“You have no idea,” the Bloodletter agrees. “But it’s the only way to break the covenant and take Hudson’s power away for good.”

I expect Hudson to protest the idea—maybe something snarky about no reason to get ourselves killed on his account when he’s quite happy keeping his power—but he doesn’t say a word. He just stares at the Bloodletter with his sharp, watchful gaze.

When I turn back to Jaxon, it’s to find him and the Bloodletter watching me expectantly. “I’m sorry, did I miss something?” I lift my brows in question.

“I asked if you wanted to try the wall thing,” Jaxon says.

I don’t even pause to give Hudson a chance to react. “Good God, yes.”

Because a thought is starting to take form in my head that has dread pooling in my stomach. If Hudson already knew how to get out and was taking control of my body to make that happen… What was he planning on doing once he was out? Kill them all?

“There’s that mean streak in you again, Grace.”

It’s only after Hudson walks into the shadows and disappears that I realize he never answered my question.

37

Sweet Dreams Are

Made of Anything

But This

Turns out, building a mental wall isn’t as hard as I thought it would be. Just placing individual bricks around a part of my mind. And the Bloodletter was right: my own defense mechanisms had gotten started all on their own, so the only thing I had to do was finish piling them higher and mortar them in place with sheer grit and determination.

Several hours later, after the Bloodletter had satisfied herself that the wall would hold, she lowers the bars and sets me free again.

I all but run out of the room and throw myself into Jaxon’s arms. No offense to the Bloodletter and her ice cave, but I can’t get back to school soon enough. Something about being trapped in a frozen cage and having no control over my life or my fate just does that to me. Shocking, I know.

Turns out, leaving isn’t quite possible yet, though, not when Jaxon has gone to the trouble of setting out the meal Uncle Finn had insisted we pack for me.

“Thank you so much,” I tell him as I all but devour the turkey sandwich and chips he’s arranged on a napkin beside a thermos of water. “This might be my new favorite food in the world.”

Jaxon raises one eyebrow. “And what would your old favorite food have been?”

I laugh. “I’m from San Diego. Tacos, of course.”

Now that I’ve eaten, I can feel, maybe, a little bit more hospitable to the woman who kept me locked in a cage all night. Maybe. So I force myself to smile and say, “Thank you for all your help.”

She waves in the general direction of the cave entrance. “It’s time for you two to be leaving.”

And just like that, we’ve been dismissed. Which is fine with me. I’m more than eager to finally say goodbye to these caves and this strange, ancient vampire who seems to have more secrets than I ever want to know.

The trip back isn’t quite as exhilarating as the trip to the Bloodletter’s cave—partly because we’re both so tired and partly because Hudson keeps up a running commentary in my head that makes it hard to concentrate on anything Jaxon has to say. I know I’m going to have to figure out what to do about that sooner rather than later, but for now I just concentrate on keeping the peace.

Because wrangling what amounts to a shit ton of testosterone with fangs is not exactly easy.

I’m completely exhausted by the time we make it back to Katmere. Hudson seems to have fallen asleep again, thank God, and I know Jaxon wants me to come to his room for a while, but all I want is my bed and about twelve hours of uninterrupted sleep. But since we have class tomorrow, I’ll settle for eight.

And Jaxon looks plenty fatigued himself, with dark circles under his eyes I’d only ever seen on him once before, when he first showed up in Uncle Finn’s office. I don’t know why I ever assumed Jaxon’s power was infinite. Of course it isn’t.

Still, he walks me to my room—of course he does—and once we get there, I go up on tiptoes and hug him as hard as I can.

The embrace startles him. Maybe because more often than not, lately, I’m backing away from him. Still, it takes only a second for him to wrap his arms around me and lift me off the ground in return.

As he does, he buries his face in my neck and just breathes me in. I recognize the move, because I’m doing the exact same thing to him. Even after hours of fading, he smells so good—all fresh water and oranges and Jaxon.

Then, just as suddenly, he’s several feet away, walking backward down the hallway while his eyes blaze with a dark fire that has my breath evaporating in my lungs. “Get some sleep,” he orders, “and I’ll meet you in the cafeteria tomorrow for breakfast.”

I nod and force my brain to work just long enough to string two words together. “What time?”

