Author: Cassia Leo

“Where’s your lip ring?”

“I took it out.”

“Why?”

“Because I’m trying to make a good impression.”

“You’re wearing a suit?”

“You have to admit it looks good on me.”

“Well, there’s no denying that, but you look like you’re about to walk down a runway or into a boardroom for an important meeting.”

“This is an important meeting, babe. I don’t want to fuck it up.”

She looks down at her outfit, a black blazer over a teal dress, and ankle boots. “We don’t look like we belong together.”

I step toward her, making sure she doesn’t notice the discomfort in my leg, and stop just a few inches away from her. She doesn’t flinch as I reach for her face.

“You look beautiful,” I say as I sweep a soft lock of hair behind her ear. “And very responsible.”

“Shut up.”

I laugh as she shoves my chest. “Come on, let’s get out of here before we’re late.”

Once we’re settled inside my mom’s Volvo, my mind flashes back to the last time we did this. To say I was devastated after Abigail’s parents cancelled our first scheduled meeting would be a hell of an understatement. I almost expect my phone to ring at any moment with the news that they’ve cancelled again.

As I pull the car out of the driveway, I notice Claire’s hands shaking in her lap. I glance at her face and the muscle in her jaw twitches as she clenches her teeth.

“You okay?”

She nods quickly.

I reach across and take her hand in mine. Instantly, the trembling stops. She takes a deep breath and closes her eyes.

“Chris, you know I don’t pray, but I want to pray right now. I want to pray that Abigail will feel how much I love her when I hold her. Is that stupid?”

“Not at all. I want the same. I keep dreading that the second I hold her in my arms she’ll start crying.”

Just speaking these words aloud fills me with both relief and dread. I squeeze her hand as I continue toward downtown, toward the three people in this world who possess the power to both bring Claire and me closer together and tear us apart. I pull my hand away and from the corner of my eye I can see Claire looking at me.

“What’s wrong?” she asks in a small voice.

I wait until I’m stopped at a red light to face her. “I’m afraid.”

“Afraid of what?”

“Afraid that I’m too happy right now. I’m afraid that holding Abby will make me happier than I’ve ever felt and I’m afraid of what will happen if that’s taken away from me forever. I’m afraid of being too angry to forgive you.”

Her mouths falls open, stunned as she tries to catch her breath. “Oh…. I don’t know what to say.”

“I’m not trying to make you feel bad, I’m just being honest. I’m afraid of what this will do to us. As happy as I am to see Abby, I know that I’m not guaranteed another second beyond today with her. With you…. I don’t want to lose you.”

I turn right onto the street where the Jensens’ lawyer’s office is located. I glance at Claire every few seconds, waiting for her response, but she just stares straight ahead in a daze.

“Claire, I love you,” I say as I reach for her hand again. “But all that matters right now is Abby. Let’s go meet our baby and worry about the rest later. Deal?”

She turns to me and smiles weakly. “Deal.”

The parking lot is almost completely empty. It’s nearly seven p.m. on a Monday. Most people have gone home for the day while Claire and I are just finding our way home. We make our way up to the seventh floor, to the offices of Hirschberg, Leidenbach, and Associates. The whole building oozes money and, though I’ve got plenty of that, I feel uncomfortable knowing Claire is probably intimidated by the atmosphere.

“I need to tell you something,” I say as we walk down the seventh floor corridor toward a set of tall, glass double-doors. “I stretched the truth a little and told the Jensens we’re back together.”

She smiles, not looking the slightest bit annoyed. “I’m so happy right now, my heart is about to jump out of my chest. I don’t think anything you tell me will upset me.”

I grab her hand and she laughs as I pull her close enough to feel the warmth of her body against mine. Bringing my lips to her ear, I whisper, “When we are back together, I’ll help you study every day.”

Her hand slides over my chest and she shoves me away. “Still not mad.”

I lean over and kiss her cheekbone. She smiles and shakes her head as I reach for the handle on the tall glass door.

“After you, babe.”

“Thank you.”

The receptionist looks up from her computer screen as we enter the lobby and I quickly grab Claire’s hand to let her know I’m not available. Claire doesn’t look at me, but I glimpse a barely-there smile on her face from the corner of my eye. It’s nice to be admired just about everywhere I go, but I don’t need anyone but Claire’s admiration anymore. It took a while to figure that out, but I’m not about to fuck that up again.

“We’re here to see Ira Hirschberg,” I say to the receptionist, not bothering to introduce Claire or myself.

She fiddles with the braid draped over her shoulder for a moment, then she dials an extension and speaks into her headset. “Chris Knight is here to see you.”

She glances at Claire as she waits for a response, so I take the opportunity to lean over and lay a soft kiss on Claire’s temple.

Claire turns to me so our noses are almost touching. “Take it easy. This is a law office, not a bedroom.”

I lean over to whisper in her ear. “I’m just trying to give you what you want. And right now, you want everyone here to know we’re madly in love.”

A man with curly salt-and-pepper hair and thick bifocals comes out to greet us. “Come on in,” he says in a gravelly voice as he holds open the door to the back office area. “The Jensens just arrived, so this is perfect timing. I’m Ira Hirschberg. You can call me Ira.”

