Chapter Thirty-five

"Idinnado anything!" he bellowed yet again outside Maddy's door.

Maddy had gone from the lowest low to the highest high and back down again. When she'd caught sight of Ethan riding for Carillon, racing the coach, her heart had leapt. Then seeing him in the drive, clutching that license with his brows drawn - she'd been overcome.

But now..."Just go away!"

After all the heartaches and tragedies she'd endured, she thought this one hurt the worst. Why did she keep believing in him when he'd never given her any reason to?

"Damn it, I did go to the tavern and get a room. I admit that, but I could no' do it. I told them to stop!"

"So therewere two?" she cried, suddenly needing to vomit. She'd seen the evidence but had fought against believing he'd just been with not one but two women.

"Wait, wait, now, that sounds worse than it was - "

"You took two women upstairs to a private bedroom - or perhaps it was more than two?"

"But I dinnado anything with them."

"Of course not! You stopped their kisses at just below your navel. Most men see reason and make excellent judgments when a woman's mouth is just above their groin. Especially when they're drunk!"

"I could no' do it. For Christ's sake, I'll take you to the tavern and you can ask them." His tone turned bewildered when he said, "You've bloody ruined me for other women."

Though she fought it, for some reason she did believe that hehad stopped before he'd had sex withthem . But it didn't matter. "You are not even two weeks into our relationship, and you sound proud of yourself that you weren't unfaithful? What would happen if we were married for years?"

"Do you no' think you're getting ahead of yourself?"

"Oooh, you're amazing! I wish I'd never met you. I'm an idiot! How many times will it take for me to learn that you're a hateful man?"

And now she had to wait another two days for the posting coach.

"Fine. Have it your way."

She lay down, knees to her chest, having no idea how many hours passed, and still she cried. She heard him inside his room, pacing again and again before getting in bed.

How can he sleep through this...?

She heard bitter grumbling in Gaelic, then more pacing.

"Bugger this," he muttered, then directly outside the door, he said, "I canna sleep without you."

"Learn to."

"Even had I done something - which Idinna  - we're no' even bloody married yet."

Hateful."And you just ensured we never will be."

On the second night, Ethan could scarcely believe that he was pacing outside a woman's locked dooragain , asking to come in.

She'd bewitched him. Ach, he missed sleeping with her. And she had cried for hours last night, solely to agonize him, he was sure of it. To torture him for his unthinking words and actions.

She hadn't been able to see, but if one of his comments in their argument had been harsh, he'd cringed behind the door. When he fought, he fought to draw blood, and it was a hard habit to break - even though hurting her now hurthim .

He'd wanted to go to her so badly, but the way she'd looked at him before slamming the door in his face had kept him from pushing her.

Yet now...

"Enough of this, Maddy. You've punished me enough. I have a right to sleep with you."

"You forfeited any rights when you lusted for another woman. Excuse me,two women."

"I dinna lust for them."

"Of course not," she said, her tone dripping sarcasm.

"I was thinking of you, of touching you, the entire time."

"Do you have no shame?" she cried. "Youcretin !"

"Open the goddamned door."

"Never."

"Open it, or it's comin' down! You've seen me do it before."

"You wouldn't - "

He kicked at the door, almost bowing it in. He reared back to kick again, his leg shooting out...little witch...she'd opened the door -

He went hurtling into the room, skidding on the floor.

Chin up, she brushed her hands off, then stepped around him to saunter out of the room.

"Ah, damn it, lass," he called after her. "I've busted my stitches wide open."

"What?" she cried, hurrying back to him. "Let me see!"

"Ah-ha!" He snared her around the waist, dragging her down with him to his lap. "You still care for me!"

Her jaw dropped. "Unbelievable! You're cruel and twisted - "

"Then you're going to be the wife of a cruel and twisted man."

"The - hell - I - will." She balled her fists, about to pummel his chest.

"It'll hurt like the devil if you do that, but if it will get you to listen to me, then I give you free leave to it."

Lowering her fists, she scrambled to get away, gritting out a sound of frustration when he held her fast. "I'll let you go if you'll just listen to me for five minutes."

