Author: C.J. Roberts

The dreams resurfaced in the weeks following Livvie’s kidnapping. I had dismissed them at the time. I knew I was conflicted over many things: My desire to move on with my life. My confusion over Rafiq’s increasing secrecy. The nagging sense of doubt over kidnapping Livvie. The fear I was becoming Narweh. The dreams intensified the more my feelings for Livvie had begun to develop. I denied it then. I see it now.

The nightmares I had after I left Livvie at the U.S.–Mexico border were some of the worst I have ever had. If you know anything about me—and we’ve well established you do—then you can perhaps imagine the horrors I had to choose from. The truth is, I don’t let these things, the horrors of my past, drag me under. Quite the contrary—for so very long, they fueled me. Considering what I’ve been through, I often think I’m very well adjusted. I can handle anything the world throws at me, but for someone who tries to plan his moves ahead of time, uncertainty about my future leaves me disturbed as nothing else.

I thought finding Livvie would give me certainty, but I was learning that happiness also presents new ways to suffer. Misery, I understand. Happiness is terrifying.

Also, Livvie’s words about “other shit” coming to the fore made sense to me. For the first time in my life I didn’t have anything to do. No one had any expectations of me. I had enough money to do anything and go anywhere, but I had no idea what I wanted to do or where I wanted to go. I had idle hands. My mind was the proverbial devil’s playground. It seemed as though everything I had kept tucked away in the dark recesses of my mind was escaping into my consciousness.

I breathed a deep sigh of relief when Reed left Spain and Livvie could finally come back to me. I still had the nightmares, but waking up to her warm body made it easier to come back from the anxiety.

***

It was October, and the weather was becoming unpredictable. On some nights it was the perfect excuse to spend hours in bed. Livvie and I fucked like rabbits—and a few other animals too.

Although Livvie’s presence brought me solace after a nightmare, I hated how weak it made me feel to accept it. Instead, I took to staying up after Livvie went to sleep. I slept while she was out in the world of the living. I still had the dreams, but I didn’t wake up to darkness.

All in all, things were good. Aside from the dreams, I didn’t have anything to complain about. However, I’d be lying if I told you I wasn’t beginning to get more than a little restless. Livvie had a job, she went to school and had friends. I didn’t have any of those things. Trust me, I wasn’t butt-hurt over it. I didn’t begrudge her those things. It was simply becoming obvious to me that my life was completely different from what I had known. What does a former kidnapper/murderer do in retirement?

After three weeks of idle hands, I decided to buy a car. I bought a 5-Series BMW. It wasn’t as sexy as the Lamborghini, but it did the trick. I could go for long drives and avoid my sterile hotel room. Even when I was out, I kept to myself. Having decided I would be staying in Barcelona indefinitely, I didn’t need or want to draw unnecessary attention toward myself. It was a huge risk just being with Livvie.

It didn’t take long for Livvie’s friends to realize something had changed. She’d all but abandoned them those first three weeks. She worked three nights a week and went to school Monday through Thursday. She spent most of her free time with me.

“So,” Livvie began as we sat down to eat the meal room service had brought up. “Remember when we said we’d take things one day at a time and figure out what we were going to tell people when the time came?” She bit into a piece of asparagus. I swallowed the chunk of steak in my mouth without chewing.

“Yes.”

“Well, I think we should start talking about it. Claudia and Rubi are starting to complain about the amount of time I’m not spending with them.” She smiled at me.

I stabbed a piece of broccoli like it owed me money.

“Why is it their business? You’re an adult. You don’t need their permission to see me.”

“Caleb,” she admonished. “They’re my friends. They’ve been there for me. If you’re going to fit into my life, you’re going to have to find a way to get to know my friends. I can’t keep coming over here every night. It’s exhausting. I have a life!”

“And aren’t you lucky? Good for you.” I shoveled food into my mouth and avoided her eyes. I didn’t know why I was so angry. She’d made a perfectly valid argument and I’d shit on it. Her smile quickly disappeared.

“You know what? How about I just quit my job?” she spat.

I looked up from my plate. Here we go…

“Livvie—”

“No!” She was on a roll. Her eyes screamed of crazy. “It’s perfect! I’ll leave school and cut my friends out of my life. Then you can have me all to yourself! You can keep me in your dark little room and fuck me stupid. You can own me. It’s what you want, isn’t it?”

My rage was a living, breathing monster in my gut and it fed on every word she’d said. I had no doubt she’d been waiting to say those words to me since the night we’d talked on her balcony. Did her words hurt? Yes. But they also excited me. My dick was hard and a familiar thrumming thudded in my ears. I wanted a fight. I needed a fight. I was sick and tired of playing nice. I AM NOT NICE!

I chewed my food slowly and with a smile on my face. I watched Livvie closely. She was trying hard not to crack under the pressure of my silence. Livvie could never handle it—still can’t. I could hear her breathing. Her eyes were narrowed onto my face. If I’d been some little boy her age, I might have worried for my safety. But I’d seen scary, and Livvie just didn’t fit the bill. She was too sweet, too sexy.

“Aren’t you going to fucking respond?” She was taunting me and enjoying it. Her chest rose and fell with gaining speed. I could make out the points of her nipples through her shirt.

I swallowed my food and sipped from my wine glass. I’d missed the familiarity of pushing Livvie’s buttons. I didn’t want to hurt her. I’d vowed not to hurt her again. It didn’t mean I had to become a pussy.

