He doesn’t say anything, instead choosing to remain silent and let my confession linger in the air.  His eyes are still closed, his body pulled tight, reminding me of the first time I met him.  Even all these years later, we’re still no further than we were the first time we met when it just took three words for me to be hooked.

I let out a choppy breath and fist my hands tight, letting the pain of my nails take away the urge to cry.  Gazing out the window, I beg myself to get it together.

I’m done crying over Maddox Locke.

“Chin up, buttercup.”  My chest hurts when I remember Coop’s thing for me.   He was constantly saying that to me when I was having a hard time.

I hear Maddox mumble under his breath and I turn my attention back to the driver’s seat.  He’s looking at me with an expression I’ve never seen on his face before.  I frown and let my eyes take in every inch of his face, attempting to place whatever he’s trying to tell me with his eyes.  I come up empty and sigh.  Why did I think I would get anywhere with this man?  I look away when he doesn’t speak.

“You were never nothing, Emmy.  Never nothing.  Not to me.  You’ve been everything for longer than I care to admit, but you deserved more than a poor bastard like me.”

I almost miss his words, but my eyes snap back to his and my jaw drops.

“For such a smart man, you really are clueless.  I never wanted anything but you.  What I deserved was you not pushing me away like yesterday’s trash.  What I deserved was you treating me like a human being with feelings and not to play games with my heart.”

“I never played games with you, Emmy.  I just tried to get you to recognize a lost cause.  I wouldn’t be able to live with hurting you.”

“Are you blind?!  Jesus, Maddox!  That’s all you ever did was hurt me.”  I laugh without humor.  Then I angrily swipe at the tear that sneaks past my demand to stay locked inside.  “I don’t want to talk about it right now.  Just drive to wherever the hell you’re determined to take me so I can get some sleep.  We can talk about it later before you take me back to Syn and head home.”

“I am home, Em,” he says under his breath.

I have no desire to argue with him, so I just lean my head against the glass and work on my strength to get past the next stage in his game.

Chapter 7—Maddox

I pull into the hotel, shut off the engine, and try to calm myself down.  I’ve worked for over a decade to keep my emotions sealed away, determined not to let anyone in while I deal with the stone-cold truth that I ruin everything and everyone.  I did exactly what she accused me of.  I pushed her away.  I was intentionally cruel to her by throwing other women in her face.  Women I had no real taste for at all.  Fillers, they were a means to a distraction.  Let’s face it—eleven years is a long fucking time to go without sex.

So I used them.  Paraded them in front of Emmy when the few social settings we were in deemed it worthy.  I’ll never forget the look of pure agony the first time I brought one of them around.  Daisy, a chick who knew that, when I called, all I needed was her to meet me at the local hotel and check in.  She did me a favor and played the part, but all I got out of it was the feeling of sinking in the middle of the ocean with no boat in sight.

She’s right; I played games to keep her from getting too close.

By trying to protect her, all I did was screw with her mind and hurt her anyway.

I look over at her sleeping form, and for the first time since we lost Coop and she ran, I allow myself to breathe without the fear holding me hostage.  I let go of the bone-crushing thought that she’s going to disappear and allow myself to feel.  It would be easy to take what she was so willing to give me.  To feel the blessing of her love shining on me.

With the floodgates open wide, I let the love I feel for this woman out.  It will bring me to my knees if I let it.  I don’t want to keep pushing her away, but how do you take something that has been integrated into your mind for so long go and move on?  How do you change your whole outlook on life with just a hope that everything you’ve ever experienced from those who should love you was wrong?

“Em?”

She doesn’t even flinch.  I remember that, when I saw her earlier, she looked exhausted.  I know she’s been dealing with a lot from losing Coop.  Hell, we all have, but the Emmy I know is always so full of life.

After twisting from my seat and climbing from the car, I make my way over to her door.  My leg has been driving me crazy this week, my stump getting sore from overuse, and I know I did too much with my stunt back at the club.  I’m usually good about not overdoing it.  I can go about my life almost the same as before, but sometimes, I have down moments.  This is quickly becoming one of those times.  All I want to do is get this thing off me.