Author: Nyrae Dawn

“If anyone could wash away my sins, it would be you,” he says.

Those words grind my heart to dust. “Adrian.”

He shakes his head, changes the subject. “I’ll introduce you to shower sex.”

He does and it’s wonderful. I’m achy in so many places, but it’s a good ache. A satisfied ache that I welcome. And then it’s over and I miss every part of it.

All too soon we’re packing our clothes to go home. There are a million reasons we have to go back. I can’t fake sick another night at work and Maddox is likely to lose it if I don’t come home. Adrian has a life to get back to as well. We have to go home so I can tell him and earn his forgiveness. But so badly I want to open my mouth and tell him Let’s stay. That I don’t want to go back.

“It’s back to the real world when we leave this room, Little Ghost.”

“You read my mind. I wish we could lock ourselves in here and never come out.”

He nods as though he agrees and kisses me on the forehead. Without the words, I know what he’s saying. What he’s thinking. There are no promises when we leave. Especially once he learns the truth.

* * *

Adrian pulls up next to his car at my apartment complex. Maddox’s motorcycle is here and I can honestly see him coming down and taking another shot at Adrian. Even though Adrian gets it, I don’t think he would be so understanding a second time.

“I’d invite you up, but…”

“Yeah. I’m a little too tired to fight your brother today.”

We get out of the car. Adrian tosses his bag into the passenger seat and I stand on the sidewalk, waiting, unsure of what to do or where we are. He looks at me and I think he’s wondering the same thing. Finally a partial smile teases his kissable lips and he says, “Come here.” Only he’s walking to me as he says it. Our mouths meet perfectly as I stand on the curb and him in the parking lot.

I wish I could taste the caramel on his tongue. Savor the feel as he deepens the kiss and weaves his hand through my hair.

“What are you doing in the morning?” I ask him when we part. “I was thinking I could come over when I get off…” Because I need to talk to you. Because I’m telling you the truth.

“I don’t know.” He shrugs. “I’ll call you.”

He’s pulling away, but I won’t let him. I can’t. No matter what, I have to go to his house in the morning.

“I love you,” I tell him. “I really do.” It’s different saying it after sex, I think. I want him to know it had nothing to do with that and everything to do with him.

“You honor me,” he says before walking back to his car… and then he’s gone.

Maddox jerks me into his arms the second I walk through the door. He squeezes me so tight I can hardly breathe.

“Jesus Christ, don’t you ever do that to me again, Laney. You hear me? Fuck Dad, fuck Mom. You and me, okay? Don’t pull that disappearing shit again. We have to stick together.”

Guilt wraps its hand around me and squeezes, even tighter than my brother is. “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean for you to worry. I left you a note.”

At that he pulls away. “Fuck notes too. I don’t know that bastard and you write a letter telling me you’re leaving with him and then don’t answer your phone? Christ, I would never forgive myself if I let something happen to you.”

I shake my head and step in front of him when he tries to turn away. They’re so much alike and he doesn’t even know it. In another life, before my father, they would have been friends.

“I’m a grown woman, not your kid. Nothing happened. Adrian wouldn’t hurt me. I can’t help but think it would be a different story if you disappeared with some girl for a couple days.”

“First, when do I ever disappear with a girl? If I did, it sure as hell wouldn’t be with someone who had a family member six feet in the ground because of our father.” His words make my stomach turn. The apartment stinks like cigarettes and I realize he’s been smoking inside. Probably the whole time I’ve been gone.

“I’m sorry. Not for leaving, but I should have called you. It wasn’t okay for me to let you worry. But… it’s not your job to take care of me, Maddy. I’m a big girl. You need to realize that.”

The way his eyes narrow when he looks at me, I know something happened. Know there’s more to it than the fact that I disappeared with Adrian.

“The same way it isn’t your job to take responsibility for Mom? To feel responsible for her not giving a shit about anything except herself? To try and make things better for her when she’s the one who owes you?”

“What happened, Maddox?”

“She was never right to you. She was always jealous. What kind of mother is jealous of her own fucking daughter? She left you to find her bleeding on the bathroom floor. It should have been me. I should have had to deal with that and not you.”

My heart rate spikes. “What happened?” My voice comes out louder than I meant.

Maddox paces the living room now. “You’re just like me, little sister. You say I can’t let go and that I take responsibility, but what do you do? You take her abuse when she yells at you for saving her life and you take care of her and you try to help her and you drag us here to meet some guy who’s probably even more fucked up than we are. Or if he’s not now, he will be when he knows the truth.”

“Stop it!” I grab his arms to keep him still. “You’re trying to hurt me and that’s not okay. What happened to Mom?”

“She didn’t give a shit, what else? Her mandatory thirty days was up, so she left. She knows I don’t care about her, but she doesn’t call you, the one who is still trying to save her, but she called me.”

Flashes of her on that bathroom floor four years ago pop into my head. Of how she must have looked in that hallway on this new suicide attempt. How small she was in that hospital bed. “What happened?”