We shake hands and as soon as we step through the doorway, I relax a little when I see a few messy desks. We pass through a corridor of cubicles until we reach a glass wall, beyond which I glimpse Brian, Lynette, and Abigail Jensen. God, it kills me that she doesn’t have my last name.

Ira opens the door for us again—a humble lawyer is always a good sign—and I wait for Claire as she hesitantly steps into the conference room. She claps her hand over her mouth at the sight of Abigail and I know this is going to be more difficult than I ever imagined it would be.

“Oh, my God,” she whispers through her fingers. “Oh, my God.”

I place my hand on the small of her back to guide her forward, but she’s rooted in place. “Claire, babe, are you okay?”

She bites her lip and nods slowly as she steps forward. I can see the hesitation on Lynette and Brian’s faces as we approach. Brian is holding Abby as she stands on the table. His eyes are focused completely on Abby, as if he doesn’t want to acknowledge our presence.

“Honey?” Lynette says to get Brian’s attention.

Lynette looks me up and down a few times. She seems a bit dazed by the suit. Brian scoops Abby off the table and into his arms then turns to face us.

“We’re going to be right outside,” Brian says in a deep, rumbling growl.

Ira looks back and forth between Brian and me. “I have to stay in here, if you don’t mind.”

“That’s fine. Thank you so much for allowing us this visit,” I say to Brian and he nods as he hands Abby over to me.

She reaches for Brian as he steps away and my heart aches as I realize she doesn’t know me or want me.

“It’s okay, baby girl,” Brian says as he leads Lynette out of the conference room.

It’s as if these words flip a switch inside Abby and she turns to look at me. Her soft blonde hair curls up around her ears and neck and her body is so squishy and warm in my arms. I want to squeeze her tightly and never let her go.

Her wispy eyebrows shoot up, like she’s surprised to see me. I smile at her and her eyes widen.

“It’s okay, princess.”

She still looks uncertain as her gaze shifts back and forth between Claire and me. Her upper lip curls up and I’m afraid this is it—she’s going to cry. So I do the only thing I know how to do. Because this is my daughter, I know there is one thing that is likely to comfort her.

I sing the chorus of “Sleepyhead” to Abigail and her gaze is locked on my lips as I sing, as if she’s mesmerized. Her fingers curl around my tie and I can’t help but smile as she yanks it.

“Hiding with the stars. Put your dreams to bed.” I tap her nose as I whisper the last line of the chorus and, suddenly, she smiles.

And time stops.

I never got to see Abby’s smile when she was lying in the hospital bed two months ago. The way her lips curl up, showing me the same smile I’ve seen on Claire’s face a million times, makes me want to live in this moment forever.

Chapter Ten

Claire

Listen

My chest floods with a painful longing as I watch, and I realize I’m looking at the two people I love most in this world sharing the most beautiful moment I’ve ever witnessed.

I turn to Ira and the guarded smile he’s wearing tells me he knows what I’m feeling. “Is it okay if I take a picture?” I ask, looking back and forth between him and Chris to make sure I don’t miss anything.

“Go right ahead.”

I hastily pull my phone out of the pocket of my blazer. My hands shake as I open the photo app. Chris looks at me as I point my phone at him and Abigail. The look in his eyes is a mixture of joy and pain. Abigail reaches up and pokes him in the eye and he laughs, which makes her giggle and I seize the opportunity to snap the shot.

Taking one look at the photo on my phone of him in his suit and her with that glowing smile, I can’t hold back the tears anymore. Chris turns to me as Abigail continues to claw at his face and giggle; the most musical and precious giggle I’ve ever heard.

“You ready?” he asks. I nod, wiping away the tears because I don’t want to scare her. “I love you, princess,” he whispers in Abigail’s ear and I bite the inside of my cheek to keep from breaking down.

He hands her to me and I can smell her before I even touch her. She smells so soft and clean, so well taken care of. She looks uncertain about being handed off again so soon, but as soon as her soft, warm body is nestled against mine she scrunches up her nose and lets out a laugh that sounds almost like a cough. Then she smiles and I’m done.

I try to smile through my tears, but she’s a child, and children are the most emotionally responsive creatures on this Earth. She reaches up and places her hands on my cheek, her fingers curling clumsily around my flesh as she attempts to wipe my tears.

“I’m sorry, Abby,” I whisper. “I’m sorry I wasn’t the mom you needed.”

Chris rubs my back and it calms me a little. “Are you okay?”

I sniff loudly as I shake my head. “No, I am so not okay, but I will be,” I say as I turn to look him in the eye. “Thank you. Thank you so much for making this happen.”

I turn back to Abby, to really look at her, and I finally see her through the tears. She has Chris’s eyes, a rich dark brown that shines with joy. And one look at her fingers and I know she has his hands. Hands that have caressed me, carried me, and played me like a melody. Bringing her hand to my lips, I breathe in her sweet scent as a lay kiss on the soft palm of her hand.

“You’re a part of me that I will never forget. I love you so much,” I say as I look her in the eye. “I hope you can feel that and I hope you never forget it.”