I had to sit through five boring meetings at work and listen to people be assholes about unrealistic deadlines. Then my computer crashed and I lost what I was working on because it didn’t auto-save. It was just a yucky day. Getting surprise flowers from you turned my entire day around.”

“Oh yeah? Just like that?”

My fingers tighten around the phone when I catch a hint of his familiar teasing tone.

“Yup. Just like that,” I reply. “I got your letter a few days ago, too.”

“Did you need a decoder ring to decipher my non-stop rambling? Maybe an IV of Red Bull to keep yourself awake?”

“Nope. It was perfect, and it made me just as happy as the flowers did. Maybe even a little more.”

“Piper…” His voice fades into unspoken words.

I swallow hard and take a breath. I have to be strong. I cannot fall to pieces.

I keep talking so the silence doesn’t eat us up. “Lyric taught Mickey a bunch of tricks. He can sit up on his hind legs, he gives paw, he can roll over, he’ll walk backward, twirl, and dance.”

“She really taught him all that?”