When I looked back at the television, I was surprised their story was still going on.

“I’m going to bed,” I told Mel, standing up. “I’ve got a big day tomorrow.” Mostly, though, I needed to be away from the television. I didn’t like hearing one shred of information about Carter. Too many memories, and I’d done well up until this point to avoid them.

It was actually a must for my case.

“Night, Leah,” Mel called out to me as I disappeared inside my room.

Now this was my sanctuary. It was more of an office than a bedroom, filled with bookshelves complete with every book I loved, no matter the price, bought specifically to adorn these walls. My desk was huge, taking up practically one side of the room, and the surface was covered with magazines of every passion I’d taken up since being on my own without the baggage of relationships.

Aside from my attempt with Brett, of course. He’d been my first in two years, and let’s not discuss the events that transpired two years ago. I was still trying to forget it.

My magazines ranged from exercises, to investment opportunities, to photography. I’d done what I could throughout school to get my mind off Carter, trying hard to instil my independency, and mostly trying to convince myself that he was right all along. Love was overrated. It wasn’t real in the way I thought it was, and even though some men had caught my attention throughout the years, they never held my interest for long, or at least long enough to screw them.

I collapsed into bed and set my alarm on my cell phone. I was annoyed to find a text message already there.

Brett: Maybe I made a mistake.

I rolled my eyes.

Me: No, Brett, you didn’t. You’re right. I’ve done a huge injustice to you keeping that info to myself. I’m a treacherous liar and I don’t deserve you.

Ha, what a joke. Whatever, it would make him happy.

Truth was, I hadn’t necessarily lied to him about my past. I just didn’t find it relevant to bring up my sexual history, and it wasn’t like I asked. If Mel hadn’t accidentally spilled the beans a few days ago about Carter and me when he was around, I never would have known the guy had massive insecurities. That sort of manly complex was not attractive, at all.

Brett: It’s such a shame. I’ve just never met a girl with a fifty inch television and fabulous as fuck speaker system. It made gaming so wicked.

What the actual fuck?

Me: Take care, Brett.

And never contact me again!

*

“Leah.”

Nudge.

Nudge.

Was she seriously waking me up at this ungodly hour?

“Leah, wake up!”

I opened my eyes slowly, exhaustion plaguing me as I glared at her.

“Christ, Mel!” I hissed, tempted to shove her off the bed.

Until I saw her face.

Immediately, I sat up, recognizing the no-bullshit look on her. Her eyes were wide and frightful. She didn’t look like her normal giddy self, and I felt my heart plummet.

“What?” I whispered.

With trembling lips, she put a hand over mine and her eyes glistened. “It’s Carter. They… they say the jet he’s on is missing. It… it never landed.”

I couldn’t hear anything out of her mouth after that.

There was nothing but silence all around me.

This couldn’t be right. She wasn’t real. It was just another nightmare. How many of those had I had in the past few years?

“Leah,” she said loudly, shattering the peace. “Are you hearing me?”

“How long?” I asked her. “How long has it been missing?”

“The plane was meant to land thirty minutes ago. They’ve just aired it now. It’s made breaking news. There’s been no communication from the jet either.”

“What are they saying could have happened?”

She looked at me with exasperation. “I don’t know, Leah, that’s why you have to come and watch with me! Right now!”

*

It’s one of those moments in your life you don’t think you’re really living. It’s an out of body experience, and that’s what I was feeling, sitting on the couch with an untouched cup of coffee that’d gone cold in my hands. I stared numbly at the television screen, hardly able to concentrate on the moving images.

One minute it was missing, and the next there’d just been a plane crash. They wouldn’t explain what happened, if there were any survivors, how many people were onboard.

Nothing.

They’re not saying anything because they’re all dead.

I shook my head at the irrational thoughts and bit my lip hard. I didn’t want to cry, but the thought of Carter being at the bottom of the Hudson River killed me.

“Why the fuck do they call it news if it’s not even news?” Melanie barked from beside me, angrily texting on her phone.

She looked like a downright mess too. I knew she was texting Rome’s parents. They hadn’t picked up on her phone calls. Hell, they were probably getting a million of them at the moment, but Rome hadn’t boarded the flight. No one from the band except Carter had.

“I gotta go,” I muttered sometime later, staring absently at the clock.

Melanie looked at me in shock. “Are you serious? Your soulmate’s been in a plane crash and you want to go make your appointment with your piece of shit aunt?”

“He’s not my soulmate,” I whispered under my breath as I slowly stood up. My legs wobbled a little. My body hadn’t caught up with my brain, it would seem. The turmoil was so astounding, it was almost impossible to hold still.

“Sit back down, she can wait a while longer.”

“No. Look, I’ll be fine. They’ll be airing this shit on the radio –”

“For fuck’s sake, Leah, you can’t seriously be cold-hearted enough not to be by the television to see if they’ve found him–”

“Can’t you see?” I cut in, shouting at her. “I can’t handle sitting here and waiting for them to pull him out of the fucking water, Mel! You think I’m strong enough for that after everything? I’m dying right now.” My voice broke at the end as I turned away from her and bent down to catch my breath. I gripped the arm of the couch and shut my eyes.

It was all my fault.

None of this would have happened had I just…. Just what? Let him in?

Mel’s arms wrapped around me, and I sank into her embrace and cried.