Chapter Twenty

I awoke in a tangled mess of limbs. William held me firmly against his body. I wiggled to free myself from his grip, but that caused something inside of him to awaken and he ground his hips into my backside, letting out a deep moan in my ear. I tried to pry his hands from my waist but his grip tightened and one of his hands trailed to my hip, gripping it firmly. My breathing grew unsteady and I knew if I didn’t get free from him soon I wouldn’t have will power. Will Power I laughed to myself. If he was ever a porn star that would suit him perfectly.

“William,” I whispered, but he didn’t respond. I reached over my shoulder and pushed against his chest. He squeezed tighter as his hips rubbed harder against me. “Stop it!” I struggled again to free my body and in a flash I was underneath him, my arms pinned above my head. William was struggling to catch his breath as he stared down at me. After a few deep breaths, he finally registered my look of anger and raised his body from mine.

“I’m sorry,” he said as he ran his hand through his messy hair. He backed his body off mine and collapsed beside me.

“It’s fine.” I sat up and quickly scanned the room for my jeans. I found them and began pulling them on as quickly as possible. He was sitting up as I buttoned them. What was I thinking? I really thought sleeping in the same bed with him wouldn’t end up this way?

“We don’t have a very… happy relationship I take it?” His eyes were on mine and I felt the increasing urge to flee. I couldn’t find the words to let him know exactly what I was feeling so, frustrated, I pulled my fingers through my knotted mess of hair and left the room.

I made my way to the kitchen to make a pot of coffee and rethink my plan to stay with him. He was fine now and outside of forgetting a few things, he seemed able to take care of himself. His hands rested on my shoulders and I jumped. I didn’t hear him come up behind me. He backed away at my reaction.

“I’m sorry.” He looked down at the ground before walking over to a cabinet and grabbing two coffee mugs. The only thing he seemed not to remember was me. My heart sank. I needed to get out of here as soon as possible.

I turned to fill our cups, careful not to stare at his naked chest as I poured. I found the sugar and dumped a healthy dose into my mug. I sat it down on the island and began to sip it slowly.

“Whatever I did to you… I’m sorry.”

I rolled my eyes at him. “You don’t even remember what you’re apologizing for.”

His face grew serious as he pondered that. “I hope I never remember. I don’t want to be that person.” He took another long sip from his mug.

I felt like the worst person in the world making him suffer for something he didn’t know he did, but I didn’t know if I could forgive him. Memory loss or not, it was him who lied to me and… possibly cheated on me. I swallowed the lump in my throat.

“You weren’t the person I thought you were.” All of the events of the past few days played through my head. I wanted to scream at him, to throw it in his face, but I just couldn’t. He had been through enough. Even so, I couldn’t forget that any of it happened.

“I need to go home today.” I tried to keep my tone cheery. He didn’t say anything.

“You won’t have a car. You can call me if you need anything.” I let my voice trail off. He sat his mug down with a strong thud and made his way back to his bedroom. He slammed the door loudly and I jumped, spilling my coffee.

“Shit!” I muttered as I grabbed the dishrag and cleaned the spill. I wanted to go after him. I was dying to wrap my arms around him and tell him I loved him. Instead, I threw the washcloth into the sink, grabbed my purse, and placed his phone on the counter. I looked around one last time before leaving the apartment.

Chapter Twenty-One

I was terrified to go back to my aunt’s house. I didn’t want to ever step foot inside of that place again, but I had nowhere else to go. I needed to take some time to deal with her death before figuring out what I want for the rest of my life.

The house was dark and quiet, which was not unusual, but now it felt so much emptier. I threw my purse on the table. I rummaged through the fridge for something hard to drink. I needed to forget.

I grabbed a bottle of cheap vodka from the shelf and a bottle of ice tea. I took several shots in quick succession before settling on the couch and finding an old rerun to watch. I glanced up at the pictures hung on the wall of Judy and my mother.

It wasn’t long before the warmth of the alcohol took over my body. I curled up in a ball and began to sob quietly until sleep took over my body.

My dream immediately went back to that moment in the cemetery.

I glanced over my shoulder looking for William. I find him in the arms of Allison. My heart cracks into a thousand jagged shards as he sweeps her into his embrace. I try to run for him, to scream his name but I can’t make a sound. I am forced to watch him locked in a loving embrace with this evil woman.

I sat straight up, sweat dampening my skin. I pushed my hair from my forehead, and tried desperately to steady my breathing. I stumbled into the kitchen in a daze, and grabbed the bottle of vodka from the fridge, taking a long pull from the bottle before coming up for air. I slumped into the chair at the kitchen table, bottle still in hand, as I gazed down the hallway.

I wanted someone, anyone to make me feel like I wasn’t completely alone in this world. I had no one. The man I had fallen in love with broke my heart and no longer remembered what we had in the first place. I was exhausted, emotionally as well as physically. I didn’t want to try anymore. Everything I touch broke. I let William into my heart and that had crumbled as well. I was cursed.

I took another drink from the bottle and sat it back in the fridge. I curled up on the couch and cried myself back to sleep.

