He’d felt hollow.

Lost.

Alone.

He wasn’t sure when it happened, when Beth filled the empty spaces of his life. All he knew was that he was listless and bored without her, and the knowledge chewed away at his conscience.

He was an idiot. The one he was hurting most was himself. He was miserable, which was stupid because he knew how to fix this. Knew what he had to do to make this right.

“I’ve got to go,” Sam said with a sense of urgency.

“What are you going to do?”

“Talk to Beth. To explain.”

“Sam, are you nuts? It’s after ten. She’s probably asleep.”

Sam doubted that. He hadn’t slept well in two nights and he suspected she hadn’t, either. Without bothering to argue, he cut off the call, grabbed his jacket, and headed out the door. Filled with impatience now, he drove directly to the rehab center. Although it was closing in on eleven, Sam expected Beth would still be awake.

He was wrong.

The door to her room was closed, and when he carefully opened it, he found it dark inside.

He hesitated and then whispered, “Beth?” The light from the hallway bled inside the room and he could see she was lying on her side facing him, her eyes closed. Slowly, they opened. For an elongated moment, they stared at each other, saying nothing.

Beth spoke first in a soft whisper. “You don’t have to tell me.”

Sam came into the room and slowly released the door so it would close, encasing him in the darkness. It took a moment for his eyes to adjust to the lack of light. He actually preferred the anonymity of the dark. It would make it easier if she couldn’t see his face. Slipping into the chair next to her bed, he reached for her hand, claiming it between his own. Then, needing her to know how much she meant to him, he brought it to his mouth and kissed her palm.

“I’ve missed you,” she whispered.

“Missed you, too. Couldn’t stay away any longer.”

“You didn’t need to stay away.”

“I know. I was an idiot.” He kissed her hand again in apology. Then, drawing in a deep breath, he said, “I figure you deserve to know the truth. I met Trish when I was in my early twenties and knew almost immediately that she was my soulmate. I was crazy in love with her.”

“Sam, please, you don’t need to explain,” she said. “Trish? Who is Trish?” she added, clearly puzzled.

“Patience, babe.”

“Okay,” she whispered with a sigh so adorable it took all his restraint not to reach for her and kiss her senseless.

“Trish and I hit it off right away. She was divorced and a few years older than me. I thought I’d been in love before, but I’d never felt like I did with Trish.”

Beth’s hand tightened in his and Sam doubted she realized she was squeezing his fingers. Truth was, it would make him uncomfortable to hear about a man she’d once loved, and he didn’t expect it was any easier for her.

“We played Russian roulette with birth control and it was only a few months into the relationship that she told me she was pregnant.” This was the hard part and his chest tightened with the memory.

“You have a baby?”

“I’m getting to that.”

“Sorry,” she whispered.

“The pregnancy was something of a shock, but it shouldn’t have been. The more I thought about being a dad, the more excited I got.” He could feel it even now, the anticipation, the excitement. Being a typical man, he’d yearned for a son, but would have been happy with a daughter, too. “Right away I started buying baby toys,” he said, and paused because the memory brought up pain he longed to keep buried. Even speaking of that time in his life hurt, and he feared his voice betrayed him.

“Sam,” Beth whispered, “my hand. You’re hurting my hand.”

He immediately relaxed his grip. “Sorry, babe.” He hadn’t realized he’d tightened his hold.

“What happened?” she asked when he didn’t immediately pick up the story.

“I learned that Trish wasn’t divorced after all. She was still married and had only been separated from her husband.”

“Oh no.” The shock in her voice was a fraction of the blow he’d felt when he’d discovered the truth.

“If that wasn’t surprise enough, I then learned that the two of them had been discussing a reconciliation.”

“But—”

“I know,” he said, stopping her. “One of the reasons I was happy to learn about the pregnancy was that I’d felt Trish emotionally withdrawing from me. I didn’t want to lose her, and in my twisted thinking the baby was sure to keep us together.” What a fool he’d been.

“She told her husband about your affair?”

“Yes, and soon enough he learned about the pregnancy. As you can imagine, he wasn’t happy about it, but like me, he loved Trish, and he was willing to stay married.” Again he paused and swallowed against the tightness in his chest. “With one stipulation.” Sam inhaled sharply. “Ron, her husband, didn’t want Trish to have any link to me. He was afraid I would use the baby as an excuse to continue our relationship and the truth is he was right.”

He paused to let his words sink in. He wasn’t sure Beth understood what he was telling her.

“You really loved her, didn’t you?”

Beth had no idea. Sam would have died for Trish, and in some ways he had. For the last fourteen years he’d avoided relationships. He didn’t date, and found it hard to trust women.

“Yeah, I really loved her.” The words grated against his throat, making it difficult to speak.

“Oh Sam,” she said softly and pressed her hand to the side of his face, cupping his bearded jaw as if to ease the pain. Her gentleness touched him and he leaned into her hand and briefly closed his eyes. It took a moment before he was able to continue.

“Trish came to me in tears,” he said. “She wanted to save her marriage. In order to do that, I had to relinquish all rights to my child. She begged me, Beth, saying if I had any feelings toward her whatsoever that I would give up my child. She wanted me to stay completely out of both of their lives. That was the only way her husband would agree not to file for a divorce.”

Beth made a mewling sound, as if she understood the agony of his decision.

“Trish told me how much she loved her husband. She needed me to surrender all parental rights so the baby would be raised by her and Ron. So the three of them could be a family. I argued that I couldn’t, wouldn’t, do that. I vowed to take her to court and fight for my child and I meant every word. I wanted the baby to be mine in every way. Then Trish crumbled, sobbing and begging me to agree to Ron’s terms, but I insisted. And she said that even though it would kill her, she would give me the child to raise.

“The baby was a tiny fetus, but I already felt this incredible love. Knowing the importance of a mother, I wasn’t sure I had it in me to take him or her away from Trish. If I agreed to what Ron wanted, it meant that I would have no contact with Trish or my kid ever again.”

“So you agreed?”

It’d been the hardest decision of his life. Sam had seriously considered raising the child on his own, but he’d seen the struggle Rocco had caring for Kaylene only part-time and he realized how difficult it would be for him with an infant. He couldn’t bear what this would do to Trish, either. It was an impossible situation.

“Yes, I agreed,” he said simply, rather than review the angst of the decision.

“The baby’s name is Lucinda?” she asked.

He nodded and then realized she probably couldn’t see him. “Yes. I’ve only heard from Trish once since she reconciled with her husband, and that was shortly after the baby was born. She sent me a text message and said she’d had a girl and named her Lucinda Marie. Lucinda had been her grandmother’s name.”

“You’ve had no other contact since?”

“None.” It nearly killed him a little every time he thought about his daughter. “She’s thirteen now.” Hardly a day passed, even after all these years, when his daughter didn’t make her way into his thoughts. Her name was over his heart and it would remain there as long as he drew breath.