Author: Cassia Leo

“You don’t have to do that, Chris. I told you that you should go to L.A.”

“I don’t want to go to L.A. And the deal is already done, for the most part. We just have to find a studio now. But my point is, I want to take you to California to meet your dad and your sister, but I need a couple of weeks to record.”

“That’s it? I thought you were going to tell me I’m crazy for even thinking of meeting him.” I sit down in the desk chair as the tension in my shoulders begins to ease a little. “I can wait a few weeks. I have to wait. Winter break doesn’t start for another five weeks.”

“Well, I guess we’ll be kissing under the mistletoe in California.”

“Shut up.”

He chuckles and I wish I were there to see him smile.

“Are you okay?” he asks. “I have to get back in there before Xander goes into full bitch-mode.”

“I’m fine. Go handle your business.”

“Hey!” he calls out before I can hang up.

“What?”

“Have a good Thanksgiving with Senia.”

My chest floods with warmth that spreads through my entire body. “Thanks. Give your mom a hug for me.”

“I’ll let you do that next time you come over. Goodnight, babe.”

“Goodnight.”

I can hardly breathe. I want to curl up in bed and forget about my father and the two rings on my nightstand. I want to wake up five weeks from now, in California, where the only thing that matters is meeting my sister.

I have a little sister.

It’s funny how having someone else to look after changes your entire outlook on life. I never got to feel that with Abigail. To go to sleep one night with your child nestled inside you and wake up the next with no evidence your child ever existed is like waking up in a nightmare that never ends. As much as I want to feel like nothing has changed between Chris and me, everything has changed. And by everything I mean me.

Chapter Five

Adam

The first time Lindsay called me, after not having spoken to her for over eight months, I think time stopped along with my heart. My first thought, when I heard Lindsay’s voice, was that the DNA test results had been botched. I was certain that Lindsay was calling to tell me that I’m the father of her newborn child. She wanted to know if I’d heard from Nathan, which made me laugh. She told me she hadn’t heard from him in a few days and to please let her know if I heard from him. The second time she called, during the football game, it took everything in me not to answer the phone and lose my shit.

Instead, what I discovered is that the true father of her child, the guy she left me for eight months ago, has pretty much abandoned her and their child. After the competition in California, where Nathan Jennings qualified to go to the ASP qualifier competition in Australia, Lindsay claims that Nathan began acting strange. Then he insisted he needed to go back to California for another competition, which is when Lindsay quickly realized what I’ve known since I met Nathan Jennings over six years ago: he’s full of shit. And he’s not ready to be a father.

I don’t believe in karma, but if I did, I would most certainly say that this is Lindsay getting payback for what she did to me. But I don’t believe in karma. And, having gone through it myself, I actually feel sympathetic.

Of course, I may be sympathetic, but I’m not stupid.

As she steps out of the rear unit of the small duplex, where she and Nathan lived together before he decided to ditch her three weeks ago, I can’t help but feel like something stronger than sympathy has pulled me back here.

She smiles at the baby she’s cradling in her arms as she locks the door. Kaia. A Hawaiian name meaning “the sea or restful place.” Those are both things I used to associate with Lindsay. She was the only girl I’d been with who wasn’t a professional surfer and still loved the ocean as much as I do—until I met Claire. And my relationship with Lindsay was comfortable, restful, until the last three or four months when everything fell apart.

She looks through the windshield at me and I’m tempted to go help her with the car seat and the diaper bag she’s carrying along with the baby, but I’m afraid. It feels like something only Nathan should do, but that’s just stupid. A friend can help another friend carry a fucking car seat. I scramble out of the car and scurry over to help her.

“Actually, can you take Kaia? I need to strap the car seat in,” Lindsay says.

I stare at the baby for a moment. This is the second time I’m taking Lindsay and Kaia to the hospital. Two weeks ago, I took them to the emergency room for some type of stomach virus that had Kaia vomiting for over twenty-four hours. Today, it’s just for vaccinations. Lindsay claims she’s trying to find a roommate to help her out with the other half of the rent now that Nathan is gone. She doesn’t want to move in with her parents in Carolina Beach. I don’t want to jump to conclusions, but I have a feeling she’s hoping I’ll offer to help her out.

This duplex isn’t far from the apartment Lindsay and I shared our senior year at Duke. Lindsay isn’t a terrible person, but she did some pretty terrible things the last few months we were together. I still haven’t forgiven her, though I’m not quite sure how to tell her that without making her feel like she’s totally alone.

“Hello? Adam?”

“Sorry. Yeah, I’ll take her.”

I reach for the baby, who’s wrapped tightly in a soft lilac blanket and fast asleep.

“Support her head with your hand,” Lindsay says.

I ignore the fact that I accidentally graze her breast with my hand as I take the baby into my arms. She’s so soft and warm. I try not to look awkward as I hold her against my chest. She has Lindsay’s golden-blonde hair and the most delicate little fingers. The faint shadow of hair on her brow twitches and I wonder whether she’s dreaming and what she’s dreaming about.