“I hung up on her.”

Oh my God. “Maddox! Where is she?”

He collapses onto the couch, elbows on his knees, hands in his hair, and sighs. “I tried not to fucking go, but I couldn’t help it. She’s at home. I saw her there, but I didn’t talk to her. I knew you’d be freaked out. There’s nothing we can do. She’s an adult. She’s home. Is that going to stop you from trying to save her?”

I feel the pull. She’s my mom and she just got out of the hospital after trying to kill herself.

And she called Maddox, not me. She told me she doesn’t want my help.

I fall onto the couch next to my brother. My best friend. “Why does she hate me?”

He curses. Wraps an arm around me. “I don’t know, but it’s her issue. I think it was just… Dad started to favor you and she took that as a slight. Then with everything that happened… Knowing that no matter how much she loved him, he obviously didn’t give a shit. I think it was easier to lash out at you, but that doesn’t make it fucking right. She’s your mom and it was always her job to love you.”

“I know…” And I do. I didn’t make him treat me differently. I didn’t make him lie, gamble. I didn’t put him in the car with another woman when he was driving that day.

“Laney… I’m sorry, my baby girl. Daddy loves you,” he told me as I stood next to the cell talking to him. Maddox was back in the corner, wouldn’t come near him, looking at him with angry eyes that haven’t left him ever since. And he didn’t even try to get Maddox to forgive him. Why didn’t he try?

“Delaney! Let’s go.” Mom grabs my hand and pulls me away.

“Why didn’t he try to get you to forgive him, Maddox? Why did he only ask me?”

Every muscle in my brother’s body stiffens. Things that should have clicked into place a long time ago start fitting together now.

“Why didn’t he ask you, Maddy? Why didn’t you ask the same questions I did?”

Why did he and Dad stop playing ball together before any of that happened… Maddox was angrier before that too… and that’s when Dad started getting closer to me.

“What are you doing, Delaney? Why are you spending so much time alone with your father? It’s not right, at your age. He should be with Maddox when he’s home. He doesn’t even play football with your brother anymore. You’re taking him away from your brother.”

“You knew…” whispers out of my mouth. “Didn’t you? Somehow you found out. You knew about the affairs. What about the gambling? Did you know about that too?” That his work trips weren’t work related. That he disappeared with the woman who would be in the car with him when he killed Adrian’s nephew. That there would be debts and secrets that would change all our lives.

Maddox jerks away from me. “He used to fucking take me with him when he gambled and I thought it was cool. That we’d go away and it was a secret you and Mom didn’t know. I didn’t realize there was anything wrong with it—it had been happening since I was a kid! But then things started getting worse and he would have to go more because he wasn’t winning. That’s the first time I realized something was wrong and then I met her.”

Oh my God. My brother met the woman?

“That was it. That’s when I knew it wasn’t okay, him screwing around on Mom. It felt like a lie to all of us. He fucking bribed me not to tell and I didn’t. Where would my college money come from? All I ever wanted was football, Laney.”

Oh my God, oh my God, oh my God.

“But he told me he was done. I couldn’t keep his fucking secrets anymore and he told me it stopped, but it didn’t. He started getting closer to you and then Mom started getting pissed at you, and I had to have fucking known it was still happening. I would have had to be stupid not to, but I kept my mouth shut. What if I would have told? Or threatened to tell? Would he have stopped? Would that kid still be alive? Would Mom have dealt better and not treated you like shit?”

It’s suddenly too much. A scream builds up inside me. “I hate this! I’m so tired of all the fucking lies and secrets!” Guilt and pain. “When will it end?”

“I’m sorry, Laney. So sorry I screwed up.” Maddox is moving toward the door. The pain in his voice slices through me. I grab his arm, barely getting it, but knowing if I don’t hold on, he’ll be gone.

“It’s not your fault! You were sixteen when everything happened. Younger even when you found out. You were a kid! It was Dad’s fault.” And Mom’s after.

“After I told you that, you still want to save me? First Mom, then Adrian, and now me? If you’re smart, you’ll leave us all the hell alone and save yourself.”

With that he pulls his arm out of my hand and slams the door.

I need to go find my brother…

I need to check on my mom…

I need to tell Adrian…

All I wanted to do was save us, one of us… and I probably just lost us all.

Chapter Twenty-One

~Adrian~

I’m sitting in the car with Oscar and a few other people wishing they would shut the fuck up. Each word they speak or each time they laugh it’s like someone shooting a BB gun at my head. It’s not killing me yet, just an annoying fucking ache that’s driving me insane. That eventually I think will kill me.

I need a distraction. To keep me busy and my mind off my ghost. After being in the hotel room, remembering how peaceful it felt, how much like a fucking home, they called and wanted to come over and I remembered that room and thought of my house and I wished like hell I could make it like that.

That my walls weren’t tinged with weed smoke and beer stains weren’t ground into my carpet. For the first time I wanted it to be my solace and the idea of people fucking in rooms and dancing on the floors made me sick.