"Not a chance," she said, but he ignored her, rising with a hissed inhalation. Taking her elbow, he propelled her to the bed.

"Will it do any good to tell you again that I dinna do anythin'?"

Maddy crossed her arms over her chest as she sat on the edge of the bed. "Even if I believed that, it doesn't erase your intent. You set out with every intention to sleep with another woman - women!"

"Aye, I had every intention of sleeping with as many as I could," he admitted, making her gasp. "I'm no' a good man, Maddy." He began pacing. "Everyone who knows me thinks I'm a bastard of the worst sort. Even my brothers do," he said as he passed.

They do? How dare - She shook herself. She agreed with them!

"When I was younger, I went through a new woman each night. If they were married, even better. And if you took all the pleasure over those years and combined it, it would no' be the minutest fraction of what I feel like with you." He glanced over at her to gauge her reaction. "Because I need...morefrom you. And a realization like that scared me witless."

"Why?"

He ran his fingers through his hair. "Because what happens if you find out somethin' from my past that you canna abide and you leave me? Where does that leave me? I'll tell you - as good as dead."

Her lips parted.

"You're so beautiful.Too beautiful and brilliant. And when you're finally no' afraid and your memories of being hungry and anxious fade, you'll look at me and wonder what in the hell you've done to wed me."

Ethan appeared so...tormented that she couldn't speak.

"This is like a sickness I feel for you. Woman, you've got me tied up in knots. I doona know up from down anymore and can think of nothing but you."

He pulled a chair in front of her, then sank down, leaning his elbows on his knees. "If I see something interesting, my first thought is if you would find it so as well. Foods I like, I want you to taste. And all the while I'm wondering what the bloody hell is wrong with me to be like this. It's just...no'right . I havenever in my life wanted to put someone else's needs before my own like this."

She shook her head. "But this doesn't explain what you did - or why."

"Maddy, I dinna take a woman for a long time before you. For three years, I was...celibate. I was no' myself. And I'd vowed that if I got back to normal, I would glut myself. Then, with you, everything returned, and I thought...I thought thatnow having another would...Christ, I doona know,dilute this thing I feel for you. Make it ebb, but all my actions did was prove to me that I canna ever imagine myself with anyone other than you."

He looked so genuinely confused, sopanicked even, that she felt her anger easing. The man was falling in love with her.

Finally.

And she was embarrassed to admit it, but she was impressed that he'd stopped in the tavern. Of all the weird, bizarre, licentious scenes she'd witnessed in La Marais - she'dnever seen a man willfully break away before he'd reached completion.Still... "How would you feel if the situation was reversed? Two men kissing my body?"

He blanched and his fists clenched. "Murderous."

"What made you stop? With the women?"

"You said you would...you would fall in love with me if I was faithful." He looked away and muttered, "I want...I think I want you tae."

She raised her fingers to her temples to massage her aching head. "And Quin?"

He scowled. "What about Quin?"

"What could possibly have driven you to tell him we'd been intimate?"

"Oh, that," he said, then explained, "Dinna want him coming for you. I told him you weremine and he kept talkin' like there was something tae discuss."

She couldn't even imagine that conversation. "Are you sorry, Ethan?"

"You ken I doona believe in apologies. And in the end, Iwas faithful." He met her gaze as he said, "But, aye, Maddy, I am so sorry tae have hurt you."

He wanted absolution. He wanted...her. Badly.

Yet, was that enough? She couldn't keep doing this - being tricked into reaching for happiness, then having it snatched from her grasp. "I need to think about all this."

"Aye, of course." He rose, then frowned when she remained seated. "But can you no' think about it back in bed with me?"

She shot him a glare.

"I will no' do anythin'."

"You had two women kissing you just yesterday. Give me a bit of room to breathe, Ethan."

In the early hours of the morning, Ethan heard Maddy cry out, having a nightmare for the first time in several nights.

He ran for her, scooping her up into his arms. "Shh...shh, love. It's over." He rubbed his hand over her back, as he knew she liked. "There, lass. It's over." No more awkward pats - he'd gotten good at comforting her

By the time her tears had waned, she was in his lap, in the circle of his arms, her body boneless. Against her hair, he said, "Let me be here whenever you need me. Marry me in the morning."

