On the occasions she was around, I’d cop some serious death glares. As if to test my patience, she’d mutter obscenities at me. It was easy to ignore her when I was preoccupied with clubhouse duties. I’d taken over caring for the small kids. Though children were strictly not allowed in the clubhouse, there was an exception to Prez’s niece, Darcy. She’d bring them around when she needed alone time with Barge, and Darcy’s boys, Jake and Mathew, were wild little things who loved ruckus and kept me on my feet chasing after them.

Despite Remy allowing me to free roam the clubhouse, I was still being watched carefully by any bikie I was around – and I was always around a bikie. I think he expected me to bolt at any second, but I really had no desire to. My life was in shambles. I couldn’t call Lexi in fear of dragging her into this mess. I wasn’t even sure I could trust her. After learning about Daniel, my life felt ridiculously orchestrated, like I was surrounded by props instead of friends. I know it’s stupid to think that way of your best friend of seven years, but Daniel had lied to me impeccably, and that kind of mistrust had left me paranoid and wary.

I did call her every now and then in the beginning. She was distraught every time. The fierce Lexi I’d grown to love would bawl on the other end every time, begging me to get out of Gosnells and to come home. After a while, I’d stopped calling her altogether. I was tired of the guilt tripping and how shitty I felt at hurting her for what she perceived was my abandonment. I couldn’t discuss how fucked up my life had gotten. So she was confused in her own right, but not completely oblivious to the dark I’d put her in.

“If anything is wrong, you need to tell me,” she’d repeat to me every single time. “Sara, I’m tempted to come down and see you myself. Friends don’t do this to each other. You need to tell me what’s going on.”

“Nothing is going on,” I’d respond. “I’m enjoying my time in Gosnells, Lexi. Please don’t be worried.”

Then there was Lucinda. Every time I called her phone, I reached a dead end. There was never an answer. I’d left voicemail after voicemail, even told her the times I’d call her again, but nothing. I wanted to see her, but if Remy knew, I feared he’d get the wrong idea – that I still wanted Jaxon and was using her as an excuse.

But of course I still wanted Jaxon. I would forever want him.

Remy was another thing entirely. Things changed after that night I’d almost given him my body. In my heart broken state, I’d intended on using him like I used Daniel: as a way to forget Jaxon for even a few moments. I felt sick for doing it. It was wrong, and I vowed never to use another person again. With Daniel it had been mutual, but with Remy it was different. He wanted more. No, he needed more. He’d said so himself the day after that night. Well… it was along those lines and said in Remy fashion.

“Ain’t no one gonna be looking at you in a way that don’t need to be looked at,” he’d told me after I’d stepped out of the shower. He was standing in the middle of the room with purpose, like this was something that needed to be understood and accepted.

“What are you on about?” I asked, raising a brow. I hated this code crap, and I could hardly understand him sometimes when he spoke this kind of jargon.

“What I’m saying, Birdy, is here, among us Jackals, you’re gonna be mine and nobody else’s.” Cue his serious, authoritative look.

“Um… Okay, Remy.” I’d say anything to pacify him.

Something occurred to him then. “That goes with anybody else outside of the Jackals. So long as you’re sleeping in that bed with me every night, no one’s going to be lookin’ at you.”

I nodded and then awkwardly went to walk past him. He grabbed me lightly by the arm and planted me right in front of him.

“I’m being serious, Sara.”

I nodded again. “I know but, Remy, I can’t control the way people look at me.”

“Point I’m making is that you shouldn’t encourage it. I want your loyalty. I want…” He pressed his lips together in a line as confliction shone on his face. This was new territory for him.

“I understand,” I said softly. “It’ll just be you.”

He squeezed my arm at my words and made a small nod. He was wearing his emotions on his sleeve around me. It worried me sometimes witnessing his desperate need to have me for reasons I would never even pretend to understand. Often I wondered if he understood it, either.

I didn’t see his kiss coming until his lips were pressed against my own, and it made my heart skip a beat. His first real move and it wasn’t sloppy or in haste like mine was in my desperation to forget him. It was soft and slow and it said, I’m going to wait as long as it takes. Ever patient Remy.

I didn’t anticipate the relationship. It sort of just happened. Every time he left on “business”, he’d kiss me before he went. It didn’t matter where I was, in front of others or even on my own, he’d kiss me with such tenderness, my lips felt tingly long after he’d gone. This wasn’t wrong, I’d console myself. I wasn’t using him. I actually felt… good when I did it. Jaxon didn’t plague my mind when Remy was around. I think my heart was thawing for him. I still felt like there was a glacial wall in the centre of my being, but it was like he was hacking away at it with a tiny pickaxe.

The nights were the most tempting. It started as a quick good night kiss, then after a few days, it lingered longer than usual. After a few weeks, it was full blown make-out sessions. I’d grip him hard at the shoulders, nails digging into his skin, fighting the shudders between my legs that were begging me to surrender to him. I never took it further, and he never pushed.

I just couldn’t. I couldn’t… because what if out there he was still holding out for me?

*****

“I’m not going to take it that far,” I stressed, feeling pressured and annoyed I’d opened my mouth at all.

Lucinda ignored me as she parked in front of the pharmacy. She had my script in her bag after we’d left the doctor’s.

“Lucinda, please,” I begged.

“And what if it does go that far?” she retorted, turning her body to me. The seriousness in her gaze rendered me speechless. That look was usually reserved for Jaxon, not me. “What if you’re kissing Jordan and things get a little hot and heavy?”