When morning finally came, my head throbbed almost as much as my heart. I had no purpose. No class to attend. No job to fill the lonely empty hours. I was locked in emotional torment. My own personal hell. I let myself get caught up in William. His dangerous devil-may-care attitude. I allowed myself to throw caution to the wind. That wind turned out to be a tornado, sweeping me up in it until it was done toying with me before slamming me back to earth.

I trudged into the kitchen and began scanning the fridge for something to eat. I began preparing a fresh pot of coffee, which reminded me of William. Of course it did. Everything reminded me of him. He was all-consuming.

I decided on some frozen waffles. I needed to put something in my stomach besides liquor. Maybe later I could go to the store and stock the cupboards with some of the things I like. I still had a small amount of cash tucked away from the death of my parents. I didn’t like to use it. It was a nice cushion for a rainy day. That day had finally come.

I sat down and absentmindedly stabbed at my food with my fork. Maybe I could plan a trip to Michigan and just get away from this place for a while. All of my friends would be long gone, off to start their new lives after college. I sighed and took a small bite of my food.

My purse began to ring and I stuck my hand inside to fish out my phone. My stomach twisted in knots as I read the caller I.D. William the Conqueror flashed on the screen. I wanted to ignore him, but he may need my help. Reluctantly I swallowed my bite and answered the phone.

“Hey,” William’s voice was quiet and something seemed to be bothering him.

“Hey,” I replied, my voice cracking. “Everything okay?” I tried to force myself to sound chipper.

“Yeah, I guess. Just lonely around here. I was wondering if maybe you wanted to come by. We could go out for dinner or…” His voice trailed off and I realized I had been holding my breath.

“I have a lot of things to do today.” I looked around my empty place. Tears stung at my eyes and I squeezed them closed.

He sighed heavily into the receiver.

“Alright, I understand. I’m supposed to meet up with some woman later anyway. Angela I think her name was.”

I didn’t know it was possible for my heart to ache any more than it already was. I felt like I might actually die from a broken heart.

“You can’t!” My words came out more frantic than I intended. I took a deep breath and tried to sound more casual.

“She is your ex-girlfriend. You just… can’t.”

“My ex?”

“Someone you used to sleep with. You told her it was over and she wouldn’t accept it.” I sighed.

He laughed a little. “That explains why she was such a bitch.”

I laughed at his response and we both sat in silence for a moment.

“I won’t see her, Emma.”

I nodded to myself as the tears began to slide down my cheeks.

“I don’t want to keep you.”

He sounded as sad as I felt. I knew he was lonely and I should tell him he could go see whomever he wants. I couldn’t force myself to do it. Angela was no good for him and she would undoubtedly take full advantage of his weakened state.

“Bye, William.” I clicked the end call button before he responded. I told myself he would be fine without me. I didn’t know how I would be without him, but that didn’t matter anymore. No matter what he says or does now, he is still that same man I had fought with. He was hiding secrets from me. Secrets he couldn’t even recall. There were too many what ifs. I sat my fork down, my appetite completely lost.

Gut-wrenching sobs took over me as I let everything I had been feeling take over me completely. I was lost. William haunted my every thought and I was still unable to let my self grieve over my aunt. It was all too real. Her things sat just down the hall, untouched. I was afraid even to open the door as if she would still be there, only not there at all.

I grabbed a change of clothes from my bedroom and made my way into the bathroom. I needed a long hot shower to ease my mind. My tears mixed with the shower water as I scrubbed my body clean. I wiped away his scent from my skin, the lingering touch of his fingertips. I felt defeated. When the tears finally stopped coming I turned off the water and walked to my bedroom, and grabbed a tank top and a pair of jean shorts. I dressed quickly, not wanting to spend any more time back that hall than I needed to. I glanced across the hall to her room.

I picked up a book from the top of my dresser. I had read it a five times before, a western romance. The pages where torn and the spine cracked. I traipsed to the living room and began reading it again from the beginning. I knew if I stuck to it, it would be time for bed when I finished. Anything to make the time pass.

I tried to concentrate on the story that I already knew by heart, but I couldn’t stop thinking of him. I wanted answers. I wanted to know what he did with that woman and when. Not even he could answer my questions. I wish I had someone to talk to.

Maybe one day. Maybe if his memory returns he could tell me. I shook my head and flipped the page, my vision becoming to blurred by tears to make out the words on the page.

I looked over at the kitchen table, wondering if I should call him. He would have no problem comforting me. He would listen to me ramble on about my aunt and how much I missed her. I didn’t allow myself to give in to my impulses. I needed to forget him. It was a silly fling. All the talks of marriage and love where just part of the fantasy. In reality, William was a very sexy man with lots of money. He didn’t need me. I was damaged goods. I was needy and self-destructive.

My aunt. What did he mean that she was ‘like him’? She was cold and uncaring, sure, but not the type of person I could see strapping someone down on a device and spanking them. Oh, god. She knew him. She knew my William. I swallowed hard. He wasn’t mine anymore and who knew how many other women called him theirs. I felt like I was going to be sick.

Too many unanswered questions. I turned back to my book and began to read, forcing myself to fall into the love story about a cattle rancher and the daughter of a wealthy banker.

Chapter Twenty-Two