“You want a response, Kitten?” Fear flickered just behind her angry stare. She shivered before she could stop it. I took my napkin from my lap and set it on the table. Livvie watched me intently. “Here’s my response.”

I slid my arm across the table. Our plates, glasses, and silverware crashed onto the floor. I stood up just in time to catch Livvie’s arm as she leapt out of her chair and ran toward the door.

“Caleb, no!” she screamed. I put my hand across her mouth and hoisted her with one arm. Her legs kicked out at me viciously. Her teeth bit into my hand. Her nails dug into the flesh of my arm. The pain only spurred me on.

I pressed her body into the wall until she could barely move. She squirmed against me. You might hate me for it, but I loved every second. Then again, I knew I wasn’t going to hurt her—not really. Once I had her immobilized, I whispered into her ear.

“Don’t you think if that’s what I wanted, I wouldn’t just do it?” She whimpered. “It would be easier for me. You’d be mine in every way possible.” I rubbed my cock between the cheeks of her ass. I almost came in my pants when she groaned. She struggled, but she was barely trying.

“I could keep you chained to the bed. I’d fuck you every night and never let you come. Only good girls get to come, Kitten. Would you be a good girl for me?” I took my hand away from Livvie’s mouth and smoothed her hair back so I could see the side of her face.

“Fuck you. Let me go,” she panted. Her tone meant business, but her body language told another story. She moved against my cock.

We were in dangerous territory. I knew the situation could blow up in my face, but the thrill was too strong. I couldn’t resist. I pressed her deeper into the wall, until she gasped for breath. I planted soft kisses against her neck.

“I’ll let you go if you’re not wet,” I whispered into her ear.

She didn’t move. She didn’t speak.

“What, no response? Should I check?” My heart was racing. I was afraid of going too far. I was afraid I’d already gone too far and didn’t know how to come back. “Tell me to stop and I will. Tell me you don’t want me to pull your tights down and fuck you up against this wall. Remind me of what a terrible person I am. Tell me I’m a sick bastard and you want me out of your life forever.”

Livvie screwed her eyes shut. Her lip trembled, but she didn’t cry.

I softened toward her. I didn’t want to hurt her. I loved her. I didn’t know how to do it like normal people. I didn’t know how to tell her how scared I was. I pressed my forehead to the back of her neck and I tried.

“Tell me I don’t deserve you. Tell me all the things I already know.”

“Caleb…” My name was a heart-wrenching sound coming from her lips. I prepared for the worst and began to pull away. Livvie’s hands gripped my forearm and held me in place. “Fuck me.”

There was no time to think. I reacted. I pulled her skirt up to her waist. I shoved her panties and tights down to her knees. She gasped. Her hands slapped against the wall for balance. It was only seconds before I had my own pants down to my ankles. I thrust into Livvie fast and hard.

She was wet. She was wet and warm and fucking heaven wrapped around me. I never wanted to leave the safety of her body. As long as I was inside her, she was mine. No one could take her from me. I couldn’t ruin things between us.

I pounded away at her. I put my hands around her wrists and fucked her into the wall. I practically lifted her body with every thrust… and I groveled.

“I’m sorry, Livvie. I’m sorry. Forgive me. Forgive me.” And I kept fucking.

Afterward, Livvie left in a hurry. I was tempted to stop her, but I didn’t. I felt I’d done enough damage for one night. I left all the broken dishes on the floor and proceeded to take a scalding hot shower. I refused to sleep that night.

Early the next morning, Livvie called me.

“Hey you.” I could hear the smile in her voice. I was a little suspicious but warily accepted she might not be mad about the night before.

I rubbed my eyes. I was exhausted.

“Hey.”

“I just wanted to let you know I have work after class, but I’m free tomorrow. I can spend the night, and tomorrow I thought we could go see a movie. I want to watch Let Me In.”

I sat up and propped myself up against the headboard.

“Um… okay.” I’d been expecting anger from her. Maybe even excuses as to why she couldn’t see me for a while. I decided it was better to accept her offer than question her motives. “What’s it about?”

“It’s sort of a horror movie, but not really. I really liked the Swedish version called Let the Right One In, but I’m curious to see what the director did with it.”

I smiled. I remembered all the movie posters in her apartment.

“Of course, Livvie. We can do that.”

“No pet names today?” she teased.

“I thought you didn’t like it.”

There was silence on her end. Then very quietly, “I liked it last night.”

My dick stirred.

“Good to know.”

“Yeah, well… just don’t get too many ideas. You can’t solve everything with sex, Caleb.”

A tingle of shame bloomed in my chest.

“I’ll try to remember.”

“Good. See you tonight, Sexy.”

I laughed. “Is that a pet name? I hate it.”

“I’ll try to remember.”

I hung up and went straight to sleep. I didn’t even dream.

CHAPTER SIX

Livvie liked to see a lot of movies and read a lot of books. She often lamented not being able to read as often as she’d like because her life was so busy between work, school, and dividing her free time between me and her friends. I often changed the subject when she brought up the last bit. I knew she wanted me to meet them. However, the idea of surrounding myself with typical twenty-year-olds was less than appealing. I had nothing in common with most people—less with those who had never shot a person at point-blank range. At least Livvie and I had that in common!