“Are you ready?” Lindsay asks.

Something about the way she asks this question makes me think she means something else. As if she’s asking whether I’m ready to forgive her and accept this routine of helping her out until she gets a car. The answer to both of those is definitely not.

“Yeah, let’s go.”

Lindsay has never had a problem holding a conversation. She chatters nonstop on the way to the clinic about how her mother, Lillian, is still living with her “asshole” stepfather in Carolina Beach even though he’s cheated on her more times than she can remember. One thing I never understood about Lindsay was why she always got upset over things she couldn’t change. Or, maybe I’m just too accepting of things that should be changed.

“Why do you still visit her if it upsets you so much?” I ask as I pull into the clinic parking lot.

“Adam, I’ve told you this a million times. She deserves better. I’m not going to give up on my mom, but I refuse to live with them.”

“You need to learn to let that stuff go.”

“Oh, really? And when was the last time you spoke to your dad?”

“That’s not the same. My dad and I have totally different issues.”

“Yeah, I’ve heard that before.”

“Anyway, that’s besides the point. You’re going to have to get over your hatred of your stepdad if you don’t get a job and a roommate soon.”

She draws in a long stuttered breath as she turns to look out the window.

“I didn’t mean that the way it sounded.”

“It’s fine,” she says, still looking out the window. “I know I must seem like a total loser to you now; getting pregnant before graduation and letting Nathan convince me to wait to get a job until the baby was born.”

“You’re not a loser. I don’t think that.” I pull my truck into a parking space and glance over my shoulder at the car seat as I kill the engine. “But you can’t start feeling sorry for yourself and depending on me to dig you out of this. You ripped my heart out and pretty much ruined my life.”

“I apologized for what I did to you. And I’m not the one who made you beat the crap out of Nathan.”

“I don’t want to talk about that right now. The point is that you can’t depend on me. I’m not the person I was when we were together. I’ve moved on.” She finally turns to face me and the hurt in her eyes makes my stomach twist. “I’ll help you out with this stuff for the baby, but you need to get a car or a bus pass or something soon. I can’t keep doing this.”

She looks like she’s about to cry, but she quickly composes herself and climbs down out of the truck. I hurry over to her side to help her get the baby out of the car seat since the truck is raised. Kaia wakes up when I pull her out of her car seat. She scrunches her eyes and stretches her arms as her mouth opens wide as if she’s about to start wailing, but she doesn’t. I hand her over to Lindsay and she has a smile on her face.

“What are you smiling at?”

She shakes her head and smiles. I’m pretty certain she saw the panic on my face as I anticipated Kaia’s screams.

“Nothing,” she whispers as she takes Kaia in her arms.

As I watch her kiss Kaia’s forehead and comfort her, I’m reminded of the time when I assumed that Lindsay and I would be getting married and raising a child together. It’s funny how nothing really ever turns out the way we expect it to, no matter how certain the future seems. I guess we need to keep adjusting our dreams to fit reality, because life is not going to cooperate. Maybe this makes me a defeatist, but I’d prefer to think of myself as a realist.

As we walk toward the clinic, my phone vibrates in my pocket. I pull it out and smile instantly when I see a good morning text from Claire.

“Is that her?”

I look up from the screen and quickly pull open the door for Lindsay to enter the clinic. “Yes. And her name is Claire.”

And she’s the most beautifully broken girl I’ve ever met.

Chapter Six

Chris

Once the studio was booked, the only thing left for me to do was to reschedule the physical therapy for my leg. I can’t do that shit right now. The screws holding the rod in my shin make my knee hurt like a bitch, but no one will ever hear me complain about it—especially not Tristan or Jake.

I enter the control room at Reverb Room and immediately set down my guitar on the floor, propped against the control desk. I sit on the edge of the desk and try not to make it obvious that I’m doing this to rest my leg. Tristan is sitting in the desk chair with his back to the controls and Jake is on the other side of the glass partition, in the main room, setting up his drums.

“Gene and the sound tech are late. Xander snuck off to the lobby to stuff his fat face with donuts,” he says, glancing at my leg when I attempt to bend the knee a little.

All this walking around, checking out studios this past weekend, has fucked me up. I’ve only had the cast off for two and a half weeks. I should be lying in bed with this leg elevated, but I need to get this record finished. My first self-titled album. Sometimes I don’t even recognize my life anymore.

“Did they say how long it would be until they get here?”

Tristan shrugs. “I think they’ll be here any minute. Hey, do you have the phone number for Claire’s friend, Celia, or whatever the fuck her name is?”

“I’m not giving you her number. I don’t need you fucking shit up for me with Claire.”

“All right. I know her name. It’s Senia. Can I have her number now? I want to apologize.” I narrow my eyes at him and he raises his eyebrows. “What? I was a dick to her. I want to make things right in case she goes to Rachel’s wedding with Claire.”

“Did you run out of girls to fuck or something?”

He runs his hand through his brown shoulder-length hair and grins. “Yeah, you of all people should know that will never happen.”