After a long hesitation, she asked, "But how can I trust you?"

"Just give me one more chance. You will no' regret it."

At last, she gave a shaky nod. "If you vow to me that you'll be faithful, I will."

He cradled her face in his hands to meet her glinting eyes. "Maddy, I swear it. I'll be true to you."

"But, Ethan, I can't have my hopes crushed anymore. I promise you this is it, the last time I'll go through something like this. So please, don't hurt me again."

"I will no', love. I vow it." When he said the vow, he finallydid mean it - he would do everything in his power to spare her pain.

But he feared no matter what his intentions were now, his past wrongs would prove him a liar. The truth was destructive and would only hurt her more.

Which meant he had to ensure she could never find out.

Chapter Thirty-six

Oh, Lord, what am I doing? Maddy thought in the middle of her wedding ceremony. Was she really going to go through with this? If not, she had approximately two minutes to flee before she and Ethan were to repeat their vows.

As much as you've pushed for this, Maddy?Yes, but that had been before the last two days! Now she wasn't as sure about him....

The ceremony was being presided over by the village's registrar - Mr. Barnaby, a kindly older Scot, with a brogue not quite as thick as Ethan's - and everything so far felt dreamlike to her. She dimly heard the man say, "I have been appointed by the Registrar General to solemnize civil marriages in accordance with the law of Scotland. We are now assembled here in order that I may bind in marriage Ethan Ross MacCarrick and Madeleine Isobel Van Rowen...."

Thoughts warred in her mind, but she strove to make her expression placid. Ethan stood tensed beside her, watching her like a hawk, probably sensing she was tempted to run.

When she'd awakened this morning, the sorrow that had taken hold of her for the previous two days had been swept away, and the only thing left was pure, unadulterated...panic.

But why? Ethan was genuinely sorry for his actions, disaster had been averted, and he'd been so wonderful last night, stroking her hair until she'd fallen asleep. At last, she was going to be like one of those young wives in the boulangerie.

Am I doing something to leave myself vulnerable...?

She wanted to fan herself, to step outside of the close room and catch her breath. Her palms were wet around the small bouquet she clutched, and her corset chafed her. She irritably piped her lips to blow her short, cream-colored veil away from her face. Not only was she panicked, she must be paranoid as well, because she could have sworn that Ethan winced earlier when Barnaby had said her name.

Just before Ethan was to repeat his vows, she sneaked a glance up at him. His shoulders were back, and he appeared both proud to be with her and relieved. Then she saw him swallow hard. He was nervous, too, but here he was standing by her side, ready to pledge his life to her.

Naturally, people became anxious during their wedding ceremony. Everything was as it should be.

As he began to speak his vows, he gazed down at her, and the yearning in his eyes staggered her. His voice was deep and rough, but compelling when he said, "I, Ethan MacCarrick, vow tae love, honor, and respect you, Madeleine Van Rowen. I pledge tae be a faithful, honest, and devoted husband in good times and bad. This is my promise tae you today and for the rest of my life."

Oh, Ethan.And that was when she caught her breath for the first time that morning. A calm suffused her, and she stilled. Maddy had the sudden sense that everything in her life had been leading her to this moment, to this man - a proud, powerful Highlander who gazed at her with fierce, dark eyes and who gentled his touch, just for her.

Look at her....Ethan thought as she repeated her vows. How could he not do whatever was in his power to call her his own?

Intelligence shone in her bright blue eyes; she raised her chin proudly. Her nervousness this morning had been palpable, but she was still going through with this wedding.Brave lass, to take a chance on me .

What man wouldn't lie, steal, or kill to have her?

After their vows had been exchanged, Ethan made a silent promise to himself. He would begin tying up loose ends and covering his tracks immediately -

"Following the binding declaration which you have made before me," the registrar began, "I hereby pronounce that you, Ethan Ross MacCarrick, and you, Madeleine Isobel MacCarrick, are now husband and wife."

Relief.Ethan's hand found hers.