“Text me when you get up and let me know what works for you.”

I nod and turn to go inside, closing the door softly behind me.

“You’re back!” Macy exclaims, bouncing off her bed. “How was it? Was the Bloodletter as scary as everyone says? Is Jaxon really not afraid of her? Did she help you get rid of Hudson? Could she—” She breaks off as she gets her first good look at me. “Hey, are you okay?”

“Yeah, of course. Why wouldn’t I be?”

“Oh, I don’t know.” She grabs on to my shoulders and turns me around to face the mirror on her closet door. “Maybe because you look like that?”

“Oh.” My cheeks are flushed, my curls are wild, and dark circles ring my eyes and make me look feverish. “I’m fine. Just exhausted.”

I walk over to my closet and shuck all my snow gear.

“So can I assume Hudson is gone, then?” she asks tentatively, sitting down on the edge of her bed.

“You would assume wrong,” I say, collapsing on my own bed in my long underwear and turtleneck. I know I need to take a shower, but right now I have no motivation to do anything other than sit right here and pretend the last two days—and the last four months—have just been a really long nightmare that I’m about to wake up from any second.

“What do you mean?” Macy’s eyes go huge. “He’s still in you?”

“Ugh. Please don’t ever say it like that again.” I rub a hand over my very tired eyes. “But yes, Hudson is still in my head. The Bloodletter showed me how to wall off his powers so he can’t control me anymore, but he is definitely still in there.”

“How do you know? If he’s not taking you over—”

“Because he has a new trick. He talks to me now.”

Macy looks at me like she isn’t sure how to process that new information. “He…”

“Talks to me.” I roll my eyes. “Non. Stop.”

“Like, he just talks to you?” Macy asks, and when I nod, she continues. “I mean, what’s he saying right now?”

“He’s asleep right now, but I’m sure when he wakes up, he’ll have something to say.”

“About?”

“Anything. Everything. He’s definitely a vampire with opinions. Not to mention delusions of grandeur.”

Macy laughs. “That’s pretty much every vampire everywhere. They aren’t exactly known for their humble natures.”

I think of Jaxon and Lia, Mekhi and the other members of the Order. Macy might have a point there.

“Sooooo…” Macy pauses like she doesn’t want to ask the next question but someone has to. “How are you dealing with having someone so evil inside your head? Are you okay? I mean, I know you said he can’t do anything in there anymore, but still…”

To be honest, I don’t have the energy to go down this rabbit hole right now. And I don’t know, maybe I never will. Heather’s mom told me after my parents died that it was okay not to focus on the pain, not to discuss the trauma, until I was ready. So that’s exactly what I plan on doing now.

The loss of control, the sheer violation on the deepest level, plus what it means to have another person in my head…much less a murderer… Well, I’m not ready to even think about any of that yet. So instead I’m going to do my best Dory impersonation and just keep swimming, just keep swimming. And—in this one instance—lie. “About like you would expect me to feel. Nauseated but it’s manageable.”

“What are you going to do?”

“Besides cry and eat a boatload of Cherry Garcia ice cream?” I offer flippantly.

“I’m thinking two boatloads, but yeah. Besides that?”

I tell her about the spell and the five things we have to get to turn Hudson human again.

“So that’s why Hudson made you take the athame?” she asks, astonished. “He wants out, too?”

“That’s what he says. Although he was only going for the four items. He has no interest in being turned human.”

She looks alarmed. “We can’t let him out if he still has his powers. You know that, right?”

“Believe me, I know. I’m just not sure how long I can handle having him in my head.”

“I can only imagine.” She moves to my bed and sits down next to me so she can wrap an arm around my shoulders. “But don’t worry. We’ll get started tomorrow on figuring out how to get the last three things. And we should probably rope Flint in. I bet he’ll have some ideas about how to get the dragon bone.”

“I don’t— You don’t—” I break off, not sure how to say all the things I’m feeling right now.

“I don’t what?” she asks.

“You don’t have to do this with me. I mean, it sounds like at least two of the tasks are going to be really dangerous, and I don’t want anything to happen to you.”

“Are you kidding me right now?” Macy demands, and she looks outraged in a way I’ve never seen from her before. “You really think I’m going to let you do this by yourself?”