When she remained silent, I took my mind off my need for another smoke and stopped being that way.

“He wants to talk. Tell me why he left me all those years ago,” I shared.

“Okay,” she whispered.

“Doesn’t turn back the years,” I told her.

“You’re right.”

“Doesn’t erase what happened to me,” I carried on.

“You’re right about that, too.”

I pulled in breath through my nose and stared at my dark yard.

Gun came into the room and I knew that because she jumped up on my chair. Then she shoved her way into the space between my thighs and my torso, which was snug since I had my body twisted sideways in the chair and my feet in the seat. Still, when she wanted something, she was determined and she got it. So she got it, curled up and started purring.

I started stroking.

Then I started talking again.

“He has a scar on his cheekbone, a streak of white through his hair where the knife went through. He said they were going for his brain through his eye and he moved. He also said when he got it, it had something to do with him leaving me.”

“Why don’t you find out?” she asked cautiously.

“They could have tortured me back then and I’d never leave him. Obviously, they did something like that and he left me.”

“You’re guessing. My advice, honey, you shouldn’t guess. You should know.”

“Doesn’t turn back the years,” I muttered.

“You’re right, it doesn’t.”

“Doesn’t erase what happened to me.”

“You’re right, Sylvie,” she whispered.

I fell silent.

Then I again broke the silence.

“He named his kids with another woman the names we chose for ours.” I heard her sharply indrawn breath. “Yeah,” I agreed. “That’s about what I thought before I attacked him and tried to beat the shit out of him. That didn’t work.”

“Why would he do that?” she asked. “Did he explain?”

“Yup,” I answered. “Said it was because he thought he’d never see me again. Said it was because he wanted to call the kids he loved the names we chose so he could remember me every time he did it. Fucking whacked and mean. His wife found out, divorced his ass and, seriously, I do not blame her.”

She fell silent for long moments before she broke it.

“That’s the most beautiful thing I’ve ever heard.”

My head turned to stare at her shadow.

“What?” I breathed.

I watched her shadow lean toward me.

“Okay, maybe you won’t like me after I tell you this but if something happened to Knight and he was taken from me, I love our daughter enough to go on with life even though, in all honesty, huge important parts of mine would be over. Going on with life maybe would include having someone else in it but I know this. There is no one for me but Knight. I’d be honest and if the guy didn’t get it, he’d have to move on, but that’s the way it would be. I’d do everything in my power in some way to keep Knight alive, not only for Kat but for me. I’d need it so I’d do it. This would mean there probably wouldn’t be anyone else for me. But what happened to you happened a long time ago, Sylvie, you were young, he was young. He was just trying to keep living at the same time keep you alive and with him in some way and, well, that’s beautiful. You’re right. It’s also whacked and mean. But anything can be a lot of things and it might be whacked and mean, but it’s beautiful, too.”

I looked back to the night.

“This doesn’t matter,” I said softly. “I can know what happened for him to leave me. Hell, maybe I could even understand. But it wouldn’t matter. I am who I am now. No going back.”

“There’s never any going back. But you’re not talking about that. You’re talking about not moving forward.”

I shook my head.

“You are, Sylvie,” Anya stated firmly. “You’re digging in and staying there. This isn’t about history. This is about what could be.”

“Even if he could explain shit, it’ll always be between us.”

“Only if you let it be.”

I laughed without humor.

“You’re scared,” she whispered and I turned my head back to her shadow.

“Fuck yeah,” I whispered back.

“He left and your life unraveled.”

“Yup.”

“You can’t do that again.”

“Nope.”

She sat back and again fell silent.

I looked back to the night.

We remained quiet a long time.

I broke it this time.

“I’m being a bad hostess. You want a drink?”

She stood. “Some other time, honey. I should get home to my family.”

Her family.

She was a lucky bitch. Fortunately, she knew it.

“You mind if I don’t see you out?” I asked.

There was a smile in her voice when she replied, “Not at all.”

“Thanks for stopping by, Anya. Tell Knight I’m cool. All systems go tomorrow.”

“I’ll tell him.”

I watched her walk to the darkened kitchen doorway as I stroked Gun.

Her shadow didn’t disappear through it. It stopped and I knew she was turning back to me.

“One last thing, Sylvie. When I leave, I want you to think about your life right now. I know you like it. I know you’ve got people close to you. I know you have fun. But I want you to think of your happiest memory, the happiest in your whole life. Then I want you to compare it to the life you live now without Tucker Creed. My guess, your happiest memory includes him. My guess, even with that shit between you, you give it a shot, you’ll go from the life you live now, that you like, to something else. Something bigger, richer, better, happier. And you know it. You’re just scared to lose it because you lost it once. Then, after all that, think about what your life would be if he was never in it. You’d never met. He’d never touched it. Then, honey, ask yourself how you would feel if you didn’t have those moments. Last, I hope you’ll come to the realization that, this time around, you’re making the deliberate choice not to take a chance in order to have that beauty.”

I stared at the shadowed door long after her silhouette left it but I didn’t see dark shadows. I saw sunny days, the lake, the pier, blankets over grass, young bodies rolling on them, tangled, twin beds in dark rooms that barely fit two bodies, whispered conversations, holding close.