"Scot, we are both unclothed and in bed," Maddy said shortly after they'd arrived back at Carillon. "Is there any particular reason why you're stalling at this juncture?" He'd been kissing her senseless as they'd undressed each other, but then he'd stopped.

He gazed down at her. "I'm not stalling - I'm savoring. It's no' every day a man gets married, and this has been a long time coming."

"Do you think I'll be worth the wait?"

"Youwere the wait. If I dinna have you, I would no' marry. Besides, maybe you should be stalling. After this, there's no getting away from me."

She pressed her palm to his chest. His heart was thundering. "Are you nervous again?"

"Aye," he said with a solemn nod. "Apparently the last time I tried this, I dinna acquit myself so well."

She grinned. "But I'm confident you will now."

He smiled wickedly, leaning down to nip her breast. "Then, Maddy MacCarrick, let's get to consummatin' this marriage."

When she held her arms up to him, coaxing him to her body, he glanced the backs of his fingers down her belly. "So lovely," he said. "Are you nervous as well?"

"Truth?"

"Truth."

"I'm a bit terrified, Ethan."

"I'll go slow. You will no' hurt again."

She rolled her hips. "I hurt now."

"God knows I do, too." He gently cupped her between her legs, groaning when he slipped a finger inside her. "Aingeal, you have tae relax."

"I can't," she whispered miserably. "Maybe weshould wait longer? I think I've changed my mind."

He rested his forehead against hers. "Maddy, you will no' be more ready than you are now. The longer we wait, the worse your misgivings will be. I see that now."

"But you were so awful after the first time. I have this nightmare that once I give in, you'll get that cruel smirk and say hateful things. And then..."

"And then?"

"Then you'll leave me."

"Maddy lass, you're stuck with me. You will no' ever get away," he said, then no doubt trying to lighten her mood, he added, "But you best make it good, so there's no doubt."

She gasped, and he pulled her to her side to give her a light rap on her bottom, making her peal with laughter.

"You're shameless!" she said breathlessly, her eyes excited.

"Aye. But that's what you love about me."Ach, she dinna deny it. "Trust me, and I will no' let you down."

After what seemed like an eternity, she nodded and he comprehended that they were truly about to do this - he was about to take hiswife , for the first time in their married life. By God, he was going to make this so good for her.

She nibbled her lip. "Tell me what you want me to do."

Though he knew the agony he was inviting, he said, "I want you tae be on top." When she frowned, he added, "You can go as slow as you like. Take what you can of me inside you - at your own pace."

He rolled over so she lay atop him, making her nervously murmur, "Ethan?"

Running his hand down her back, he entered one, then two fingers into her sex from behind, groaning when she arched her back down. As he delved again and again, she spread her legs wider over his hips. "That's it."

As he tried to fit a third inside her, she moaned, leaning down to lick his lips.

"I'm going to take my fingers out," he grated. "And you're going tae be needin' something inside you." She whimpered as he removed them. "Just take my shaft" - he grasped her hand and wrapped it around him - "and put it inside you when you're ready."

With his hand on hers, he aimed the head at her entrance, hissing at the wetness he met, gritting his teeth against the pleasure. He ran it up and down her folds, then released her.

Panting, with her eyes heavy-lidded, she continued bringing the swollen tip up and back along her sex. Each time she lowered his cockhead directly to her entrance and they briefly had that tight connection - when he would just barely enter her - he had to fight not to flex his hips up.

When she rubbed him against her clitoris in languid circles, he nearly ejaculated against her there. With a will exceeding anything he'd ever called on before, he didn't thrust. He'd begun sweating from the battle, and her breasts rubbed against his slick chest as she writhed on him.

Torture. Pure and utter. She couldn't know what she was doing to him. "Put it inside, Maddy," he rasped. "I'll make you come hard with it." How much longer could he last till he tossed her to her back and slammed into her, bucking till he came?

Then he realized he could last as long as it took for her to do this, as long as she needed -

She eased the head in.

"That's it, lass," he growled low in his throat, knees falling open as she worked her lithe body on him. So he wouldn't be tempted to press her down, he gripped the headboard behind him. "That's my good wife." He shuddered with pleasure. "Ah, God...as deep as you can..."