It was my fault.

I should’ve realized how powerful my father was. I should’ve known our first plan wouldn’t be enough. But I hadn’t. I went there that day filled with arrogance that we would defeat Sachiel. Aumae paid the price. I held that belief in my heart for so long, until Kellan realized I blamed myself.

He kissed me in the shower, whispering, “She knew.” A kiss to the corner of my mouth.

I shook my head, but he said again, “She went that day knowing.”

No. I wouldn’t let him make me feel better about this.

He kissed my cheek, sliding his mouth to my throat. “She knew your father. We didn’t.”

“Damien did.”

“Damien’s an idiot.” His hand trailed down my back, curving into my waist. He trailed kisses down my arm. “Aumae loved you.”

I choked out a sob. That was the problem.

“She was here to protect you.”

I couldn’t keep my eyes open. His kisses were becoming intoxicating, and I leaned back against the wall, my hands moving to his hair as he knelt before me. He kissed my stomach, his hands framing my hips, holding me steady in front of him.

He said, “It was her decision.”

It should’ve been mine.

He stood and caught my face in his hands. He leaned over me, lifting my head so I had to look up at him. I still refused, closing my eyes. “Look at me.”

I didn’t.

“Shay.”

I did then, but I couldn’t hide the agony in me. I knew he was feeling it, like he’d been feeling my guilt since Aumae died. It’d been there, always inside of me, but I refused to put it in words. I refused to say anything because once I did, I knew what he would do. He would do this. Making me accept her passing. Making me accept her sacrifice, and thinking that, tears slipped out. They trailed down my face, camouflaged by the water in the shower.

My throat felt like it was rubbed raw on the inside. “She died because of me. She was the one good thing about all of this.”

The corner of his mouth lifted up. “What about me?”

I corrected, reaching out to rest a hand on his chest, “She was the second good thing that happened because of all this.”

“She loved you, but it was her decision. It wasn’t yours. You have to see that. She made the choice. She could’ve told us our plan wouldn’t work. She didn’t. She could’ve told us what she was planning. She didn’t. She chose, Shay. She did. She didn’t give you the choice. Do you get that?” He was whispering those words, his eyes searching mine, and I could feel his love. It was so strong, so powerful. It wanted to slip inside of me, warming all the pain I held, but I couldn’t let it. Not with this.

I shook my head. “Why?”

“Why what?”

“Why did this happen? Why now? Why not later when I was more powerful?”

He shook his head and pulled me into him. His hand cradled the back of my head, and I slid my arms around him. I hung onto him. He said, his words muffled against my hair as his head rested on top of mine, “I don’t know. We may never know.”

“But you have a guess?”

He stiffened, then relaxed as he answered, “Your powers were too strong for you to suppress. You couldn’t deny them any longer. If I were to guess, it’d be because of that. He wanted to get your powers before you were too powerful, and maybe you would’ve been able to fight him off. I don’t know, though. I don’t know if we’ll ever know.”

His answer shouldn’t have appeased me, but somehow it did. And over the next few months, the rest of his words had taken root inside of me. They helped heal the wounds from losing Aumae. Maybe it wasn’t completely Aumae either. Maybe it was the loss of everything. I’d been lying to myself before when I cast that spell. I was only six years old, but I didn’t want to accept who my parents were. They were evil and I couldn’t grow up with knowing them, seeing them, feeling them, but I also couldn’t leave. I would’ve had to leave Kellan, and even back then, I knew I couldn’t have done that. So I cast that spell and wiped out anything that would’ve reminded me about my parents, or the two demons that raised me.

I thought I could live like that. I couldn’t. Going through all of this, it was like I was becoming clean for the first time. All the lies, deceit, mystery, jealousy, everything bad that I had to endure because of what family I lived among—that was all gone.

And I mourned it. I shouldn’t have. I shouldn’t have missed Vespar, or Guiseppa. I did. I shouldn’t have even missed Matt, Leah, and Dylan. I did.

I should’ve been furious with Damien for betraying us. I wasn’t.

Everything was mixed up in my head, but the constant was Kellan. His love. His presence. Every time I felt that vacuum inside, of where I didn’t understand the world I was in any more, I reached out for him. He was always close by, and if he felt that same dark vortex in me, he’d appear from wherever he’d been. Once I touched him, I felt steadied. He grounded me. We were that tree once again, our roots strengthening with the other next to it.

That went on and on until one day, I didn’t miss Vespar, Giuseppa, Leah, Matt, Dylan, my old life. The anger, confusion, sadness was gone, and instead, I was able to realize why I missed them. That’d been my constant. It was what I knew, and now with the threat of my father gone and no more lies anymore, could look ahead now.

I assumed Damien was going through the same struggles as me, over what he did, until the day he must’ve worked through his own battles. He announced one morning that he was returning to his family. We were welcome to come. We were half-brother and sister, after all. I nodded, with no intention of seeking him out. I’d held on to my anger toward him for a few months, but it faded when Kellan reminded me Aumae wouldn’t want me to hate my last blood relative.