I collapse into a chair and hold my face in my hands, my elbows on my knees, and let the tears flow.

“Hey, what’s wrong, bean?”  I gasp and look up, and there’s my brother, Matt, in the doorway.  He’s called me string bean since we were kids.

I can’t speak to him.  Seeing his calm, kind face makes me cry harder, and before I know it, he’s kneeling before me and pulling me into a big hug, stroking my back.

“It’s okay.  Cry it out.”

I’m not a crier, but it feels like that’s all I’ve done over the past few weeks.  I don’t know what to do with all of these new emotions running through me.

Finally, the tears stop, and Matt hands me a box of Kleenex from a nearby table.

“What was that all about?” he asks as I blow my nose.  He sits in the chair beside me.

“I’ve been so worried about Natalie and the baby all day, and I’m exhausted, and I was mean to Nate on the phone, and I just love that baby so much, and I hate crying.”

Matt chuckles and strokes my back again.  “Hey, it’s okay.  Having babies is exhausting, even for the helpers.  Nat and Olivia are fine, Nate will get over it, and you just need to sleep.”

“Yeah, you’re right.”  I sit back and look over at my handsome brother.  Of all of us, he’s the only one with darker hair, but he’s as tall as my other brothers, and just as built.  He’s a Seattle cop, and he’s badass in a calm, controlled way.  He doesn’t have Caleb’s temper or Will’s arrogance.  He’s quiet.  But he will fuck you up if he needs to.

“What are you doing?” I ask.

“I was going to pop in and see the baby, say congratulations, and then head in to work.”

“Working night shift?” I ask.

“Yeah, I picked up some extra shifts.”  He stands and helps me to my feet.  “Feel better?”

“I do, thanks.  I’m going to go home and sleep off this weird mood.”

“Okay, drive safe, bean.”

“You too.”  I kiss his cheek and head for home.

***

My bed feels delicious.  And empty.  I settle in, ready to go to sleep early, and grab my phone.  Should I call Nate and apologize for being a raging bitch, or just text him and talk to him tomorrow?

I choose to text and think up a really nice way to apologize when I see him.

I’m home.  Baby and mom are healthy.

I lay back and start to drift when my phone pings.

Ok

Ok?  That’s it?  I frown.  This is not the Nate I know and have grown to love.  He’s pissed off at me, and when I think back to the way I spoke to him, I don’t blame him.  He was just worried about me, after all.

I decide to call him and apologize.  He answers on the second ring.

“Hello, Julianne.”  I don’t like the cold tone of his voice.

“Hi,” I murmur.

“Hi.”

“Nate, I’m sorry about earlier.  I really am.”

I hear him sigh, and I feel even more guilty, knowing how much stress he has on him over work, and I know I made him even more worried today, and hurt his feelings.  And I love him, I don’t want to hurt him.

“I think we need to discuss a few things tomorrow night.”  Oh, so apology not accepted.

“Okay,” I whisper and hear him sigh again.  “I miss you.”

“Do you.”

God, I really screwed up.

“Yes.”

Silence.

“Please say something.”

“What do you want me to say?” he asks.

“I don’t know.”  I feel tears threatening again, and I try to keep them out of my voice.  “I just don’t want you to be mad at me.”

“I’m not mad.  I’m disappointed and hurt, Julianne.  That’s twice that you’ve managed to hurt my feelings.”

“I didn’t want to hurt you, Nate.  Today was hard, and I didn’t know how to deal with it.”

“Like I said, we have some things to talk about tomorrow.  I’d rather we didn’t do it over the phone.  I need to see your face.”

“Why?”

“Because you’re too good at trying to hide what you’re feeling behind that badass persona of yours, but your eyes don’t lie.”

Holy shit.

“I am not lying to you, Nate.  I miss you and I’m sorry that I was a bitch today.”

“Don’t ever call yourself a bitch again.”  Jesus!  I can’t say anything right!

“I’m going to let you go, this isn’t getting us anywhere.  Do you need a ride from the airport tomorrow night?”

“No.”

“Are you going to come to my place?”

“No, come to my place after work.”

“I don’t have a key.”

“Yes you do.”

Huh?

“I do?”

“Yes, check your key ring.  I put it on there last weekend.”  His voice is softer now and I’m shocked.

“Oh.”

“I’ll see you tomorrow night.”

“Goodnight.”

“Goodnight, Julianne.”

Chapter Seventeen

This has been the day from hell.  I was late to work this morning, after sleeping like the dead last night and through my alarm.  Mrs. Glover was not pleased to see me this morning, but when I explained what happened, and showed her the photos of baby Olivia on my phone, she softened up a bit and said she understood.

Thank goodness.

Not that she’s my boss, but I do not want to make an enemy of her.

Nate has been in constant communication with me all day, sending emails requesting documents or research to be done, but nothing at all personal. As soon as I got to my office this morning, I opened the document I had Jenny email to Nate yesterday, and was stunned to see that Nate was right. It was half-done, and riddled with mistakes. It was not the final draft I’d finished, saved and attached to the email to go out to him. I don’t know what the fuck happened, but I hope that the extra work I’ve put in this morning has helped straighten the mess out.

I feel shitty for making Nate think that our relationship isn’t important to me.  Of course it is.  But there are times that he’s just so… bossy.  I know he’s a strong, intelligent man, and that he wants to protect me and care for me, but I’ve always been so fiercely independent, I forget that I’m no longer a “me” and part of a “we”.